Please don't think that I've dismissed the naked woman's battle potential. Any man alive is well aware of the dangers of weaponized vagina. It is a powerful tool, that has been the downfall to countless men. That said I still believe it wouldn't be enough to defeat a trained assassin wielding a razor sharp katana. So, no this isn't a question of who would win in a fight. Rather it's a question of philosophy.
Confused yet? Allow me to explain. For the past 10 years or so I've lived by the philosophy that "Everything goes better with naked women." I've always liked this statement. It sounds good. Many people can agree with it. And I think it really says a lot about me as a person. (i.e. Someone who gets laid slightly less than a leper whose dick has recently rotted off.)
However upon closer scrutiny, the truth is, this concept just doesn't hold up. There are some situations that try as they might naked women just can't improve. And in these times really the only logical course of action is to substitute the naked women with ninjas.
The real question is when are ninjas better than naked women? And when is well proportioned mounds of jiggly woman flesh more appropriate?
These are the questions I hope to answer.
In an effort to be as scientific as I possibly can be, (and by "scientific" I mean nothing even close to science) I will be presenting various situations and the pros and cons of naked women versus ninjas.
Politics
Naked Women: For a moment let's remember back to the last Presidential race. Boring right? Let's face it, everyone knew who they were going to vote for before the debates. So really the question is "How couldn't the last presidential race have been improved by Naked women?" I certainly would have paid more attention. Granted I wouldn't have absorbed many of their policies, but I would watched a hell of a lot more.
Ninjas: On the flip side let's imagine if one of the candidates had been a ninja. During the debate the ninja would step up to the podium, clear his throat, and throw a smoke bomb to mask his get away. The crowd would be shocked. Everyone would be confused. Just where did candidate ninja go? It would be about ten minutes before anyone noticed that the other candidate's throat had been slit, and he was bleeding out behind the podium.
While I give the ninja points for simplifying the tedious process of voting, I'm a little concerned with this particular policy. You can't just kill all you're opposition. People have tried it before, and it never works in the long run. Naked women however just might make the whole process slightly more bearable.
Naked Women: 1
Ninjas: 0
Food Service
Naked Women: This is one of those scenarios where naked women seem destined to fail. There are two main reasons for this. First when I'm in a restaurant I'm thinking about food. Period. Everything else comes in second. The second problem is since I'm just thinking about food, if a naked person is involved, I'm suddenly thinking about all the hygiene problems inherent in such a scenario.
Ninjas: That being said, ninjas are trained killers. I'd have to imagine that anything a ninja served me was either poisoned or being used as a distraction to keep me from noticing a blade being slipped between my ribs.
Really my self preservation should make me choose the boobs, but in my stereotype infused mind I have to imagine that the ninja would make some AWESOME sushi. And I like sushi.
Naked Women: 1
Ninjas: 1
Standing in Line at the DMV
Naked Women: Uggh... The DMV. I personally believe this to be a long running psychological study to see how people react to boredom while standing in line. Well let me tell you, if you add naked women to the process, that line would get a lot more interesting.
Ninjas: Little known fact; Ninjas hate standing in line. Also ninjas are very proactive. So when presented with a line ninjas will move to the front as quickly as possible. Which means the ninja is going to cut in line. Which really means the ninja is going to cut in front of you. Just how much would that suck. You get to the front of the line then, bam, a cloud of smoke, and the next thing you know a ninja is standing in line in front of you. And if you value your life you can't say shit. I think its safe to say that ninjas would make the line worse.
Naked Women: 2
Ninjas: 1
School
Naked Women: We've all seen Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" video which I think really sums up the positives of this scenario. (Minus the men in spandex of course.) However I think it's important to remember that school takes place during a time of development (sexual and otherwise) for students. Being assaulted by random sexiness could be very confusing to a student. Also having to go up to the blackboard with a boner always sucks.
Ninjas: I'm not going to lie. I would listen to everything a ninja ever taught me. I don't care if it's algebra. I just know somewhere in my heart that one day that info world be useful to help me kill my enemies and disappear into the night.
Naked Women: 2
Ninjas: 2
Sex
Naked Women: If you don't know what naked women have to offer to sex then I highly suggest you do a google search for "porn" with all the filters turned off. Go ahead. I'll wait.
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Done? Congratulations you are now the proud owner of 37 new computer viruses. Also unless all the sites you went to rather heavily featured the word "gay" you have an all too clear idea of what naked women have to offer to sex.
Ninjas: This one's a little more difficult. It's entirely possible that ninjas know secret pressure points that would make sex even better. (Ninjitsu aphrodisiac?) Also things like this help the argument.
However here that paranoia about getting killed would rear its ugly head again. I just don't think I'd be able to enjoy myself while constantly worrying which direction the attack is going to come from. Also if I've learned nothing else from adult Japanese cartoons, it's this. Sex-ninjas can only get off when molested by demons with 12+ tentacle penises.
I can't meet those kinds of expectations. So I'm going to have to give this one to the ladies.
Naked Women: 3
Ninjas: 2
So as we can see the Ladies are ahead, but not by much, and this list is nowhere near complete.
So what do you think? Is there anything I've left out or didn't consider? Should the ninjas have won?
Let me know.
In the meantime I'm going to look for pics of Naked Ninja Women, because they make everything better.
