Ninjas vs. Naked Women

Now after that title you maybe thinking that this is going to be a blog about which would win in a fight, ninjas or naked women. You would be wrong. Really I don't think that would be much of a battle. The ninja would win.

Please don't think that I've dismissed the naked woman's battle potential. Any man alive is well aware of the dangers of weaponized vagina. It is a powerful tool, that has been the downfall to countless men. That said I still believe it wouldn't be enough to defeat a trained assassin wielding a razor sharp katana. So, no this isn't a question of who would win in a fight. Rather it's a question of philosophy.

Confused yet? Allow me to explain. For the past 10 years or so I've lived by the philosophy that "Everything goes better with naked women." I've always liked this statement. It sounds good. Many people can agree with it. And I think it really says a lot about me as a person. (i.e. Someone who gets laid slightly less than a leper whose dick has recently rotted off.)

However upon closer scrutiny, the truth is, this concept just doesn't hold up. There are some situations that try as they might naked women just can't improve. And in these times really the only logical course of action is to substitute the naked women with ninjas.

The real question is when are ninjas better than naked women? And when is well proportioned mounds of jiggly woman flesh more appropriate?

These are the questions I hope to answer.

In an effort to be as scientific as I possibly can be, (and by "scientific" I mean nothing even close to science) I will be presenting various situations and the pros and cons of naked women versus ninjas.

Politics

Naked Women: For a moment let's remember back to the last Presidential race. Boring right? Let's face it, everyone knew who they were going to vote for before the debates. So really the question is "How couldn't the last presidential race have been improved by Naked women?" I certainly would have paid more attention. Granted I wouldn't have absorbed many of their policies, but I would watched a hell of a lot more.

Ninjas: On the flip side let's imagine if one of the candidates had been a ninja. During the debate the ninja would step up to the podium, clear his throat, and throw a smoke bomb to mask his get away. The crowd would be shocked. Everyone would be confused. Just where did candidate ninja go? It would be about ten minutes before anyone noticed that the other candidate's throat had been slit, and he was bleeding out behind the podium.

While I give the ninja points for simplifying the tedious process of voting, I'm a little concerned with this particular policy. You can't just kill all you're opposition. People have tried it before, and it never works in the long run. Naked women however just might make the whole process slightly more bearable.

Naked Women: 1
Ninjas: 0

Food Service

Naked Women: This is one of those scenarios where naked women seem destined to fail. There are two main reasons for this. First when I'm in a restaurant I'm thinking about food. Period. Everything else comes in second. The second problem is since I'm just thinking about food, if a naked person is involved, I'm suddenly thinking about all the hygiene problems inherent in such a scenario.

Ninjas: That being said, ninjas are trained killers. I'd have to imagine that anything a ninja served me was either poisoned or being used as a distraction to keep me from noticing a blade being slipped between my ribs.

Really my self preservation should make me choose the boobs, but in my stereotype infused mind I have to imagine that the ninja would make some AWESOME sushi. And I like sushi.

Naked Women: 1
Ninjas: 1

Standing in Line at the DMV

Naked Women: Uggh... The DMV. I personally believe this to be a long running psychological study to see how people react to boredom while standing in line. Well let me tell you, if you add naked women to the process, that line would get a lot more interesting.

Ninjas: Little known fact; Ninjas hate standing in line. Also ninjas are very proactive. So when presented with a line ninjas will move to the front as quickly as possible. Which means the ninja is going to cut in line. Which really means the ninja is going to cut in front of you. Just how much would that suck. You get to the front of the line then, bam, a cloud of smoke, and the next thing you know a ninja is standing in line in front of you. And if you value your life you can't say shit. I think its safe to say that ninjas would make the line worse.

Naked Women: 2
Ninjas: 1

School

Naked Women: We've all seen Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" video which I think really sums up the positives of this scenario. (Minus the men in spandex of course.) However I think it's important to remember that school takes place during a time of development (sexual and otherwise) for students. Being assaulted by random sexiness could be very confusing to a student. Also having to go up to the blackboard with a boner always sucks.

Ninjas: I'm not going to lie. I would listen to everything a ninja ever taught me. I don't care if it's algebra. I just know somewhere in my heart that one day that info world be useful to help me kill my enemies and disappear into the night.

Naked Women: 2
Ninjas: 2

Sex

Naked Women: If you don't know what naked women have to offer to sex then I highly suggest you do a google search for "porn" with all the filters turned off. Go ahead. I'll wait.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Done? Congratulations you are now the proud owner of 37 new computer viruses. Also unless all the sites you went to rather heavily featured the word "gay" you have an all too clear idea of what naked women have to offer to sex.

Ninjas: This one's a little more difficult. It's entirely possible that ninjas know secret pressure points that would make sex even better. (Ninjitsu aphrodisiac?) Also things like this help the argument.





















However here that paranoia about getting killed would rear its ugly head again. I just don't think I'd be able to enjoy myself while constantly worrying which direction the attack is going to come from. Also if I've learned nothing else from adult Japanese cartoons, it's this. Sex-ninjas can only get off when molested by demons with 12+ tentacle penises.

I can't meet those kinds of expectations. So I'm going to have to give this one to the ladies.

Naked Women: 3
Ninjas: 2

So as we can see the Ladies are ahead, but not by much, and this list is nowhere near complete.

So what do you think? Is there anything I've left out or didn't consider? Should the ninjas have won?

Let me know.

In the meantime I'm going to look for pics of Naked Ninja Women, because they make everything better.

Swimming

So as some of you may know I've been sick for the past couple of days. While this really hasn't affected my unemployed lifestyle all that much, it has hindered one activity that I've been enjoying recently; swimming.

For many of you this will seem like an odd choice of activity for me. You'd be right. "So why did you start?" is probably the question you're asking right now. (Actually the question you're probably asking is, "Is he still talking?" But it's my blog and I'll put words in your mouth if I want to. So, nah!)

Well consider this my origin story.

It all started about 15 years ago when my class took a field trip to a science lab and I was bit by a radioactive spider.

Editor: Oh for fuck's sake!

What?

Editor: That's Spider-Man's origin story.

It's not my fault Stan Lee used my story to create his iconic character.

Editor: You were born in, what? 1977?

Yeah...

Editor: Spider-Man was created in 1962 you dumb ass!

Okay the truth is I really don't know my origin. You see I was found wandering in the Canadian wilderness with no memories of my past. My only clue were metal claws that would

Editor: Wolverine.

Look, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Editor: The Hulk. What's next? Super soldier serum? Millionaire parents killed in front of you? Maybe you're a alien from a doomed planet who likes to uphold American values and wear tights.

Uhh...

Editor: I'm really not looking for a fight today. Just give us the truth.

I... got fat.

Editor: What was that? I couldn't quite hear you.

I got fat.

Editor: BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! You see!!! You should have used the Blob's origin story you tubby bitch!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Panic in his voice) Wait! What are you doing?!!! (Wild animal screams followed by wild human screams followed by a sudden disturbing silence.)

All done?

Editor: (Meekly) Where... did... you... get... a... badger?... (Passes out from rectal (?) blood loss.)

You never know when those things are going to come in handy.

Alright so the truth is out. I got fat. Months of inactivity and alcohol abuse took their toll. Also it should be noted that I have finally reached that fun age where me and my metabolism are no longer friends. In fact we are now mortal enemies. (Fun fact: My metabolism and I were supposed to finally settle our differences in the steel cage at UFC 100, but somehow the marketing people though Lesner was a bigger draw. No accounting for taste.) I've been aware of the problem for a while, but I'd gotten pretty good at ignoring it. At least until my Structural Intergration class. As many of you may know I'm studying a form of very deep tissue massage that attempts to effect the very structure of the human body. What you may not know is that after every other session we take a picture of ourselves, in bascially nothing but our underwear, so we can see what has changed after the session. This is never going to be a flattering photo, but I was ill prepared for what I saw.

I looked like a, slighty retarted, far less threating version of the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man. With an Autobots symbol. And hair.

Needless to say this was only a slighty better wake up call than, say, waking up and finding Rush Limbaugh trying to stuff his dick in your mouth. (The plus side to the Limbaugh situation is that you could be perfectly justified in beating the ever loving shit out of the man. And let's face it we've all wanted to do it, but don't want to get caught.) Something NEEDED to happen.

My teacher suggested swimming.

Now there a few problems that I have with this concept.

First I haven't swam in years, and when I did I sucked. Bad. Seriously I think people were worried I was having a seizure in the pool. I'm amazed no one jumped in to "rescue" me. So yeah I suck. But because of my size I have to go to some kind of lap pool, because in a normal pool one push off the side and I'm on the other side. No exercise occuring there. Really my only opition is to go to the big kid's pool and swim there. So what's the problem? You know who swims at lap pools? Do you?

People who can swim, that's who. So you're surrounded by people who KNOW how much you suck. Because, you know, they don't. Now I know what you're thinking. "People out there to swim aren't paying attention to you." While you do have a point you're forgeting something. Lifeguards. That's right, these people are payed to sit and watch you suck.

Hell, even the KIDS are good swimmers. Nothing is more frustrating that trying to do a physical activity and being schooled by a 9 year old.

You know, I think the next sport I pick up will be boxing. Think about it. I don't care how good some little nine year old phenom is. Chances are the little bastard won't even be able to hit me above the belt without jumping, and hitting me below the belt is against the rules. I like my odds. You put him in the ring with me and I WILL knock him the fuck out!

By the way, did I mention I'm available for childrens' birthday parties?

So yeah I suck. But really that's not the problem. The problem was my previously mentioned marshmellow appearence. Honestly the weight wasn't as big of a deal as I expected. You see, there's an almost equal ratio of overweight to perfectly fit people at the pool. It's strange because you really don't think of these groups as interacting together. It's almost like footage of different animals drinking at the same watering hole on the Discovery Channel. Of course that footage almost always ends with one of the stronger sleeker animals killing and eating one of the more docile ones.

My advise when going to the pool is this. Find someone slower than you. Stick close to them. If the shit goes down push the slower person in the way. Hopefully this will give you time to escape.

This advice can also be used in case of a zombie outbreak.

(Why do I assume so many things will end in cannibalism?)

No the real problem was my skin tone. Or to be more specific my total lack skin tone. Honestly I look like an albino covered in SPF 1000 sunscreen and white paint. Don't believe me? Totally true story. One of the first times I went out to the pool a fucking moth landed on me. Think about that for a minute. Middle of a cloudless, sunny, day next to a white building, and yet appearently this moth thought I was the brightest fucking thing around. I should really consider renting myself out as a light source.

But something odd happened. I tanned. I have never tanned. The other day I put on a white shirt, and I was darker than the shirt. It's sad how hard this was for me to comprehend. I just kept looking at myself in the mirror, with a look of utter confusion on my face.

Appearently I have the comprehension level of a hampster.

Still eventually I got over all this shit and got my ass to the pool. And you know what? I feel really good. I don't know if I've lost any flab, but I feel far better about myself. And really I think that's the most important thing.

Editor: (coming to) All that shit, and you wind it all up with a couple of sugary lines that could have been lifted from a PSA?

Well... Knowing is half the battle.

Editor: ugh...

Where did I put that badger?

Rereading that last post

So I just reread a little of that last post before I re-posted it. I've got to say I actually think my concept for a Transformers sequel was a FAR better plot than what Bay actually came up with for "Revenge of the Fallen".

And my plot involved a serial killer getting turned into a giant robot.

Sadly, I'm not kidding.

Friday the 13th Part 3: The Final Chapter

(Originally posted Saturday, February 14, 2009)

By now it should be pretty apparent that I'm going to tell you every damn thing that happened in the movie. So if you keep reading, don't come crying to me saying that you felt that I ruined the movie for you. You've been warned. Repeatedly. Take some responsibility.

Now, on with the review.

Oh, something that I forgot to mention at the end of the last chapter. That second opening sequence was basically the remake of Friday the 13th Part 2. So following that logic, the rest of the film is a remake of Part 3. Sort of.

Once again we fade in on a bunch of "kids" driving a shiny new SUV in a rather rural looking area. This time we have text reading, "6 weeks later." The kids stop to get some gas and water from a country store, which gives the filmmakers a chance to introduce this new batch of murder set pieces.

Just as before labeling them by their appropriate stereotype is much easier than trying to remember any name. So as the car opens, and the future kill count spills out revealing: 2 white assholes, 2 blond twits, 1 stoned Asian guy, 1 black guy who knows he's a stereotype, and (you guessed it) 1 nice brunette with small boobs. Yeah, I'm putting my money on the brunette to pull through.

AH1 (asshole #1) and brunette go inside the store where we meet *gasp* another ridiculously well sculpted young man talking with the cashier. We'll call him Bro, because as luck would have it, it turns out this young man is Guilty Girl's sister. Turns out Bro is looking for Sis (Guilty Girl's new name for the purpose of the review) who went missing about 6 weeks ago. This prompts AH1 to tell Bro to get out of the way, because he wants to buy his bottled water, and of course Brunette has to apologize for him being a dick.

Everybody leaves the store, with Bro going his separate way via motorcycle. (Because he's a rebel.) After about a block Bro is pulled over by a cop who tells Bro to just go home. Apparently the police have already done their investigation and didn't find Sis or her friends.

At this point I'd make some snide comment about how the crack police force looked really, REALLY, hard (honest) for 6 whole weeks, and didn't find anything. So obviously she couldn't be anywhere around here. (Apparently they even conducted interviews.) But given some of the shit that happens in the movie it just isn't worth it.

Moving on.

So it seems AH1's family is rich, and has a lake house on (you know what's coming don't you) Crystal Lake. Also it seems that AH1 HATES all of his friends except for Brunette.

Back to Bro who's handing out fliers of Sis to the locals by going door to door. The first house he stops at belongs to a creepy old woman who says; Sis is dead, outsiders don't know where to walk, the locals want to be left alone, and "he" wants to be left alone. She then shuts the door and walks away.

Pop Quiz time again. Obviously this old bitch knows what's going on. If you were in this situation would you...

A) Continue to quiz the woman until she tells you exactly what she knows about what happened to your only sister.

B) Get the police and make them interview her. (Because they clearly missed her testimony during their thorough investigation.)

C) Maybe go to the library and see if maybe there is some sort of public record about the woman and missing people. (For those of you who like to think outside the box.)

D) Just leave, and never again question what this woman just told you.

You guessed it he just leaves, and goes to interview some dickhead with a wood chipper. (This dickhead shall be known as "Dickhead" for the rest of the review.) Turns out Dickhead hasn't seen Sis either, but he does have some weed to sell. Apparently he has also found this abandoned pot field.

This raises an interesting question for me. Who's growing this shit? Is Jason growing it? Maybe that's why he keeps killing people. It's not some twisted sense of justice for his mother. He just wants to keep these kids from stealing his shit. Sadly that actually makes a lot more sense to me, but unfortunately the filmmakers never explore this option.

Instead Bro declines Dickhead's offer. Back at the Lake house AH2 (Asshole #2) and BT1 (Blond Twit #1) borrow AH1's SUV to check out the other side of the lake.

We return to Dickhead who is starting to light up a joint and masturbate, when he hears a noise upstairs. So Dickhead goes upstairs, makes some lewd gestures toward a mannequin, and gets killed by Jason.

Jason Kill Count: 5

"So what, exactly, was the point of that?" you may ask. Well, you see, up until this point Jason has been wearing a burlap sack over his head. While killing Dickhead, Jason's sack came off. But luckily for Jason there just happens to be a old hockey mask that fits him, just right. Now that the icon is complete we go back to our kids acting like dumb fucks.

So Bro, still passing out fliers, shows up at AH1's house. AH1 tells him to get the fuck out. Brunette decides to go with Bro into the woods together. Why she does this is anybody's guess. I gave up trying to figure out how women think a LONG time ago.

On the other side of the lake AH2 and BT1 decide to go water skiing. Topless. Of course Jason kills them both.

Jason Kill Count: 7

While the kids at the lake house play drinking games, Bro and Brunette find themselves at the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake.

?

?!

?!!!

I'm sorry, but WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO PASS OUT FLIERS, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ARE YOU WANDERING IN THE WOODS AT NIGHT, TO A CAMP SITE THAT WAS ABANDONED OVER 20 FUCKING YEARS AGO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, does that leap in logic make sense to anybody? I'm going to make a wild leap here, but wouldn't it make more sense to go somewhere with, oh I don't know, people? Am I wrong here?

*sigh*

Well, guess what happens when you go to Camp Crystal Lake? That's right Jason shows up lugging a dead body. Luckily Bro and Brunette had the forethought to hide, and even more amazing once he's gone they decide to run. (Actual survival instinct in a slasher film? What is this world coming to?)

So we see Jason drag his kill into some kind of makeshift cellar. Seems Jason is a bit of a pack rat. He's got all kinds of shit down here including a chained up, but still breathing Sis. Yeahbutwhat?!!!

It seems that Sis looks a lot like Jason's mother, and so Jason wants to keep her. How do we know this? Well you see Jason has his mother's locket. Inside the locket is a portrait of Jason mom. And when you see the portrait you can see that Sis looks NOTHING AT ALL like Jason's mom.

Back to the lake house. SA (Stoned Asian) breaks a chair, and goes down to the tool shed to get a screwdriver to fix it. BG (Black Guy) continues to get stoned. AH1 and BT2 go off to have sex.

So SA gets to the shed breaks more shit, and Jason shows up and stabs him with a screwdriver. The really impressive thing here is how Jason keeps sneaking up on people. Think about it. The dude's, like, 7 feet tall, in a hockey mask, wearing heavy fucking work boots, and near as I can tell hasn't taken a bath since Crazy Bitch died 20 years ago. How the hell could that combination seek up on anyone. I guess he's just that good.

Jason Kill Count: 8

Remember during Part 2 when I said the sex scene was really, really, bad? Well the sex between AH1 and BT2 is way worse. These two have no chemistry. None. Hell, I'd go so far as to say they have negative chemistry. And while they may not be repelling each other, they sure as hell are repelling me. I think the biggest problem is that for some reason the director thought they should talk. So AH1 proceeds to talk about her tits, and her nipple placement. (I'm so not making this up.) Even worse is that after delivers these lines with all the confidence of that kid on the short bus who flings his poo at the chalk board. She actually seems charmed (?!!!) by these tender comments. (As a side note if I ever meet a girl who tells me that this is what she's looking for in a guy I'm giving up on pussy for good. Because I will NEVER be able to match that expectation.)

While they have sex Bro and Brunette come back, and call the cops. Really? No shit? Maybe I was too hard on these kids. Then the phone and power go dead. BG runs out to the tool shed to get SA.

...

I take back anything nice I said about these kids.

BG finds SA dead. Finds Jason alive. Tries to fight. Gives up. Runs... And gets a axe in the back. But he's not dead... Until Jason shoves the Axe through his chest.

Jason Kill Count: 9

Also somehow Jason gets inside and kills BT2. (We'll miss her tits and well placed nipples.)

Jason Kill Count: 10

Then the cop shows up. Jason kills him too.

Jason Kill Count: 11

Bro, AH1, and Brunette decide to run. Bro and Brunette go one way AH1 goes another. Running blindly through the woods AH1 busts out into the middle of an unmarked road where he almost gets hit by a tow truck. A hand from the driver's window beckons him closer. AH1 is cautious. Could that be Jason in the truck. Stupid Asshole, that's Jason behind you stabbing you with a machete and impaling you on the back of the tow truck as it speeds off.

Jason Kill Count: 12

As we bid adieu to Asshole #1 I'd like to share a thought I had earlier. The thing is we've seen AH1 before in another movie. You'd probably remember him playing Megan Fox's asshole (ex)boyfriend in the live action Transformers movie. In fact he seems to be playing the exact same character. Hell, I think he's even driving the same stupid SUV. Also both movie take place in the Michael Bayverse. So I'm thinking AH1 could be our gateway to seeing an incredible spectacle of stupid that would be called... Transformers vs. Jason.

You don't look convinced. Yes I know the concept is stupid. That's just it! It's SO stupid that it's flipped the gauges and become awesome. This is how I see the plot going.

Megan Fox learns of the death of her ex, and even though he was a dick she still feels kind of bad. She gets Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots to check out Crystal Lake where they find a crazed mutant named Jason going murderific on some teenagers who won't get off his fucking lawn. Well the Autobots stop and capture Jason, cause they don't kill humans. But little did they know what remains of the Decepticons are watching. Realizing Jason's potential for destruction, they free him, and use a small shard of the All-Spark (they just happened to find it you see) to change Jason into Ultravorhees. A mindless killing machine on par with anything the Autobots have to throw at him. I'm also thinking he should transform into a GIANT FUCKING ZAMBONI!!!!!

*crickets chirping*

You know a Zamboni... Cause he wears a hockey mask... Going with the whole hockey theme...

*yet more crickets*

Well I think it'd be awesome.

Fine. Back to the movie. So Bro and Brunette run to Jason's house. (These must be the smallest woods ever. I've been in playgrounds with more set pieces.) There they find Sis in the basement. They free her, but Jason shows up, so all three run off down a tunnel. Finally they find an exit. Bro goes through. Sis goes through. Brunette gets stabbed through the heart.

Jason Kill Count: 13

Actually this really surprised me. She didn't do drugs. She didn't have sex. I don't even think she ever cussed. She was just hot and friendly. Usually in horror movies being hot and friendly is how you survive. Though I have to admit with the return of Sis, Brunette really did become rather superfluous. Really do we really need two hot survivors?

The exit actually seems to come up next to Dickhead's wood chipper. Thanks to a heavy use of set pieces, and Jason thinking Sis is his mom, (I still don't see it) Bro and Sis are able to get a chain around Jason's neck, over a rafter, and into the wood chipper which acts like a wench hanging Jason. But of course Jason's too heavy and the rafter breaks. Now Jason's being pulled to the wood chipper. But he's too strong and is able to keep his head out of the chipper. Well, until Sis stabs him in the chest with his own machete. But even then only the very top of his tumorific head makes it to the chipper blades. Still he seems to be dead, so Bro and Sis drop his body in the lake.

If you've ever even heard of a horror movie before you know what's going to happen.

Undead Jason jumps out of the water for one last scare. And we go to the credits.

One last gripe and were done. But, why wouldn't you, oh I don't know, hack up the remains of his body and feed every inch of him into the wood chipper? Seriously if some giant mutant shows up, kills all of my friends, and I'm somehow able to take him down, you better believe I'm going to go all kinds of Fargo on his ass.

So that's it. That was the Friday the 13th remake. Was it worth all this effort? Probably not. But that's not the real question. The real question is was the movie worth your time? All I can say is, that depends. As I stated in the very beginning I love horror films. Despite all my (obvious) problems with the film I have to admit I was entertained.

Either you like these movies or you don't.

I for one, can't wait for Transformers vs. Jason.

Night all.

Friday the 13th Part 2

(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)

So remember how last time I said that I was going to try and avoid spoiling anything major in the movie? Yeah, well, I'd say it's safe to say that my last blog blew that theory right the hell out of the water. So let's just assume that I'm going to ruin the fuck out of this film, so if you're planning to see it you might want to do so before you read any further.

Now on to the second part of my review the Friday the 13th remake.

Last we left, crazy bitch was dead, and lil' Jason (sounds like a really shitty comic strip) has the machete that killed her. At this point I should mention that there is a voice-over of Crazy Bitch saying that Jason would have to kill for her from now on.

Way to fuck up a kid from beyond the grave lady. How the mother of the year awards overlooked you is anybody's guess.

Next we cut to a group of 5 barely (yeah right) legal kids backpacking in the woods. Also there is some text stating that it is 20 years later. Of these 5 "kids" there are two couples, and one nerd. (Note: It is impossible for me to remember all of these "character's" names, as such I will be referring to them as the stereotypes that they are meant to represent.) When it comes to the two couples you have the oversexed white couple, and on the other hand you have the ethnically neutral guy (so called because I don't know what he is) and the guilty looking white girl.

Anyway they're all following the nerd, because he's the only one who can read the GPS that they have. Trouble is that he doesn't seem to be very good at reading it. It seems these kids are looking for some huge field of pot that they intend to steal and resell thus making themselves rich.

Now maybe I'm just horribly naive to the way the whole drug game plays out, but I would think that if I had a field of pot in the middle of nowhere, I'd have someone guarding it. You know. Just in case some fuckhead extras from a slasher movie decided to come and try and steal my shit. But that's me. Maybe I'm just hypothetically paranoid.

Anyway, the nerd thinks they're close, so they decide to set up camp for the night. At this point I should mention that the nerd simply can't stop running his goddamn mouth about factoids, while relevant to the current situation, nobody cares about. Until they start roasting marshmallows around the campfire that is.

You see due to some extraordinarily bad luck it turns out they've set up camp right next to the remains of Camp Crystal Lake. For whatever the nerd knows the story of Jason drowning, Crazy Bitch turning into a crazy bitch and killing everyone, and how Jason came back and the police tried to catch him... HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!!! CAME BACK?!! How the fuck did he come back?!!! Did he fucking die or not?!! And if he did die how the hell did he come back? Sadly the movie never tells you, because this is where the nerd's story, and subsequently all of the back story for this movie, ends.

Me? I'm blaming the Umbrella Corporation.

At this point guilty girl and ENG (Ethnically Neutral Guy) decide to take a walk. Nerd hangs out for a bit, but then also leaves when oversexed couple want to have sex.

Guilty girl tells ENG that she wants to leave early because she feels bad for leaving her mom. ENG says something comforting about puking (not making this up) until they come across a horribly run down house.

Pop quiz time again!!! You come across a run down house in the middle of the woods. Do you...

A) realize that it's the middle of the night, and think that maybe this isn't the best time to commit a B&E.

B) knock on the door to see if anyone is home.

C) have unprotected sex while smoking pot on the front porch.

D) make like Scrappy fucking Doo and bust right in looking for a mystery.

I had my money on "C", but once again they proved me wrong, and went with "D" again. Inside the house is very run down, but honestly rather well stocked. It's almost like a woman who had lived here 20 years ago died suddenly and never came back. In case you haven't figured it out yet, there's also a child's room with a bed that reads "Jason". ENG remembers that was the name of the kid in the campfire story. Guilty Girl says she want to leave. But of course they don't.

Next we cut back to the nerd walking in the woods. He stops to pee, and pees on the very pot field he was looking for. Nerd is happy as hell until he looks up and sees a shadowy figure looking down at him. Shadowy figure kills Nerd with some shaky camera work, and the Nerd slams against a tree.

Jason Kill Count: 1

Next we cut to oversexed couple having sex in their tent. At this point I've got to mention that this is some of the fakest movie sex I've ever seen. It's like watching the two least social drama geeks in your high school put together a sex scene using a couple of random pics from an old issue of Hustler as a reference. It's just bad. Anyway oversexed girl thinks nerd is watching them and sends oversexed guy out to shoo him off. So oversexed guy walks off into the woods looking for nerd. Really if nerd was watching wouldn't he be kinda nearby, but oversexed guy doesn't agree with me and decides to go for a fucking hike near as I can tell.

He's probably as let down with the sex scene as I was.

So we cut back to oversexed girl looking scared in her tent, as noises come from the exact opposite direction that her boyfriend just went. She might have said something... I could really care less as two seconds later a machete blade comes ripping through the tent. And...

Cut back to oversexed guy, who just happens to find the same pot field as nerd. Oh, he also finds nerd's ear attached to an ipod, and the rest of nerd attached to a tree. Suddenly he hears oversexed girl scream and runs full tilt back to the camp site.

Where he steps on a bear trap.

All he can do is watch as Jason has apparently tied up oversexed girl in her sleeping bag and hung her over the fire pit to burn to death.

Now while I don't really agree with Jason's rather hard line stance on killing naked women, I've got to admire the effort he put into this little production. I'm totally serious here. You see just last week I had to take my roommate's cat to the vet. That meant that I had to get said cat in the cat carrier. Seeing as the cat didn't really want to get in the carrier this took several minutes. Now think about what Jason had to do here. He had to grab a woman weighing somewhere over a 100 lbs, who was also naked therefore harder to grab. Shove her in a sleeping bag, which are usually pretty snug. Then tie her up and hang the whole mess from a tree, right over the fire. Also near as I can tell he did this whole job in 5 minutes or less. Less time than it took me to deal with the cat.

Like him or hate him you've got to admit he's damn good at what he does.

Eventually the bag burns enough for oversexed girl to fall, dead, out on to the ground.

Jason Kill Count: 2

Finally we get back to our Scooby Gang who are still investigating this house. Still?!! Jesus Christ!!! The things a fucking shack! It can't possibly have more than four rooms so what could be taking them so long?!!

I'd like to think they decided to change their answer for my earlier pop quiz, but in reality I think they're just mind numbingly stupid.

Anyway they finally make it to the bathroom where there are a bunch of candles surrounding a hole in the wall. ENG sees something in the wall.

Pop qui... Aw, fuck it. He reaches in and grabs the damn thing. Turns out Jason has been keeping Crazy Bitch's head in the wall for the last 20 years.

Which I guess that's kinda sweet in a fucked up kinda way, but the bathroom? Really? Personally I wouldn't want to spend all of my afterlife watching people drop a deuce. And that really can't be comfortable for Jason either. I know I wouldn't be able to go with my mom watching all the time.

So the door to the house slams shut, and when ENG goes to check it out, machette blades start stabbing up through the floor. Eventually the machete finds it's mark at which point Jason smashes through the floor and pulls ENG under. In an actually smart move Guilty Girl runs.

Jason Kill Count: 3

Guilty Girl runs back to their camp and finds oversexed guy still caught in the bear trap. She tries to help, but Jason shows up and stabs oversexed guy in the head.

Jason Kill Count: 4

Guilty Girl tries to run again, but Jason runs after her raises his blade, begins to attack, and...

We cut to the title, which tells us that we are, in fact, watching "Friday the 13th."

Remember in part one, when I mentioned that this movie had the longest opening ever. That was no bullshit. Here we are at least 20-25 minutes into the film and we just now get the opening title?!! We're at least 1/4 if not 1/3 of the way into the movie and it's just NOW officially starting?!!

HORSESHIT!!!!!

Sigh... I'm going to go drink a beer and calm down. Join me next time for the final chapter in my review of Friday the 13th.

Friday the 13th Part 1

(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)

As you could probably guess, I love horror movies. Good, bad, odd, hell, the only horror movie that I don't like is one that's boring. So seeing as the fates arranged for, me to have the day off the same day that the Friday the 13th remake opened, on Friday the fucking 13th, I was clearly predestined to see this film. And, let me tell you it wasn't boring.

Before I continue, I feel the need to warn you that I will be discussing the movie. While I will be doing my best to keep the majority of the post spoiler free, I really can't guarantee that I won't ruin some parts of the movie.

Might I suggest that you use the time that you would reading this blog doing something productive. Perhaps you could read a book. Build a birdhouse. Help your elderly neighbor with their groceries. Cover yourself in chocolate syrup and let the dog lick you clean. Whatever, I won't judge you. Don't worry you can come back after you've had a chance to see the movie. I'll still be here.

Now that that is out of the way I can hit you with the biggest spoiler in the movie. There is no story. Seriously, here's a one sentence description: Kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. Now you may think that I'm being a little harsh, but I'm not. Truthfully this bare bones approach actually works to the movie's benefit. Cause, let's face it. If you're going to see Friday the 13th, you want to see, kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. It's a formula that's worked for decades, why fuck with it now.

As you probably already know this film is a remake. However what you may not know is that this isn't a remake of the first film. It's a remake of the first three films. Which leads to the longest opening sequence in a movie EVER! Seriously.

The movie opens with text stating that we're at Camp Crystal Lake in 1980, on apparently a very rainy night. (Because rain is scary.) There we see a middle aged woman threatening a teenage girl with a knife next to the water. The woman apparently blames the girl and her friends for letting her son drown. (In case you haven't guessed the woman is Mrs. Vorhees, and her son was Jason.) Now there is one huge glaring problem with this scene. You see the girl is crying, begging for her life; which I'll admit seems somewhat rational, seeing as this crazy bitch killed all her friends before the movie even started. Or at least it would seem rational if it weren't for the fact that the girl in question is holding a FUCKING MACHETE IN HER HAND!!!

Pop quiz time boys and girls. If have a machete, and you are being chased by a crazy bitch with a knife, do you...

A) Beg for mercy.

B) Run through the woods at top speed in the middle of the night during a monsoon improving your chances of slipping and falling on your sharpened blade.

C) Cut the crazy bitch's head off.

D) All of the above.

While "C" would seem like the obvious answer to me, our nameless teenager actually decides to go with "D". That's right once crazy bitch decides to shut up and attack, teenager cuts her head off. Then teenager drops the machete and walks off.

However what she doesn't see is a childlike hand pick up the machete and his mother's necklace, and... WAIT JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE!!! Jason's still alive?!! Then why the fuck did mommy, flip the fuck out, and kill all the counselors?!! Seriously, if the kid is alive, then it seems to me the counselors didn't do all that bad of a job. Sure he probably could have been watched better, but doesn't murder seem like a little overkill. Really what the woman should have done was sue the fuck out of the camp, get a huge settlement, and get her retarded freak (did I mention that he mentally and physically deformed?) of a son some special schooling so that he might lead something that resembles a normal life.

But no, mommy goes kill crazy, and gets her head chopped off, and...

Sorry one more tangent, but who the hell is watching Jason while mommy's out killing teenagers. Wasn't her entire problem that people weren't watching her kid. And don't even try to suggest that she got a fucking babysitter. Here's what that interview would go like.

Crazy Bitch: Hello, I was wondering if I might be able to get a sitter to watch my son for the next week or so?

Operator: Are you leaving town for the week?

Crazy Bitch: Oh no. I'll be around. But I'm afraid that I'll be stepping out at all hours. You see I've got to kill all the people who watched Jason last time.

Operator: You've got to kill them? Why?

Crazy Bitch: Because they let my son drown.

Operator: Wait. Your son is dead?

Crazy Bitch: Oh no! He's very alive, though he is a little special.

Operatior: So he was left in the water too long and now has brain damage?

Crazy Bitch: No, no. He's been like that since birth.

Operator: Let me see if I've got this straight. You're going out, to kill a bunch of kids, because they pulled him out of the water and returned him back to you just the way he was before, and you want US to watch him while you do this?

Crazy Bitch: Exactly! How soon can you get here? I'm really eager to get started!

Operator: *click.*

Crazy Bitch: Hello? Hello? I guess she hung up. It's so hard to find a good sitter these days.

No one would take that job. It would be a death sentence. That's means Jason's home alone, NOT BEING TAKEN CARE OF. Which is exactly what she's killing people for. This woman is the biggest fucking hypocrite ever! She should be in politics.

So yeah, she kills kids before the movie starts. Gets her head chopped off. Her son takes her necklace and the machete. And... We fade to black.

This entire sequence was basically a remake of the entire first film, and it only took FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!

See what I mean about the story being irrelevant.

Anyway I'm going to take a short break.

See you soon for part 2.

Uhh... Devilman?

(Originally posted Sunday, January 25, 2009)

Fuck! I completely forgot about the Devilman review when I wrote my Devilman review.

It sucks.

Night everyone.