Death Bed

Sometime around the beginning of the month Zach came up with a brilliant idea. He was going to review 13 horror movies for the month of October. I thought to myself, "Self, that's a great fucking idea. I should totally steal it and do my own series of horror themed posts." So the mood was set and I prepared to immerse myself in various aspects of the world of horror.

Then I got lazy.

If you've been reading my rants for any length of time then you know that procrastination is one of my many antagonists. Yet today I find that I am ready to move forward on this noble pursuit. Why? I'll tell you.

The other day I was reading Zach's post. (Something I really recommend for everyone who might find themselves reading this. Not only has he put up some entertaining reviews, but he has also provided the link to a free horror short film and written a horror short story. Here's the link. Don't say I never gave you anything.) Upon a quick glance I noticed that he reviewed "Death Bed". However upon closer inspection he actually hadn't review the movie at all. What he had done was provide a basic explanation of some of the more ridiculous points of the movie, with a general statement that he wouldn't watch the film again to properly review it. And even worse he included Patton Oswalt's comedy routine about the movie. This my friends is dangerous in ways you may not even be aware of.

First of all it should be said; Oswalt's routine is fucking hilarious! I'm not kidding. You will laugh. The unfortunate side effect is that you will feel compelled to watch Death Bed after hearing it. It's what happened to me. No one should walk into that trap unprepared.

Sadly this is where I felt that Zach's post faltered. It shouldn't be a review. It shouldn't be a casual mention. No, it should be a warning. It should warn you to tread lightly when even thinking of approaching this film.

With this in mind we begin my review/warning of Death Bed. A movie that I have watched a second time, sober, so that I might save you from my fate.

You people fucking owe me.

The film begins with the opening title screen simply saying "Breakfast". Then we are shown a small brick room featuring the titular bed, and some guy sitting in a hole behind the room's sole painting. Who is this guy? Why is he behind the painting? Why does he talk to the bed when it clearly doesn't talk back? While some of these questions actually do get answered later in the film, the truth is this guy is our narrator. Let me tell you this guy is essential to the movie, especially later on. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We cut to a young couple who apparently decided that a fun afternoon would be to break into a secluded mansion, and have a picnic. Yet when they find all the doors locked (magically by the bed) they find an open door leading to a cellar/guest room where the bed resides. The couple decided that the bed would be a perfect place to make out and so they do so. While the couple thumb wrestle with their tongues the bed eats there picnic lunch.

This is the first time we see the effect of the bed eating so it deserves some special mention. First you know the bed is about to eat something because it covers said item with a bunch of yellow foam. Second the devoured item falls through the surface of the bed into a a tank of yellow liquid that I can only assume is supposed to be the bed digestive tract. Third the item dissolves. That's it. You will see this scene repeated over and over again. It never gets any better.

The couple eventually notice there lunch has been eaten... But who cares?! There's sex to be had! So they begin to get all hot and heavy, somehow not noticing that the drapes around the bed are being pulled shut. Then the bed eats them.

Now maybe I've just had the world's most pedestrian sex, but I just can't see the attraction in fucking on a bed in basement of a abandoned building. I wouldn't be able to concentrate. The entire time I'd just be wondering when was the last time these sheets were washed? Also how many other couples had done this very thing? And lastly why is there a huge comfy bed, nicely made, in the fucking basement?!! These kinds of questions may keep me from having more interesting sex, but at least I won't ever find myself getting eaten by a goddamn bed!

Anyway the guy behind the painting call the bed stupid. The bed then retaliates by destroying the mansion... I think. Honestly this really isn't that clear, but I think the mansion is gone leaving nothing but the basement. Why did this happen? I have no idea what so ever.

Title screen "Lunch".

Oh hell... I'm not even 1/3 of the way through this thing yet am I? Is it too late to just back out of this whole ill-conceived idea? Could I just tell you it's really really bad and be done? Please?

Sigh...

Next we see a car with three women in it. Diane, a black woman. Sharon, Diane's friend. And Susan, someone who just came along for the ride but now wants to go home. Honestly that's all the character development we ever get. Really.

While in the car we hear Susan thinking to herself that she doesn't really want to be here, and is trying to think of a way to get the others to take her home. This moment really illustrates another big problem that I have with this movie. The characters never really talk. They all just do these long inner monologues to tell the audience what the actors are supposed to be feeling. I'm not kidding. About 90% of the spoken words you will hear are all someone talking to themselves for your benefit. Note to the director, this is not good film making.

In order to save myself a little pain I'm going to skip ahead a little bit. The girls find the bed Susan says she's not feeling well and decides to lie down while the other two go for a walk. In some ways Susan should feel honored. For one she's almost out of this film. Secondly she gets by far the best death scene.

Before the bed kills her it gives her nightmares about eating bugs. (We know this because the guy behind the painting tells us so.) Then the bed strips off all her clothes. Lastly the bed seems to cut her throat with her necklace. Then finally the bed eats her. The most amazing thing is that Susan never wakes up. The girl never even stirs. I thought I was a heavy sleeper, but I've got nothing on this chick.

Around this time we learn two important facts. Sharon's brother is looking for her. (Why he's looking for her is never explained.) And for some reason the bed really doesn't like Sharon.

The guy behind the painting wonders why the bed doesn't like Sharon, and so we get a flashback to all the people the bed has eaten. Seems like a pretty large logical leap to me, but fuck it, let's see where you're going with this movie.

In the flashback we see the bed eat a priest, old lesbian, and a lame servant girl. Then we get and entirely to long bit about how some guy tries to market the bed as a sexual aid (WTF!!!) before he and his friends finally get eaten. Then some gangsters get eaten. Lastly the guy behind the painting gets eaten.

That's right! The guy behind the painting was dying, of something I really don't know, when he got on the bed. So the bed stuck him behind the painting. Why? Why the fuck not! At this point the movie could have aliens teleport down from the mothership and do a musical number to the tune Michael Jackson's Thriller as interpreted by Salvador Dali. Believe it or not that would seem rather reserved compared to the bed's origin story.

You have no idea just how hard this next paragraph is going to be for me to write.

Just give me a moment.

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I think I'm ready now. The bed's origin. Apparently a demon lives in a nearby tree, and decided to turn into a breeze. As a breeze the demon saw a girl it liked. So it made a bed to attract the girl and gave himself a human body to seduce the girl. Then, near as I can tell, the demon fucked the girl to death. This made the demon sad, and it cried tears of blood on the bed. Then the demon ran back to his tree. But the tears brought the bed to life! (And made it hungry?)

So what the hell did that have to do with anything? For once I actually have an answer. You see, the girl the demon boned to death and Sharon have the same color eyes and that makes the bed feel bad. I really not kidding. That's really the best the movie came up with.

"Dinner"

Thank Christ I'm almost done with this shit. In fact let's speed this process up a little more. Diane (The black chick. Remember her?) Gets eaten. Sharon tries to help, but fails. Sharon's brother shows up (Remember him?) and stabs the bed with a knife. This proves to be a really bad idea as the bed eats all the tissue off his hands leaving him with nothing but skeleton hands.

"The Just Dessert"

We're at the home stretch now. Of course this is also the moment where the film's most insane, nonsensical, and just down right painful moment happens. Try and stay with me here as this is going to be damn hard to explain.

Remember the demon that made the bed? Apparently he just fell asleep. Somehow this weakens the bed so the guy behind the painting can talk to Sharon. The guy tells Sharon to take her brother outside. Then she's supposed to make a giant figure eight with sticks. Then she needs to cut a giant figure eight around the bed. (Oddly the floor bleeds when cut.) Lastly she needs to build a little shrine out of her brother's hand bones, and her friend's hair.

So what does all this nonsense do? Three things actually. 1) It transports the bed outside. 2) Kills Sharon. 3) Resurrects the girl the demon fucked to death in the first place.

Why would you want to do this? Well you see the resurrected girl (totally nude by the way) finds Sharon's brother, and begins to make out with him in front of the bed. This causes the bed to explode.

Yes, you read that right. An undead naked girl kissing a guy with no hands made the bed blow up.

Just think about that for a while.

I've quite literally had conversations with schizophrenics that were easier to follow, and made far more sense.

And that's Death Bed in a nut shell. You've been warned.

Ninjas vs. Naked Women

Now after that title you maybe thinking that this is going to be a blog about which would win in a fight, ninjas or naked women. You would be wrong. Really I don't think that would be much of a battle. The ninja would win.

Please don't think that I've dismissed the naked woman's battle potential. Any man alive is well aware of the dangers of weaponized vagina. It is a powerful tool, that has been the downfall to countless men. That said I still believe it wouldn't be enough to defeat a trained assassin wielding a razor sharp katana. So, no this isn't a question of who would win in a fight. Rather it's a question of philosophy.

Confused yet? Allow me to explain. For the past 10 years or so I've lived by the philosophy that "Everything goes better with naked women." I've always liked this statement. It sounds good. Many people can agree with it. And I think it really says a lot about me as a person. (i.e. Someone who gets laid slightly less than a leper whose dick has recently rotted off.)

However upon closer scrutiny, the truth is, this concept just doesn't hold up. There are some situations that try as they might naked women just can't improve. And in these times really the only logical course of action is to substitute the naked women with ninjas.

The real question is when are ninjas better than naked women? And when is well proportioned mounds of jiggly woman flesh more appropriate?

These are the questions I hope to answer.

In an effort to be as scientific as I possibly can be, (and by "scientific" I mean nothing even close to science) I will be presenting various situations and the pros and cons of naked women versus ninjas.

Politics

Naked Women: For a moment let's remember back to the last Presidential race. Boring right? Let's face it, everyone knew who they were going to vote for before the debates. So really the question is "How couldn't the last presidential race have been improved by Naked women?" I certainly would have paid more attention. Granted I wouldn't have absorbed many of their policies, but I would watched a hell of a lot more.

Ninjas: On the flip side let's imagine if one of the candidates had been a ninja. During the debate the ninja would step up to the podium, clear his throat, and throw a smoke bomb to mask his get away. The crowd would be shocked. Everyone would be confused. Just where did candidate ninja go? It would be about ten minutes before anyone noticed that the other candidate's throat had been slit, and he was bleeding out behind the podium.

While I give the ninja points for simplifying the tedious process of voting, I'm a little concerned with this particular policy. You can't just kill all you're opposition. People have tried it before, and it never works in the long run. Naked women however just might make the whole process slightly more bearable.

Naked Women: 1
Ninjas: 0

Food Service

Naked Women: This is one of those scenarios where naked women seem destined to fail. There are two main reasons for this. First when I'm in a restaurant I'm thinking about food. Period. Everything else comes in second. The second problem is since I'm just thinking about food, if a naked person is involved, I'm suddenly thinking about all the hygiene problems inherent in such a scenario.

Ninjas: That being said, ninjas are trained killers. I'd have to imagine that anything a ninja served me was either poisoned or being used as a distraction to keep me from noticing a blade being slipped between my ribs.

Really my self preservation should make me choose the boobs, but in my stereotype infused mind I have to imagine that the ninja would make some AWESOME sushi. And I like sushi.

Naked Women: 1
Ninjas: 1

Standing in Line at the DMV

Naked Women: Uggh... The DMV. I personally believe this to be a long running psychological study to see how people react to boredom while standing in line. Well let me tell you, if you add naked women to the process, that line would get a lot more interesting.

Ninjas: Little known fact; Ninjas hate standing in line. Also ninjas are very proactive. So when presented with a line ninjas will move to the front as quickly as possible. Which means the ninja is going to cut in line. Which really means the ninja is going to cut in front of you. Just how much would that suck. You get to the front of the line then, bam, a cloud of smoke, and the next thing you know a ninja is standing in line in front of you. And if you value your life you can't say shit. I think its safe to say that ninjas would make the line worse.

Naked Women: 2
Ninjas: 1

School

Naked Women: We've all seen Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" video which I think really sums up the positives of this scenario. (Minus the men in spandex of course.) However I think it's important to remember that school takes place during a time of development (sexual and otherwise) for students. Being assaulted by random sexiness could be very confusing to a student. Also having to go up to the blackboard with a boner always sucks.

Ninjas: I'm not going to lie. I would listen to everything a ninja ever taught me. I don't care if it's algebra. I just know somewhere in my heart that one day that info world be useful to help me kill my enemies and disappear into the night.

Naked Women: 2
Ninjas: 2

Sex

Naked Women: If you don't know what naked women have to offer to sex then I highly suggest you do a google search for "porn" with all the filters turned off. Go ahead. I'll wait.
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Done? Congratulations you are now the proud owner of 37 new computer viruses. Also unless all the sites you went to rather heavily featured the word "gay" you have an all too clear idea of what naked women have to offer to sex.

Ninjas: This one's a little more difficult. It's entirely possible that ninjas know secret pressure points that would make sex even better. (Ninjitsu aphrodisiac?) Also things like this help the argument.





















However here that paranoia about getting killed would rear its ugly head again. I just don't think I'd be able to enjoy myself while constantly worrying which direction the attack is going to come from. Also if I've learned nothing else from adult Japanese cartoons, it's this. Sex-ninjas can only get off when molested by demons with 12+ tentacle penises.

I can't meet those kinds of expectations. So I'm going to have to give this one to the ladies.

Naked Women: 3
Ninjas: 2

So as we can see the Ladies are ahead, but not by much, and this list is nowhere near complete.

So what do you think? Is there anything I've left out or didn't consider? Should the ninjas have won?

Let me know.

In the meantime I'm going to look for pics of Naked Ninja Women, because they make everything better.

Swimming

So as some of you may know I've been sick for the past couple of days. While this really hasn't affected my unemployed lifestyle all that much, it has hindered one activity that I've been enjoying recently; swimming.

For many of you this will seem like an odd choice of activity for me. You'd be right. "So why did you start?" is probably the question you're asking right now. (Actually the question you're probably asking is, "Is he still talking?" But it's my blog and I'll put words in your mouth if I want to. So, nah!)

Well consider this my origin story.

It all started about 15 years ago when my class took a field trip to a science lab and I was bit by a radioactive spider.

Editor: Oh for fuck's sake!

What?

Editor: That's Spider-Man's origin story.

It's not my fault Stan Lee used my story to create his iconic character.

Editor: You were born in, what? 1977?

Yeah...

Editor: Spider-Man was created in 1962 you dumb ass!

Okay the truth is I really don't know my origin. You see I was found wandering in the Canadian wilderness with no memories of my past. My only clue were metal claws that would

Editor: Wolverine.

Look, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Editor: The Hulk. What's next? Super soldier serum? Millionaire parents killed in front of you? Maybe you're a alien from a doomed planet who likes to uphold American values and wear tights.

Uhh...

Editor: I'm really not looking for a fight today. Just give us the truth.

I... got fat.

Editor: What was that? I couldn't quite hear you.

I got fat.

Editor: BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! You see!!! You should have used the Blob's origin story you tubby bitch!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Panic in his voice) Wait! What are you doing?!!! (Wild animal screams followed by wild human screams followed by a sudden disturbing silence.)

All done?

Editor: (Meekly) Where... did... you... get... a... badger?... (Passes out from rectal (?) blood loss.)

You never know when those things are going to come in handy.

Alright so the truth is out. I got fat. Months of inactivity and alcohol abuse took their toll. Also it should be noted that I have finally reached that fun age where me and my metabolism are no longer friends. In fact we are now mortal enemies. (Fun fact: My metabolism and I were supposed to finally settle our differences in the steel cage at UFC 100, but somehow the marketing people though Lesner was a bigger draw. No accounting for taste.) I've been aware of the problem for a while, but I'd gotten pretty good at ignoring it. At least until my Structural Intergration class. As many of you may know I'm studying a form of very deep tissue massage that attempts to effect the very structure of the human body. What you may not know is that after every other session we take a picture of ourselves, in bascially nothing but our underwear, so we can see what has changed after the session. This is never going to be a flattering photo, but I was ill prepared for what I saw.

I looked like a, slighty retarted, far less threating version of the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man. With an Autobots symbol. And hair.

Needless to say this was only a slighty better wake up call than, say, waking up and finding Rush Limbaugh trying to stuff his dick in your mouth. (The plus side to the Limbaugh situation is that you could be perfectly justified in beating the ever loving shit out of the man. And let's face it we've all wanted to do it, but don't want to get caught.) Something NEEDED to happen.

My teacher suggested swimming.

Now there a few problems that I have with this concept.

First I haven't swam in years, and when I did I sucked. Bad. Seriously I think people were worried I was having a seizure in the pool. I'm amazed no one jumped in to "rescue" me. So yeah I suck. But because of my size I have to go to some kind of lap pool, because in a normal pool one push off the side and I'm on the other side. No exercise occuring there. Really my only opition is to go to the big kid's pool and swim there. So what's the problem? You know who swims at lap pools? Do you?

People who can swim, that's who. So you're surrounded by people who KNOW how much you suck. Because, you know, they don't. Now I know what you're thinking. "People out there to swim aren't paying attention to you." While you do have a point you're forgeting something. Lifeguards. That's right, these people are payed to sit and watch you suck.

Hell, even the KIDS are good swimmers. Nothing is more frustrating that trying to do a physical activity and being schooled by a 9 year old.

You know, I think the next sport I pick up will be boxing. Think about it. I don't care how good some little nine year old phenom is. Chances are the little bastard won't even be able to hit me above the belt without jumping, and hitting me below the belt is against the rules. I like my odds. You put him in the ring with me and I WILL knock him the fuck out!

By the way, did I mention I'm available for childrens' birthday parties?

So yeah I suck. But really that's not the problem. The problem was my previously mentioned marshmellow appearence. Honestly the weight wasn't as big of a deal as I expected. You see, there's an almost equal ratio of overweight to perfectly fit people at the pool. It's strange because you really don't think of these groups as interacting together. It's almost like footage of different animals drinking at the same watering hole on the Discovery Channel. Of course that footage almost always ends with one of the stronger sleeker animals killing and eating one of the more docile ones.

My advise when going to the pool is this. Find someone slower than you. Stick close to them. If the shit goes down push the slower person in the way. Hopefully this will give you time to escape.

This advice can also be used in case of a zombie outbreak.

(Why do I assume so many things will end in cannibalism?)

No the real problem was my skin tone. Or to be more specific my total lack skin tone. Honestly I look like an albino covered in SPF 1000 sunscreen and white paint. Don't believe me? Totally true story. One of the first times I went out to the pool a fucking moth landed on me. Think about that for a minute. Middle of a cloudless, sunny, day next to a white building, and yet appearently this moth thought I was the brightest fucking thing around. I should really consider renting myself out as a light source.

But something odd happened. I tanned. I have never tanned. The other day I put on a white shirt, and I was darker than the shirt. It's sad how hard this was for me to comprehend. I just kept looking at myself in the mirror, with a look of utter confusion on my face.

Appearently I have the comprehension level of a hampster.

Still eventually I got over all this shit and got my ass to the pool. And you know what? I feel really good. I don't know if I've lost any flab, but I feel far better about myself. And really I think that's the most important thing.

Editor: (coming to) All that shit, and you wind it all up with a couple of sugary lines that could have been lifted from a PSA?

Well... Knowing is half the battle.

Editor: ugh...

Where did I put that badger?

Rereading that last post

So I just reread a little of that last post before I re-posted it. I've got to say I actually think my concept for a Transformers sequel was a FAR better plot than what Bay actually came up with for "Revenge of the Fallen".

And my plot involved a serial killer getting turned into a giant robot.

Sadly, I'm not kidding.

Friday the 13th Part 3: The Final Chapter

(Originally posted Saturday, February 14, 2009)

By now it should be pretty apparent that I'm going to tell you every damn thing that happened in the movie. So if you keep reading, don't come crying to me saying that you felt that I ruined the movie for you. You've been warned. Repeatedly. Take some responsibility.

Now, on with the review.

Oh, something that I forgot to mention at the end of the last chapter. That second opening sequence was basically the remake of Friday the 13th Part 2. So following that logic, the rest of the film is a remake of Part 3. Sort of.

Once again we fade in on a bunch of "kids" driving a shiny new SUV in a rather rural looking area. This time we have text reading, "6 weeks later." The kids stop to get some gas and water from a country store, which gives the filmmakers a chance to introduce this new batch of murder set pieces.

Just as before labeling them by their appropriate stereotype is much easier than trying to remember any name. So as the car opens, and the future kill count spills out revealing: 2 white assholes, 2 blond twits, 1 stoned Asian guy, 1 black guy who knows he's a stereotype, and (you guessed it) 1 nice brunette with small boobs. Yeah, I'm putting my money on the brunette to pull through.

AH1 (asshole #1) and brunette go inside the store where we meet *gasp* another ridiculously well sculpted young man talking with the cashier. We'll call him Bro, because as luck would have it, it turns out this young man is Guilty Girl's sister. Turns out Bro is looking for Sis (Guilty Girl's new name for the purpose of the review) who went missing about 6 weeks ago. This prompts AH1 to tell Bro to get out of the way, because he wants to buy his bottled water, and of course Brunette has to apologize for him being a dick.

Everybody leaves the store, with Bro going his separate way via motorcycle. (Because he's a rebel.) After about a block Bro is pulled over by a cop who tells Bro to just go home. Apparently the police have already done their investigation and didn't find Sis or her friends.

At this point I'd make some snide comment about how the crack police force looked really, REALLY, hard (honest) for 6 whole weeks, and didn't find anything. So obviously she couldn't be anywhere around here. (Apparently they even conducted interviews.) But given some of the shit that happens in the movie it just isn't worth it.

Moving on.

So it seems AH1's family is rich, and has a lake house on (you know what's coming don't you) Crystal Lake. Also it seems that AH1 HATES all of his friends except for Brunette.

Back to Bro who's handing out fliers of Sis to the locals by going door to door. The first house he stops at belongs to a creepy old woman who says; Sis is dead, outsiders don't know where to walk, the locals want to be left alone, and "he" wants to be left alone. She then shuts the door and walks away.

Pop Quiz time again. Obviously this old bitch knows what's going on. If you were in this situation would you...

A) Continue to quiz the woman until she tells you exactly what she knows about what happened to your only sister.

B) Get the police and make them interview her. (Because they clearly missed her testimony during their thorough investigation.)

C) Maybe go to the library and see if maybe there is some sort of public record about the woman and missing people. (For those of you who like to think outside the box.)

D) Just leave, and never again question what this woman just told you.

You guessed it he just leaves, and goes to interview some dickhead with a wood chipper. (This dickhead shall be known as "Dickhead" for the rest of the review.) Turns out Dickhead hasn't seen Sis either, but he does have some weed to sell. Apparently he has also found this abandoned pot field.

This raises an interesting question for me. Who's growing this shit? Is Jason growing it? Maybe that's why he keeps killing people. It's not some twisted sense of justice for his mother. He just wants to keep these kids from stealing his shit. Sadly that actually makes a lot more sense to me, but unfortunately the filmmakers never explore this option.

Instead Bro declines Dickhead's offer. Back at the Lake house AH2 (Asshole #2) and BT1 (Blond Twit #1) borrow AH1's SUV to check out the other side of the lake.

We return to Dickhead who is starting to light up a joint and masturbate, when he hears a noise upstairs. So Dickhead goes upstairs, makes some lewd gestures toward a mannequin, and gets killed by Jason.

Jason Kill Count: 5

"So what, exactly, was the point of that?" you may ask. Well, you see, up until this point Jason has been wearing a burlap sack over his head. While killing Dickhead, Jason's sack came off. But luckily for Jason there just happens to be a old hockey mask that fits him, just right. Now that the icon is complete we go back to our kids acting like dumb fucks.

So Bro, still passing out fliers, shows up at AH1's house. AH1 tells him to get the fuck out. Brunette decides to go with Bro into the woods together. Why she does this is anybody's guess. I gave up trying to figure out how women think a LONG time ago.

On the other side of the lake AH2 and BT1 decide to go water skiing. Topless. Of course Jason kills them both.

Jason Kill Count: 7

While the kids at the lake house play drinking games, Bro and Brunette find themselves at the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake.

?

?!

?!!!

I'm sorry, but WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO PASS OUT FLIERS, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ARE YOU WANDERING IN THE WOODS AT NIGHT, TO A CAMP SITE THAT WAS ABANDONED OVER 20 FUCKING YEARS AGO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, does that leap in logic make sense to anybody? I'm going to make a wild leap here, but wouldn't it make more sense to go somewhere with, oh I don't know, people? Am I wrong here?

*sigh*

Well, guess what happens when you go to Camp Crystal Lake? That's right Jason shows up lugging a dead body. Luckily Bro and Brunette had the forethought to hide, and even more amazing once he's gone they decide to run. (Actual survival instinct in a slasher film? What is this world coming to?)

So we see Jason drag his kill into some kind of makeshift cellar. Seems Jason is a bit of a pack rat. He's got all kinds of shit down here including a chained up, but still breathing Sis. Yeahbutwhat?!!!

It seems that Sis looks a lot like Jason's mother, and so Jason wants to keep her. How do we know this? Well you see Jason has his mother's locket. Inside the locket is a portrait of Jason mom. And when you see the portrait you can see that Sis looks NOTHING AT ALL like Jason's mom.

Back to the lake house. SA (Stoned Asian) breaks a chair, and goes down to the tool shed to get a screwdriver to fix it. BG (Black Guy) continues to get stoned. AH1 and BT2 go off to have sex.

So SA gets to the shed breaks more shit, and Jason shows up and stabs him with a screwdriver. The really impressive thing here is how Jason keeps sneaking up on people. Think about it. The dude's, like, 7 feet tall, in a hockey mask, wearing heavy fucking work boots, and near as I can tell hasn't taken a bath since Crazy Bitch died 20 years ago. How the hell could that combination seek up on anyone. I guess he's just that good.

Jason Kill Count: 8

Remember during Part 2 when I said the sex scene was really, really, bad? Well the sex between AH1 and BT2 is way worse. These two have no chemistry. None. Hell, I'd go so far as to say they have negative chemistry. And while they may not be repelling each other, they sure as hell are repelling me. I think the biggest problem is that for some reason the director thought they should talk. So AH1 proceeds to talk about her tits, and her nipple placement. (I'm so not making this up.) Even worse is that after delivers these lines with all the confidence of that kid on the short bus who flings his poo at the chalk board. She actually seems charmed (?!!!) by these tender comments. (As a side note if I ever meet a girl who tells me that this is what she's looking for in a guy I'm giving up on pussy for good. Because I will NEVER be able to match that expectation.)

While they have sex Bro and Brunette come back, and call the cops. Really? No shit? Maybe I was too hard on these kids. Then the phone and power go dead. BG runs out to the tool shed to get SA.

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I take back anything nice I said about these kids.

BG finds SA dead. Finds Jason alive. Tries to fight. Gives up. Runs... And gets a axe in the back. But he's not dead... Until Jason shoves the Axe through his chest.

Jason Kill Count: 9

Also somehow Jason gets inside and kills BT2. (We'll miss her tits and well placed nipples.)

Jason Kill Count: 10

Then the cop shows up. Jason kills him too.

Jason Kill Count: 11

Bro, AH1, and Brunette decide to run. Bro and Brunette go one way AH1 goes another. Running blindly through the woods AH1 busts out into the middle of an unmarked road where he almost gets hit by a tow truck. A hand from the driver's window beckons him closer. AH1 is cautious. Could that be Jason in the truck. Stupid Asshole, that's Jason behind you stabbing you with a machete and impaling you on the back of the tow truck as it speeds off.

Jason Kill Count: 12

As we bid adieu to Asshole #1 I'd like to share a thought I had earlier. The thing is we've seen AH1 before in another movie. You'd probably remember him playing Megan Fox's asshole (ex)boyfriend in the live action Transformers movie. In fact he seems to be playing the exact same character. Hell, I think he's even driving the same stupid SUV. Also both movie take place in the Michael Bayverse. So I'm thinking AH1 could be our gateway to seeing an incredible spectacle of stupid that would be called... Transformers vs. Jason.

You don't look convinced. Yes I know the concept is stupid. That's just it! It's SO stupid that it's flipped the gauges and become awesome. This is how I see the plot going.

Megan Fox learns of the death of her ex, and even though he was a dick she still feels kind of bad. She gets Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots to check out Crystal Lake where they find a crazed mutant named Jason going murderific on some teenagers who won't get off his fucking lawn. Well the Autobots stop and capture Jason, cause they don't kill humans. But little did they know what remains of the Decepticons are watching. Realizing Jason's potential for destruction, they free him, and use a small shard of the All-Spark (they just happened to find it you see) to change Jason into Ultravorhees. A mindless killing machine on par with anything the Autobots have to throw at him. I'm also thinking he should transform into a GIANT FUCKING ZAMBONI!!!!!

*crickets chirping*

You know a Zamboni... Cause he wears a hockey mask... Going with the whole hockey theme...

*yet more crickets*

Well I think it'd be awesome.

Fine. Back to the movie. So Bro and Brunette run to Jason's house. (These must be the smallest woods ever. I've been in playgrounds with more set pieces.) There they find Sis in the basement. They free her, but Jason shows up, so all three run off down a tunnel. Finally they find an exit. Bro goes through. Sis goes through. Brunette gets stabbed through the heart.

Jason Kill Count: 13

Actually this really surprised me. She didn't do drugs. She didn't have sex. I don't even think she ever cussed. She was just hot and friendly. Usually in horror movies being hot and friendly is how you survive. Though I have to admit with the return of Sis, Brunette really did become rather superfluous. Really do we really need two hot survivors?

The exit actually seems to come up next to Dickhead's wood chipper. Thanks to a heavy use of set pieces, and Jason thinking Sis is his mom, (I still don't see it) Bro and Sis are able to get a chain around Jason's neck, over a rafter, and into the wood chipper which acts like a wench hanging Jason. But of course Jason's too heavy and the rafter breaks. Now Jason's being pulled to the wood chipper. But he's too strong and is able to keep his head out of the chipper. Well, until Sis stabs him in the chest with his own machete. But even then only the very top of his tumorific head makes it to the chipper blades. Still he seems to be dead, so Bro and Sis drop his body in the lake.

If you've ever even heard of a horror movie before you know what's going to happen.

Undead Jason jumps out of the water for one last scare. And we go to the credits.

One last gripe and were done. But, why wouldn't you, oh I don't know, hack up the remains of his body and feed every inch of him into the wood chipper? Seriously if some giant mutant shows up, kills all of my friends, and I'm somehow able to take him down, you better believe I'm going to go all kinds of Fargo on his ass.

So that's it. That was the Friday the 13th remake. Was it worth all this effort? Probably not. But that's not the real question. The real question is was the movie worth your time? All I can say is, that depends. As I stated in the very beginning I love horror films. Despite all my (obvious) problems with the film I have to admit I was entertained.

Either you like these movies or you don't.

I for one, can't wait for Transformers vs. Jason.

Night all.

Friday the 13th Part 2

(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)

So remember how last time I said that I was going to try and avoid spoiling anything major in the movie? Yeah, well, I'd say it's safe to say that my last blog blew that theory right the hell out of the water. So let's just assume that I'm going to ruin the fuck out of this film, so if you're planning to see it you might want to do so before you read any further.

Now on to the second part of my review the Friday the 13th remake.

Last we left, crazy bitch was dead, and lil' Jason (sounds like a really shitty comic strip) has the machete that killed her. At this point I should mention that there is a voice-over of Crazy Bitch saying that Jason would have to kill for her from now on.

Way to fuck up a kid from beyond the grave lady. How the mother of the year awards overlooked you is anybody's guess.

Next we cut to a group of 5 barely (yeah right) legal kids backpacking in the woods. Also there is some text stating that it is 20 years later. Of these 5 "kids" there are two couples, and one nerd. (Note: It is impossible for me to remember all of these "character's" names, as such I will be referring to them as the stereotypes that they are meant to represent.) When it comes to the two couples you have the oversexed white couple, and on the other hand you have the ethnically neutral guy (so called because I don't know what he is) and the guilty looking white girl.

Anyway they're all following the nerd, because he's the only one who can read the GPS that they have. Trouble is that he doesn't seem to be very good at reading it. It seems these kids are looking for some huge field of pot that they intend to steal and resell thus making themselves rich.

Now maybe I'm just horribly naive to the way the whole drug game plays out, but I would think that if I had a field of pot in the middle of nowhere, I'd have someone guarding it. You know. Just in case some fuckhead extras from a slasher movie decided to come and try and steal my shit. But that's me. Maybe I'm just hypothetically paranoid.

Anyway, the nerd thinks they're close, so they decide to set up camp for the night. At this point I should mention that the nerd simply can't stop running his goddamn mouth about factoids, while relevant to the current situation, nobody cares about. Until they start roasting marshmallows around the campfire that is.

You see due to some extraordinarily bad luck it turns out they've set up camp right next to the remains of Camp Crystal Lake. For whatever the nerd knows the story of Jason drowning, Crazy Bitch turning into a crazy bitch and killing everyone, and how Jason came back and the police tried to catch him... HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!!! CAME BACK?!! How the fuck did he come back?!!! Did he fucking die or not?!! And if he did die how the hell did he come back? Sadly the movie never tells you, because this is where the nerd's story, and subsequently all of the back story for this movie, ends.

Me? I'm blaming the Umbrella Corporation.

At this point guilty girl and ENG (Ethnically Neutral Guy) decide to take a walk. Nerd hangs out for a bit, but then also leaves when oversexed couple want to have sex.

Guilty girl tells ENG that she wants to leave early because she feels bad for leaving her mom. ENG says something comforting about puking (not making this up) until they come across a horribly run down house.

Pop quiz time again!!! You come across a run down house in the middle of the woods. Do you...

A) realize that it's the middle of the night, and think that maybe this isn't the best time to commit a B&E.

B) knock on the door to see if anyone is home.

C) have unprotected sex while smoking pot on the front porch.

D) make like Scrappy fucking Doo and bust right in looking for a mystery.

I had my money on "C", but once again they proved me wrong, and went with "D" again. Inside the house is very run down, but honestly rather well stocked. It's almost like a woman who had lived here 20 years ago died suddenly and never came back. In case you haven't figured it out yet, there's also a child's room with a bed that reads "Jason". ENG remembers that was the name of the kid in the campfire story. Guilty Girl says she want to leave. But of course they don't.

Next we cut back to the nerd walking in the woods. He stops to pee, and pees on the very pot field he was looking for. Nerd is happy as hell until he looks up and sees a shadowy figure looking down at him. Shadowy figure kills Nerd with some shaky camera work, and the Nerd slams against a tree.

Jason Kill Count: 1

Next we cut to oversexed couple having sex in their tent. At this point I've got to mention that this is some of the fakest movie sex I've ever seen. It's like watching the two least social drama geeks in your high school put together a sex scene using a couple of random pics from an old issue of Hustler as a reference. It's just bad. Anyway oversexed girl thinks nerd is watching them and sends oversexed guy out to shoo him off. So oversexed guy walks off into the woods looking for nerd. Really if nerd was watching wouldn't he be kinda nearby, but oversexed guy doesn't agree with me and decides to go for a fucking hike near as I can tell.

He's probably as let down with the sex scene as I was.

So we cut back to oversexed girl looking scared in her tent, as noises come from the exact opposite direction that her boyfriend just went. She might have said something... I could really care less as two seconds later a machete blade comes ripping through the tent. And...

Cut back to oversexed guy, who just happens to find the same pot field as nerd. Oh, he also finds nerd's ear attached to an ipod, and the rest of nerd attached to a tree. Suddenly he hears oversexed girl scream and runs full tilt back to the camp site.

Where he steps on a bear trap.

All he can do is watch as Jason has apparently tied up oversexed girl in her sleeping bag and hung her over the fire pit to burn to death.

Now while I don't really agree with Jason's rather hard line stance on killing naked women, I've got to admire the effort he put into this little production. I'm totally serious here. You see just last week I had to take my roommate's cat to the vet. That meant that I had to get said cat in the cat carrier. Seeing as the cat didn't really want to get in the carrier this took several minutes. Now think about what Jason had to do here. He had to grab a woman weighing somewhere over a 100 lbs, who was also naked therefore harder to grab. Shove her in a sleeping bag, which are usually pretty snug. Then tie her up and hang the whole mess from a tree, right over the fire. Also near as I can tell he did this whole job in 5 minutes or less. Less time than it took me to deal with the cat.

Like him or hate him you've got to admit he's damn good at what he does.

Eventually the bag burns enough for oversexed girl to fall, dead, out on to the ground.

Jason Kill Count: 2

Finally we get back to our Scooby Gang who are still investigating this house. Still?!! Jesus Christ!!! The things a fucking shack! It can't possibly have more than four rooms so what could be taking them so long?!!

I'd like to think they decided to change their answer for my earlier pop quiz, but in reality I think they're just mind numbingly stupid.

Anyway they finally make it to the bathroom where there are a bunch of candles surrounding a hole in the wall. ENG sees something in the wall.

Pop qui... Aw, fuck it. He reaches in and grabs the damn thing. Turns out Jason has been keeping Crazy Bitch's head in the wall for the last 20 years.

Which I guess that's kinda sweet in a fucked up kinda way, but the bathroom? Really? Personally I wouldn't want to spend all of my afterlife watching people drop a deuce. And that really can't be comfortable for Jason either. I know I wouldn't be able to go with my mom watching all the time.

So the door to the house slams shut, and when ENG goes to check it out, machette blades start stabbing up through the floor. Eventually the machete finds it's mark at which point Jason smashes through the floor and pulls ENG under. In an actually smart move Guilty Girl runs.

Jason Kill Count: 3

Guilty Girl runs back to their camp and finds oversexed guy still caught in the bear trap. She tries to help, but Jason shows up and stabs oversexed guy in the head.

Jason Kill Count: 4

Guilty Girl tries to run again, but Jason runs after her raises his blade, begins to attack, and...

We cut to the title, which tells us that we are, in fact, watching "Friday the 13th."

Remember in part one, when I mentioned that this movie had the longest opening ever. That was no bullshit. Here we are at least 20-25 minutes into the film and we just now get the opening title?!! We're at least 1/4 if not 1/3 of the way into the movie and it's just NOW officially starting?!!

HORSESHIT!!!!!

Sigh... I'm going to go drink a beer and calm down. Join me next time for the final chapter in my review of Friday the 13th.

Friday the 13th Part 1

(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)

As you could probably guess, I love horror movies. Good, bad, odd, hell, the only horror movie that I don't like is one that's boring. So seeing as the fates arranged for, me to have the day off the same day that the Friday the 13th remake opened, on Friday the fucking 13th, I was clearly predestined to see this film. And, let me tell you it wasn't boring.

Before I continue, I feel the need to warn you that I will be discussing the movie. While I will be doing my best to keep the majority of the post spoiler free, I really can't guarantee that I won't ruin some parts of the movie.

Might I suggest that you use the time that you would reading this blog doing something productive. Perhaps you could read a book. Build a birdhouse. Help your elderly neighbor with their groceries. Cover yourself in chocolate syrup and let the dog lick you clean. Whatever, I won't judge you. Don't worry you can come back after you've had a chance to see the movie. I'll still be here.

Now that that is out of the way I can hit you with the biggest spoiler in the movie. There is no story. Seriously, here's a one sentence description: Kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. Now you may think that I'm being a little harsh, but I'm not. Truthfully this bare bones approach actually works to the movie's benefit. Cause, let's face it. If you're going to see Friday the 13th, you want to see, kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. It's a formula that's worked for decades, why fuck with it now.

As you probably already know this film is a remake. However what you may not know is that this isn't a remake of the first film. It's a remake of the first three films. Which leads to the longest opening sequence in a movie EVER! Seriously.

The movie opens with text stating that we're at Camp Crystal Lake in 1980, on apparently a very rainy night. (Because rain is scary.) There we see a middle aged woman threatening a teenage girl with a knife next to the water. The woman apparently blames the girl and her friends for letting her son drown. (In case you haven't guessed the woman is Mrs. Vorhees, and her son was Jason.) Now there is one huge glaring problem with this scene. You see the girl is crying, begging for her life; which I'll admit seems somewhat rational, seeing as this crazy bitch killed all her friends before the movie even started. Or at least it would seem rational if it weren't for the fact that the girl in question is holding a FUCKING MACHETE IN HER HAND!!!

Pop quiz time boys and girls. If have a machete, and you are being chased by a crazy bitch with a knife, do you...

A) Beg for mercy.

B) Run through the woods at top speed in the middle of the night during a monsoon improving your chances of slipping and falling on your sharpened blade.

C) Cut the crazy bitch's head off.

D) All of the above.

While "C" would seem like the obvious answer to me, our nameless teenager actually decides to go with "D". That's right once crazy bitch decides to shut up and attack, teenager cuts her head off. Then teenager drops the machete and walks off.

However what she doesn't see is a childlike hand pick up the machete and his mother's necklace, and... WAIT JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE!!! Jason's still alive?!! Then why the fuck did mommy, flip the fuck out, and kill all the counselors?!! Seriously, if the kid is alive, then it seems to me the counselors didn't do all that bad of a job. Sure he probably could have been watched better, but doesn't murder seem like a little overkill. Really what the woman should have done was sue the fuck out of the camp, get a huge settlement, and get her retarded freak (did I mention that he mentally and physically deformed?) of a son some special schooling so that he might lead something that resembles a normal life.

But no, mommy goes kill crazy, and gets her head chopped off, and...

Sorry one more tangent, but who the hell is watching Jason while mommy's out killing teenagers. Wasn't her entire problem that people weren't watching her kid. And don't even try to suggest that she got a fucking babysitter. Here's what that interview would go like.

Crazy Bitch: Hello, I was wondering if I might be able to get a sitter to watch my son for the next week or so?

Operator: Are you leaving town for the week?

Crazy Bitch: Oh no. I'll be around. But I'm afraid that I'll be stepping out at all hours. You see I've got to kill all the people who watched Jason last time.

Operator: You've got to kill them? Why?

Crazy Bitch: Because they let my son drown.

Operator: Wait. Your son is dead?

Crazy Bitch: Oh no! He's very alive, though he is a little special.

Operatior: So he was left in the water too long and now has brain damage?

Crazy Bitch: No, no. He's been like that since birth.

Operator: Let me see if I've got this straight. You're going out, to kill a bunch of kids, because they pulled him out of the water and returned him back to you just the way he was before, and you want US to watch him while you do this?

Crazy Bitch: Exactly! How soon can you get here? I'm really eager to get started!

Operator: *click.*

Crazy Bitch: Hello? Hello? I guess she hung up. It's so hard to find a good sitter these days.

No one would take that job. It would be a death sentence. That's means Jason's home alone, NOT BEING TAKEN CARE OF. Which is exactly what she's killing people for. This woman is the biggest fucking hypocrite ever! She should be in politics.

So yeah, she kills kids before the movie starts. Gets her head chopped off. Her son takes her necklace and the machete. And... We fade to black.

This entire sequence was basically a remake of the entire first film, and it only took FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!

See what I mean about the story being irrelevant.

Anyway I'm going to take a short break.

See you soon for part 2.

Uhh... Devilman?

(Originally posted Sunday, January 25, 2009)

Fuck! I completely forgot about the Devilman review when I wrote my Devilman review.

It sucks.

Night everyone.

Thoughts on Devilman

(Originally posted Sunday, January 25, 2009)

So believe it or not I've actually received a request to update this blog on a more regular basis. This is my attempt, such as it is, to fulfill that request. In the spirit of this new start I thought I'd do this just a little bit differently today. So instead of porn I'm going to do a review of a live action adaptation of a Japanese anime. Today's subject is Devilman.

Now some of you are probably wondering at this very moment, just who the hell is Devilman?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devilman

There you go. Blog over. You can all go home now.

Your not going to let me go that easy are you.

Editor: You know they probably would. I, however, won't.

JESUS!!! Couldn't you knock or something when you come in. Fuck! You just scared 10 years off my life.

Editor: That just means that I'm 10 years closer to freedom.

You do realize that when I go, you go with me.

Editor: I embrace my oblivion with open arms. If it means being free of you.

Come on! I really can't be that bad, can I?

Editor: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED READING THOUGH THIS SHIT YOU POST?!!!! HAVE YOU?!!!! IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! I HATE IT AND I HATE YOU!!!! (Begins sobbing hysterically.)

Uhh... Look I'm sorry. Really. I think maybe you and I just got of on the wrong foot. Wow, you really are crying a lot aren't you? Do you want a hug or something?

Editor: Just go away. Miguel was the only one who ever understood me.

(Pondering.) Miguel?... Sorry, but, who the hell is Miguel?

Editor: YOU INSENSITIVE ASS!!!! Miguel was my Latin poet. A man with such depth and insight that to read his work was akin to looking into the face of God, and being comforted by his warmth and grace. He was a gift. The kind that only comes across once in a lifetime. And you took him from me. (Begins gently sobbing again.)

Wait a second... Are you talking about that day-laborer that you tried to replace me with? The one, who, correct me if I'm wrong here, was writing Pokemon bondage porn in Spanish. Is that who you're talking about?

Editor: You never understood his genius. You couldn't see past the mythical animals in fetish wear beating and penetrating each other. Your small brain couldn't see to the glory that resided within the pages.

Okaaaay... As I recall you couldn't even read anything he wrote. I mean it was all in Spanish after all.

Editor: WHY MUST YOU TEAR DOWN EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE?!!!! Why can't you let me have one bit of happiness?

Well, if it makes you feel better, last I heard the authorities hadn't managed to catch him yet. At this very moment he's probably running free across the plains like a wild chihuahua. The wind in his hair. The fleas on his ass.

Editor: You really think so?

Uh... Sure?

Editor: Do you think he'll ever come back to me?

If he's as special as you seem to think I'm sure he'll be back.

Editor: Then we can finally get rid of your worthless ass!!!

You know what?!!! Fuck you! I tried to be nice! I tried to make things easier for you! But you know what? Fuck that!

(Pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to the editor.)

Editor: What's this?

An arrest report. It seems your boy got caught at a local Toys R Us two weeks ago, compulsively force fucking the entire plush toy aisle. Within the hour his teddy bear fucking ass was on a plane back home. And as you know in his county they don't look to kindly on the sexual abuse of stuffed animals. I'd say Miguel is in for a rough homecoming, wouldn't you?

Editor: (Trembling uncontrollably.)

You like that?!!! That's the sweet chewy goodness of justice you're tasting right now!!! Go ahead suck on it for a while. This is proof that the system works. You do not fuck with freedom! I don't care how sexy his accent was.

Editor: Did he say anything before they took him?

"Que?"

Procurement of Pornography III: The Revenge

(Originally posted Sunday, July 13, 2008)

Sorry for that last little interlude. But I have to say that I think it's truly brought me and my editor closers as colleagues. And dare I say it, friends?

Editor: (Screaming from the back room.) WHEN I GET MYSELF UNTIED FROM THIS FUCKING CHAIR, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME YOU PANSY-ASS-SUCKER-PUNCHING-GOAT-FUCKING-CUM-GUZZLING-PUNK!!!!!

Jesus! How the fuck do you keep getting that fucking gag off?!!! What do I have to do?!!! Superglue it to your fucking tounge?!!!

Excuse me everyone. I'll be right back.

(From the back room is heard the sounds of a horrible beating followed by: screams, cursing, the sound of power tools, crying, the national anthem, more crying, and... Moo-ing?!!!)

Sorry about that. Emergency editorial conversation. I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. Besides that's not why you're here.

You're here for the porn.

That's right hot, sweaty, sticky, sexy porn.

Well I'd say that I've kept you waiting long enough.

...
...
...
...
...

You're going to have to keep waiting.

As I mentioned before this particular porn was bought at the local mall. Well guess what? It's censored. Basically any and all scenes of penetration have been removed from what should be a fairly ordinary series of pornographic films.

For most of you that's all the information you're going to require from this review. But I, on the other hand, have way too much time on my hands.

The amazing thing is that I didn't even know the movie was censored at first. The "plot" of the first film, was of a porn director whose getting too artsy for his own good, and he's starting to alienate his fans. So the first sex scene is supposed to be an example of his "artsy" porn. The scene featured lots of the backs of people's heads bobbing, and slow-motion close-ups of thighs rocking back and forth. I have to admit, for a minute, I thought the director was truly on to something. Namely making a statement that this kind of shit would really and truly frustrate and audience. Because I knew it was frustrating the ever-living fuck out of me.

However, after a moment, I came to my senses. Then I was just annoyed. After a while I started watching, way too intently, to see if the editor would fuck up and let slide an actual shot of the good stuff. It actually kinda reminded me of being a kid, watching scrambled skin flicks on cable just hoping to catch a glimpse of a warped nipple.

Just a random side thought, but why is it that only prepubescent boys and christian watch groups watch things like this with such an attention too detail?

Second random side thought: Priests like fucking prepubescent boys. Maybe there's a connection. Someone should do a study.

Third random side thought: I'd love to see someone apply for a grant for that study. I'd like to think that it goes something like this.

Man 1: So let me see if I've got this straight. You're trying to prove a connection between boys watching scrambled porn and priests wanting to fuck them?

Man 2: Yes.

Man 1: Shit. I've got to watch this train wreck. Approved.

Man 2: Awesome!!!

In my mind this is how the world works. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'm not to far off.

Anyway, back to the porn.

So I'm not saying that you have to see penetration for a sex scene to be good. Hell, the scenes in "300" and "History of Violence" got more than a few people turned on, and those movies were rated "R". But what makes scenes like that and the hundreds, if not thousands, of the soft-core porn out there work, is that these scenes are planned not to show anything. They usually attempt to imply the deed through camera angles, music, lighting, sound effects, and story.

Hard core porn has none of this. That's what makes these DVD's such a mystery to me. I can't figure out what audience they're trying to cater to. Is there really a large grouping of people who are thinking to themselves, "Jeez! You know, I love hard core porn. The stories, the acting, the locations. Really, I just can't get enough of that stuff. If only it wasn't for actually seeing the penis and vagina touch. That's just gross."

Somehow that's just a hard sell for me.

So there you have it. If you see hardcore porn for sale at the local mall, just keep walking. You'll be better served by going to an actual video store and renting some, or doing a google search for "college".

P.S. One awesome discovery I made from this little endeavor; Briana Banks sounds almost exactly like Fran Drescher from "The Nanny". Seriously I kept waiting for her to do that stupid fucking laugh. So if you've ever wondered what the nanny sounds like when she's fucking, well, here's your chance.

Procurement of Pornography Zwei

(Originally posted Sunday, July 13, 2008)

(Editor's note: Seeing as the author has been a lazy fuck; we, the powers that be, have replaced him with an illegal immigrant named Miguel. Say hello Miguel.)

Miguel: Hello.

Wait! I'm here!

Editor: You're way too late. You've been replaced.

You can't replace me. This is my blog. Without me it doesn't exist.

Editor: And yet we've replaced you. You can collect your things. Security will be up shortly to escort you out of the building.

This can't be happening. Look people read this blog to see what I have to say.

Editor: Don't flatter yourself kid. All you do is talk about things relatively sarcastically, and say, "fuck" a lot. Miguel can do that also. He also brings a much needed sex appeal to this blog that, let's face it, you couldn't muster on your best day.

That's... not... true...

Editor: Miguel show him.

Miguel: (With a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck.

Editor: See?

(In shock.) I... wow... um... Do you think he'd have my kids?

Editor: WHAT?!!!

Nothing. Didn't mean to say that out loud. But what about the subject matter. I mean, people are waiting for my review.

Editor: Oh please. It's not like you're writing Citizen Fucking Kane! You're doing a shitty porn review.

Yeah... but...

Editor: And you haven't even wrote anything yet. Miguel, on the other hand, has a fully prepared Pokemon fanfic story ready to go. Given your general maturity level and class I figure your audience should eat this shit up.

But that doesn't make any sense. I mean I was going to write about porn, and

Editor: (Cutting me off. That prick.) Oh don't worry there's plenty of sex in the story.

About Pokemon? Please tell me you're kidding.

Editor: Oh, no! In fact there is one particular S&M scene that I think people will find particularly exciting. It involves the Pokemon trainer being tied up, some jumper cables, pikachu, squirtel, and a roll of quarters.

(Attempting to close jaw. Failing horribly.)

Editor: Here. Look at the illustrations.

There are pictures? (looking at the page) Sweet Jesus!!!

Editor: We're calling it "Pokemon Mystery Dungeon." I think it's got a nice ring to it.

(Still looking at the pictures, not blinking.) I think... I just died a little on the inside.

Editor: Here I'll tell you what. Just to show you that there are no hard feelings I'll give you a copy of the blog for free.

(Begin to flip through the 134 page epic of Pokemon smut.) Um... You haven't actually read this yet have you?

Editor: Well... No. But Miguel assures me that it's of the highest quality.

Well that may be. But it's all in Spanish.

Editor: What!!! (Begins flipping through the blog frantically.) Bad Miguel!!! Bad!!!

Miguel: Que?

You do realize that I write in English for a reason, right? Most of the people I write for can only read English. Hell, I took years of Spanish classes and the only thing I remember how to say is, "Donde es el bano?"

Editor: What does that mean?

I'm not sure. I think it means something like, "May I molest your parrot."

Editor: Why would you ever want to say something like that.

Hey! You were just trying to force Pokemon bondage porn upon the world! Don't judge!

Editor: That's different...

Look, let's be rational. You want a blog posted that people can read. I want to write a blog that people can read. And Miguel wants to start running if he wants to stay in this country, because I've just texted the authorities to come pick up his illegal ass.

Miguel: (In a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck!!! (Runs out the door.)

Editor: Miguel! Noooooo!!!!!!!!! Come back to me! I'm so lonely.

Well you've still got me chief.

Editor: I hate you.

Same to you boss. Well time to get started on that blog.

Editor: About fucking time.

After a little while. Feeling a bit peckish right now.

Editor: I REALLY fucking hate you.

And so, all is right with the world.

Procurement of Pornography

(Originally posted Monday, July 07, 2008)


So this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I have been know, from time to time, to watch porn. I know this may come as a bit of a shock, seeing as I come across as such a pure and upstanding citizen, but it's true. Me I see it as the natural result of 28 non-consecutive years of abstinence.

Of course it's entirely possible that I'm just a pervert.

I mention this because just recently I purchased some and the resulting experience is something that I feel the need to share with the world.

At some point each and every one of us has watched some form of porn. Hell, thanks to the internet, we live in a culture where it's increasingly more difficult to avoid. Think about it. Chances are a google search for "sandbox" is going to bring up at least a few hits for geriatric lesbian porn. (If the need to research this overcomes you feel free. I won't judge you... Freak.)

My point is porn is amazingly easy to come by, so why would anyone actually pay good money at a store for these carnal recordings. In this particular case it all comes down to location, and this location was the local mall.

Allow me to set the scene. It was about midday on my day off. Not really wanting to go home I stopped by the mall to kill some time. One of the stores in the mall was one of those ridiculously overpriced music/video stores. As I was perusing the shelves upon shelves of shit, that I had no intention of buying, I came upon their clearance section. This section was about three shelves of direct to video crap that even Dean Cain wouldn't star in. Until I got to the last half of the last shelf. And there, behind some horrid looking sci-fi movie, I found porn.

Now understand that I'm not talking about some general Playboy pin-up DVD, but rather several "films" from Vivid Video. (While I'm guessing that most of you know what Vivid Video is, I'm afraid that special agent Rick might be in the dark. Vivid is a large American video company well known for producing XXX rated pornography. Indeed chances are, that if you've watched a porn in the last 10 years, Vivid produced it.) Not only were they Vivid films, but they were only $7.00. Seriously that's about the same price as a rental and a box of tissues. For whatever reason this highly amused me and piqued my curiosity. However I did not make a purchase that day.

For the rest of the night I was plagued with the question, "Just what kind of porn can you buy at the mall for seven bucks?!!!"

In fact I believe my internal dialogue went something like this.

Me: Just what kind of porn can I buy for seven bucks?!!!

Other Me: Well buy it and then you'll know.

Me: Nah, it's probably going to suck.

Other Me: You don't know that. It might be amazing. It could be that no one else has dared to buy it. You could be the first. You could be the Indiana Mother Fucking Jones of mall porn. You know before the shitty CGI and stupid alien references.

Me: I did always want a fedora...

Other Me: That's it. Come to the Dark Side.

Me: Wow. A reference to Indy and Star Wars in less than a 100 words. All I need now is to figure out a way to slip in THX-1138 and I'll have Lucas's holy trinity.

Other Me: Uhh, dude, you just did.

Me: BOOYAH!!! I'm the mother fucking king. So... What do I win?

Other Me: Well seeing how you have this much stupid George Lucas related information shoved in your head, AND you know who Dean Cain is. I'd say you're never getting laid again. Therefore you're going to need all the porn you can get.

It's actually hard for me to argue with that kind of logic, so the next day I went back to the store. Now your average man-boy would have no problems picking up the videos paying for them and leaving, but never let it be said that I am average.

So I decided to pick up 3 videos thinking this would give me a decent sampling of what they were selling. This was not hard, because honestly you can't tell shit from the covers, so really it was a random sampling. The first hurdle, actually, was the cashier. This girl was young. Certainly underage, with braces. I'm guessing that this was her summer job while she's off from high school. Let me tell you, very few things will make you feel like a dirty old man like buying porn from a high school girl will. As if that wasn't enough, the girl couldn't figure out how to open the security case, and informed me that we'd have to wait for her manager to come back.

At this point any normal person would have declared this entire situation as too much goddamn trouble, and really kind of silly. But I was on a quest and I would not be stopped.

So I waited. While I waited the girl left my selection sitting on the counter in full view of all the other customers. I truly believe the populous could smell my need to purchase these videos, because there were more customers than normal that day. After about half a dozen people came up to the counter and saw what I was attempting to buy, the manager finally appeared.

And opened all the cases in about 2 seconds.

Now, really, this should be the end of it, but no. Next the girl couldn't figure out how to apply the sale price to the videos. So the manager had to come to the rescue again.

Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I had paid for my purchase. I thought I was done. I was wrong. First instead of just putting the videos in the normal store bag, she pulled out a brown paper bag. A brown fucking paper fucking bag! I'm truly amazed they didn't just give me a pin that said, "Hey!!! Everybody look!!! This guy is buying porn!!!" Then, after the longest bagging process ever, (I'm not kidding it took her like 3 minutes to put 3 DVDs in a brown bag.) my roommate sends me a text message. This make the girl look up at me smile and say, "I really like your ringtone."

This may not seem like a big deal but after everything I just went though, it took everything I had NOT to bust out laughing right there in the store.

So how was the porn? Was it worth the whole experience? Was it worth your time to read this crap? What's on tv right now?

Tomorrow I will answer all these questions.

(Except the "tv" one. However, I'm willing to wager a guest. I'm going with, "crap".)

Telephone

(Originally posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008)

We've all done it at least once. I am of course talking about taking the winding path through youtube. You know, when you do one search and then about two hours later you realize you're watching something completely different than what you started with because you keep clicking on the "related videos". Really I think of this like that old game telephone, where the statement is completely different by the time it makes it's way through the room.

Totally innocent and mildly amusing.

However this is what happens when I do it.

It all started with me doing a google search on my name. Turns out there's an Irish comedian with the same fucking name. So I thought I look up some of his act.



Not my favorite, but all in all not horrible. Then I moved on to the following clip.



Now I have to admit this made me laugh my ass off. Richard Simmons gaying it up to 11. (For the record I don't mean "gay" as a negative phrase here. I mean that he wants to fuck the shit out of all the other guys, while on stage. Just so we're clear.)

So we've seen a couple of comedy acts. Makes sense. About now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Why the fuck did this guy bother writing all this shit? Is there a point? Doesn't he have anything better to do with his time? I could be watching porn right now." After that last thought I would imagine that half of you have left to watch porn. I don't blame you. I wish I had done the same. Instead I witnessed this.



So... Yeah... WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING TO OUR KIDS?!!!!

This is the point when any sane person would have given up on the human race and gone to bed. Instead I wound up here.



Just to recap I started with a comedian, moved to a comedy act, then wound up on some sort of acid trip induced children's programing, and then we end here. A video of two people talking about how their love of getting fucked by a horse brought them together.

At this very moment I'm struggling not to curl up in a fetal position.

So the question is, "What does all this shit have in common?"

After much deliberation, and cursing of the human race, I think I have an answer. Drum roll please.

Bad Hair.

Good night. Sleep tight. And for the love of god, if you ever meet and marry someone because of your shared love of horse cock, do not, under any circumstances attempt to breed.

Fisto Aborto is always watching.