You probably don't want to read this.

Seriously. The title is not lying. What will follow will simply be me bitching, whining, and moaning about the current status of my life. This will be the typical self indulgent navel gazing that people normally associate with the blogs and diaries of pre-teen girls.

Wait, if you don't want anyone to read this then why are you posting it online?

Glad you asked. This is once again one of those moments where I think differently than the vast majority of humanity. You see, I've never understood the concept of simply writing for your self. To me the concept of keeping a secret diary is akin to storing a used masturbation tissue in a box so that you can routinely pull said box out from time to time and gaze longingly on days gone by. Really the whole concept seems pretty gross and pointless to me.

No, to me the entire point of putting your thoughts down in verse suggests that you intend for someone else at some point to rummage through your ideas. Whether or not you want to read these ideas is entirely up to you. But I'm warning you here and now that you probably don't really want to read this.

So without further ado let's take a long hard look at the sopping moist tissue that is the product of my mental masturbation.

What it all boils down to is this. I'm not happy. It's not that anything is wrong. Hell, if you put my life down on paper it sounds as if everything's going just fine. No, there's very little that's actively wrong, the problem is that there is very little that is actually right.

Allow me to explain. Currently I reside in southern California, approximately half way between LA and San Diego. I work in the very next town over. Part of the problem is this, there is nothing to do where I live. This isn't exactly a new problem. If you've know me for any length of time then you've probably heard this particular line of whining before. However this time there is a slight wrinkle in this persistent problem. This time I don't have a car.

The lack of a car is huge. Where before I was stuck in places I was less than happy with, at least with a car I could leave to visit home or a friend when I was desperate for something outside of my self imposed pattern. Without this mode of transportation I often feel trapped. Locked in this area without means of escape.

Of course none of this is actually true. You see, my roommate is one of the nicest human beings I've ever met. Chances are that if I were to ask to wake up one morning and drive me to LA to go see a movie, he would probably do it. However even this concept comes with a pitfall. You see when I go out to do damn near anything I like being self sufficient. Also I often like to be on my own.

Believe it or not, I love people. I love my friends and family. Hell I even love watching strangers go about there daily lives. That being said I am extremely protective of my "me" time. I often choose to do things with little or no planning. I try to let my impulses take me wherever they will. This is a concept that is very hard to pull off with most people.

Well then, why don't you just get a car?

That does seem to be the question doesn't it? The reason is stupid simple. I don't want one. Why? Well that's a little more complicated. The easy answer is that if I had one I would use it. And I would use it for everything. No longer would I walk to the store, to the gym, or wherever. Hell, chances are that I would stop walking all together. It is amazingly easy for me to become a slave to convenience, and I don't want to give myself the opportunity. Seems silly I know, but at the moment I'm not willing to budge on this particular issue. Maybe one day, but not now.

Also this is not the only problem that I'm having at the moment.

Secondly, I'm tired of my job. Once again I need to interject a point here. I do not have a bad job. Hell, my job is actually quite good. I'm working in the field that I love, and many days doing exactly what I'd like to be doing to make a living. The problem is in the details. (Note: The following will be difficult to describe, because I really don't want to say too much about my place of employment, yet still will try to convey my current issues. If this section comes across as incredibly vague I'm sorry.) The main problem stems from my focus when it comes to work. You see I've spent a decent amount of time and money to focus myself in a particular direction in my chosen profession. However at my job there is rarely need for my style of work. As such I often find myself doing things that do not interest or fulfill me at all. The work that I often find myself doing usually makes me feel brain-dead to perform it. Anymore when I do most of my work my mind is off in the either, with little awareness or care as to what my body is doing. For the record this makes me HATE myself.

Wait. What?

Allow me to elaborate. I love what I do for a living. Not like, love. I adore this work and what it can do for people. And when I find myself feeling apathetic to this work that I love, it hurts. Even worse is that I know what I'm doing, and yet I won't stop it. Not can't. Won't. This choice, this conscience choice, is what makes me hate myself. It makes me feel dirty, and it makes me feel like a liar and a cheat. And all because I often find myself put into a position that I simply don't believe in.

Once again I'm sorry for how vague all of that was, but it's really the best that I can say it at the moment.

This last bit is going to be at the same time the easiest, and the hardest part to write. Easy bit first. I'm lonely. This is hardly a new problem for me. I don't relate well to most people. There is a very good reason that most of my best friends I've known since grade school.

Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of people that I am friendly with. Lot's of really awesome people. Yet, there are few that I can honestly say that I truly connect with. And the people that I could see dating? At the moment I don't think there are any.

The dating thing shouldn't be such a big deal to me at this point. Even under the best of situations I almost never date. I think this is because a bizarre combination of being incredibly picky, and completely unaware when it comes to the opposite sex. What I mean by this is that I have no idea that a girl is interested in me unless she flat out says, "I'm interested in you." The problem here is twofold. I won't ask out a girl unless I think she's interested, but I don't know if she's interested unless she is ridiculously blunt about it. Sadly most girls aren't interested in a guy that can't make the first move. This is something that I have no idea how to change.

So, yeah, dating shouldn't be that big of a deal. Yet somehow it still is. And at the moment I don't see any chance of that changing.

Well, if you don't like where you live, are unfulfilled at your job, and are unattached why don't you move and try again somewhere else?

That's actually the same conclusion that I've come to.

So what's the hold up?

I'm afraid.

What the hell are you afraid of?

I'm not sure. Every time I think of looking for a new place to live/work I start to panic. Suddenly my fight or flight reflex kicks in and all I want to do is think of something, anything, else.

Why?

I think I'm afraid that things will get worse somewhere else.

Hold on. You just spent, God only knows how much space, bitching about how everything sucks, and your excuse for not doing anything about it is that it might be worse?!!!

Yeah.

Pussy.

I really don't think that's fair. Any number of things could go wrong. I could hurt myself, I could not be able to make enough to survive, I could completely lose any sense of security that I've built up over the last year, I could...

Could, could, fucking COULD!!! That's all you're saying! This could happen! That could happen! Hell, a piece of meteorite could fall from the heavens smash though your ceiling and kill you right now! But it probably won't. The truth is you have no idea what will happen. You can never know what will happen. That's life. That's part of what makes it so exciting. That's part of what makes it worth living. The not knowing, the adventure. Life will take many turns. Not all of them will be good. But many of them will be fantastic! Just stop for a moment and think. Nearly everyone of you're happiest moments came from you doing something that you were terribly afraid of.

Like what?

Well let's see. There was the time you when to China. Getting specialized training, after you finished college. And then getting even more training after that. Rock climbing. Trail biking. Swimming. Every time you've ever moved. Not to mention every girl you've ever been with. Face it, everything that you've done in your life that you are particularly proud of has come directly from you stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something that you were afraid of. Have all you're choices been good? Hell no! But many of them have been glorious. If you have to think about what could be then think about just how wonderful it could be.

You might be right.

Look. I know you won't listen to me. You're stubborn like that. So let's leave you with someone you will listen to.



Think about it.