My Obsession with Troll 2.

Troll 2 is not a good film. In fact I could go so far as to say that it is one of the more painful films I've ever forced upon myself. And yet despite that I've watched this movie over, and over, and over again. I'm not kidding when I say that I've probably seen this movie about 30 times now. The question is why? Why would I constantly keep re-watching a movie that I have verbally trashed time and time again? Well that's exactly what I'm hoping to explain tonight.

Warning. This will be long. This will be convoluted. This may or may not ever reach a truly satisfying end. This will not be as good as Inception, which also meets all of the above requirements. But, with a little luck this will explain my obsession.

Believe it or not this story starts long before the movie Troll 2 even came into existence. Hell we're going back before Troll 1 was even conceived. Do we have to do this? Probably not, but it's my story so I get to say where we go. And I say we look back to a time when I was a child.

A very serious child.

Very serious.

While I did have some sense of humor as a kid, it was a tightly guarded secret. I very rarely let it out. If anyone from back then thought that I didn't know how to laugh at all I really couldn't blame them.

Fun Fact: As those of you who know me currently already know I often plaster this horrible, toothy, fake smile on my face every now and then. That smile comes from this point in my life, because people kept telling me I should smile more. So I came up with that hideous Joker grin to shut them up. Oddly the smile stuck.

Editor: What the hell does you being a kid with a stick shoved firmly up his ass have to do with Troll 2?

Wait. You're back?

Editor: Back? I never left. I've been waiting here for you. But do you ever show? Do you ever write? No. So I've just been here waiting.

Wow... I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Editor: Don't be! It's been the best time of my life! Days, weeks, months have gone by without me having to listen to your incessant bitching! It's been bliss. Plus I've had time to catch up on my crocheting.

That is a nice sweater.

Editor: Thank you. But now you're back and my purgatory has begun once more. So let's get this over with so you can go away again.

(Vaguely uncomfortable.) Yeah, you're right. Um...

Editor: (Annoyed) What is it?

What was it I was talking about again?

Editor: Oh for fucks sake!!! You were talking about being a little shit who was attempting to turn coal to diamond using only his ass!

That's a little rough don't you think?

Editor: Just get on with it!!!

Okay. Fine.

The point that I was trying to make before I was interrupted was this. I was very serious, and often had a hard time understanding why people found many things fun. I often looked at peoples' reactions and found them to be incredibly immature, or terrifying. One example of this was horror films.

For the life of me I just couldn't understand why people enjoyed horror films at all. More often than not all I could see were overly graphic depictions of truly disgusting events. Lovers were impaled, heads and hearts were removed, tendons cut, and many more truly disgusting events paraded on the screen for the viewer to enjoy and cheer for. To my youthful, and overly pragmatic, mind the only conclusion was that everyone who enjoyed horror was a sadist. To a point that early conclusion still holds true. But you know who else enjoys horror movies?

People with a sense of humor.

This may seem like a rather large jump but try to follow me here. People go to horror movies. They sit in the chair, and watch the parade of horrors. Their palms sweat. Their muscles tense. Their breathing becomes erratic. And then...

They laugh.

Watch a group when they leave the theaters. Faces full of smiles. Oddly jovial recollections of scenes of gruesome violence. The horrors vividly remembered and laughed at hardily.

The ancient Greeks called this catharsis. A feeling of relief that what you just witnessed did not, in fact, happen to you. (I now feel my college degree was totally justified.)

I however did not laugh. It took me a long time to learn to truly laugh. And so I silently judged those who did.

Then something happened. People I knew, trusted, and respected began enjoying this genre. This flew in the face of everything I had assumed. These people were not sadists. They were not sociopaths. They were friends. And they knew something I did not.

Of these friends, one deserves special mention. Jerry. Or as those of us who have known him for a while like to refer to him, "The Corrupter." A dubious title to be sure, but apt in many ways. Jerry was really the first one to open my eyes to many of the things that judged from a distance, and horror movies were one of those things. Hanging out with him it became clear that it was okay to laugh, ever if there was no punchline. That sometimes the truly horrific could be truly funny if you would simply let it be. While I often refer to him as The Corrupter in order to yank his chain, if you will, the truth is it's a title given with a smile. I needed to be corrupted.

That's not to say that it happened over night.

Which brings me to Troll 2.

Editor: 'bout fucking time!

Shut up.

Troll 2 came into my life during a period of transition. I had begun trying to watch horror films, but not yet learned to laugh at them. I was also still young. In high school, but still the early years if I remember correctly. Troll 2 seemed perfect to cut my teeth on. You see HBO had recently started playing the film, and the film was rated PG-13. In case you've never had HBO let me translate. HBO played this movie to death. Nearly everyday, about three or four in the afternoon Troll 2 was on.

It seemed perfect.

Typical horror themes, (i.e. innocent family, horny teens, monsters out to kill them) easy to digest rating, and during daylight hours. That daylight thing was really important because when you don't know you can laugh, and take the film way too seriously, things seems way more frightening than they actually should. Light helps with this. But then something happened that I was ill prepared for. Troll 2 sucked. Bad.

If you've ever watched a horror film then you kind of expect this. Stupid and horror go together like PB and J. For every scene of violence in a horror film there are usually at least three others of people being complete and total fuckwits. While there are exceptions, in many ways this is the unspoken horror code. This also explains why you need a sense of humor to enjoy these films. Half the time these unbelievable moments of dumb are the best part. But as I stated earlier, I had not yet learned to laugh.

Had circumstances been different I might have never watched the film again. Content to call it crap and move on with my life. However HBO had other plans. As I mentioned earlier they kept playing this movie over and over again. In these days I simply couldn't understand why this movie would get so much play. Perhaps the men in charge at HBO simply knew something that I did not. So I gave the film another chance. And another.

And another.

After a while it had become some sort of bizarre tradition for me to turn Troll 2 on every time it played. Every time. And I never laughed.

Blissfully HBO stopped playing it (and I quit watching broadcast tv altogether) and life returned to normal. Troll 2 was a distant memory.

In the time since I have learned to laugh. These days I can laugh at almost anything given the right context. And I love to laugh at bad horror films. Yet to this day I've never laughed at Troll 2. In all honesty I'm not sure that I can. As strange as it sounds those scars run deep.

Which brings me to this little documentary called "Best Worst Movie". When I first heard of this all I wanted was for the makers of this movie to apologize. I wanted them to say, "I'm sorry" to me personally. While I never knew I wanted it I needed closure. Then I watched the trailer. What was contained within shocked me. There were no mobs wielding torches and pitchforks. No screams of righteous indignation. What were there?

Smiles.

Laughter.

Entertainment, pure and simple.

These were people that loved the movie. Not in spite of it's faults, but because of them. It made me wonder. I've watched Troll 2 repeatedly, but I don't know that I've ever truly seen it in the right light. I do not expect the film to ever be good. It will never be one of my favorites. But maybe this is the catharsis that I need.

Maybe I just need to laugh.