Death Bed

Sometime around the beginning of the month Zach came up with a brilliant idea. He was going to review 13 horror movies for the month of October. I thought to myself, "Self, that's a great fucking idea. I should totally steal it and do my own series of horror themed posts." So the mood was set and I prepared to immerse myself in various aspects of the world of horror.

Then I got lazy.

If you've been reading my rants for any length of time then you know that procrastination is one of my many antagonists. Yet today I find that I am ready to move forward on this noble pursuit. Why? I'll tell you.

The other day I was reading Zach's post. (Something I really recommend for everyone who might find themselves reading this. Not only has he put up some entertaining reviews, but he has also provided the link to a free horror short film and written a horror short story. Here's the link. Don't say I never gave you anything.) Upon a quick glance I noticed that he reviewed "Death Bed". However upon closer inspection he actually hadn't review the movie at all. What he had done was provide a basic explanation of some of the more ridiculous points of the movie, with a general statement that he wouldn't watch the film again to properly review it. And even worse he included Patton Oswalt's comedy routine about the movie. This my friends is dangerous in ways you may not even be aware of.

First of all it should be said; Oswalt's routine is fucking hilarious! I'm not kidding. You will laugh. The unfortunate side effect is that you will feel compelled to watch Death Bed after hearing it. It's what happened to me. No one should walk into that trap unprepared.

Sadly this is where I felt that Zach's post faltered. It shouldn't be a review. It shouldn't be a casual mention. No, it should be a warning. It should warn you to tread lightly when even thinking of approaching this film.

With this in mind we begin my review/warning of Death Bed. A movie that I have watched a second time, sober, so that I might save you from my fate.

You people fucking owe me.

The film begins with the opening title screen simply saying "Breakfast". Then we are shown a small brick room featuring the titular bed, and some guy sitting in a hole behind the room's sole painting. Who is this guy? Why is he behind the painting? Why does he talk to the bed when it clearly doesn't talk back? While some of these questions actually do get answered later in the film, the truth is this guy is our narrator. Let me tell you this guy is essential to the movie, especially later on. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We cut to a young couple who apparently decided that a fun afternoon would be to break into a secluded mansion, and have a picnic. Yet when they find all the doors locked (magically by the bed) they find an open door leading to a cellar/guest room where the bed resides. The couple decided that the bed would be a perfect place to make out and so they do so. While the couple thumb wrestle with their tongues the bed eats there picnic lunch.

This is the first time we see the effect of the bed eating so it deserves some special mention. First you know the bed is about to eat something because it covers said item with a bunch of yellow foam. Second the devoured item falls through the surface of the bed into a a tank of yellow liquid that I can only assume is supposed to be the bed digestive tract. Third the item dissolves. That's it. You will see this scene repeated over and over again. It never gets any better.

The couple eventually notice there lunch has been eaten... But who cares?! There's sex to be had! So they begin to get all hot and heavy, somehow not noticing that the drapes around the bed are being pulled shut. Then the bed eats them.

Now maybe I've just had the world's most pedestrian sex, but I just can't see the attraction in fucking on a bed in basement of a abandoned building. I wouldn't be able to concentrate. The entire time I'd just be wondering when was the last time these sheets were washed? Also how many other couples had done this very thing? And lastly why is there a huge comfy bed, nicely made, in the fucking basement?!! These kinds of questions may keep me from having more interesting sex, but at least I won't ever find myself getting eaten by a goddamn bed!

Anyway the guy behind the painting call the bed stupid. The bed then retaliates by destroying the mansion... I think. Honestly this really isn't that clear, but I think the mansion is gone leaving nothing but the basement. Why did this happen? I have no idea what so ever.

Title screen "Lunch".

Oh hell... I'm not even 1/3 of the way through this thing yet am I? Is it too late to just back out of this whole ill-conceived idea? Could I just tell you it's really really bad and be done? Please?

Sigh...

Next we see a car with three women in it. Diane, a black woman. Sharon, Diane's friend. And Susan, someone who just came along for the ride but now wants to go home. Honestly that's all the character development we ever get. Really.

While in the car we hear Susan thinking to herself that she doesn't really want to be here, and is trying to think of a way to get the others to take her home. This moment really illustrates another big problem that I have with this movie. The characters never really talk. They all just do these long inner monologues to tell the audience what the actors are supposed to be feeling. I'm not kidding. About 90% of the spoken words you will hear are all someone talking to themselves for your benefit. Note to the director, this is not good film making.

In order to save myself a little pain I'm going to skip ahead a little bit. The girls find the bed Susan says she's not feeling well and decides to lie down while the other two go for a walk. In some ways Susan should feel honored. For one she's almost out of this film. Secondly she gets by far the best death scene.

Before the bed kills her it gives her nightmares about eating bugs. (We know this because the guy behind the painting tells us so.) Then the bed strips off all her clothes. Lastly the bed seems to cut her throat with her necklace. Then finally the bed eats her. The most amazing thing is that Susan never wakes up. The girl never even stirs. I thought I was a heavy sleeper, but I've got nothing on this chick.

Around this time we learn two important facts. Sharon's brother is looking for her. (Why he's looking for her is never explained.) And for some reason the bed really doesn't like Sharon.

The guy behind the painting wonders why the bed doesn't like Sharon, and so we get a flashback to all the people the bed has eaten. Seems like a pretty large logical leap to me, but fuck it, let's see where you're going with this movie.

In the flashback we see the bed eat a priest, old lesbian, and a lame servant girl. Then we get and entirely to long bit about how some guy tries to market the bed as a sexual aid (WTF!!!) before he and his friends finally get eaten. Then some gangsters get eaten. Lastly the guy behind the painting gets eaten.

That's right! The guy behind the painting was dying, of something I really don't know, when he got on the bed. So the bed stuck him behind the painting. Why? Why the fuck not! At this point the movie could have aliens teleport down from the mothership and do a musical number to the tune Michael Jackson's Thriller as interpreted by Salvador Dali. Believe it or not that would seem rather reserved compared to the bed's origin story.

You have no idea just how hard this next paragraph is going to be for me to write.

Just give me a moment.

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I think I'm ready now. The bed's origin. Apparently a demon lives in a nearby tree, and decided to turn into a breeze. As a breeze the demon saw a girl it liked. So it made a bed to attract the girl and gave himself a human body to seduce the girl. Then, near as I can tell, the demon fucked the girl to death. This made the demon sad, and it cried tears of blood on the bed. Then the demon ran back to his tree. But the tears brought the bed to life! (And made it hungry?)

So what the hell did that have to do with anything? For once I actually have an answer. You see, the girl the demon boned to death and Sharon have the same color eyes and that makes the bed feel bad. I really not kidding. That's really the best the movie came up with.

"Dinner"

Thank Christ I'm almost done with this shit. In fact let's speed this process up a little more. Diane (The black chick. Remember her?) Gets eaten. Sharon tries to help, but fails. Sharon's brother shows up (Remember him?) and stabs the bed with a knife. This proves to be a really bad idea as the bed eats all the tissue off his hands leaving him with nothing but skeleton hands.

"The Just Dessert"

We're at the home stretch now. Of course this is also the moment where the film's most insane, nonsensical, and just down right painful moment happens. Try and stay with me here as this is going to be damn hard to explain.

Remember the demon that made the bed? Apparently he just fell asleep. Somehow this weakens the bed so the guy behind the painting can talk to Sharon. The guy tells Sharon to take her brother outside. Then she's supposed to make a giant figure eight with sticks. Then she needs to cut a giant figure eight around the bed. (Oddly the floor bleeds when cut.) Lastly she needs to build a little shrine out of her brother's hand bones, and her friend's hair.

So what does all this nonsense do? Three things actually. 1) It transports the bed outside. 2) Kills Sharon. 3) Resurrects the girl the demon fucked to death in the first place.

Why would you want to do this? Well you see the resurrected girl (totally nude by the way) finds Sharon's brother, and begins to make out with him in front of the bed. This causes the bed to explode.

Yes, you read that right. An undead naked girl kissing a guy with no hands made the bed blow up.

Just think about that for a while.

I've quite literally had conversations with schizophrenics that were easier to follow, and made far more sense.

And that's Death Bed in a nut shell. You've been warned.