(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)
As you could probably guess, I love horror movies. Good, bad, odd, hell, the only horror movie that I don't like is one that's boring. So seeing as the fates arranged for, me to have the day off the same day that the Friday the 13th remake opened, on Friday the fucking 13th, I was clearly predestined to see this film. And, let me tell you it wasn't boring.
Before I continue, I feel the need to warn you that I will be discussing the movie. While I will be doing my best to keep the majority of the post spoiler free, I really can't guarantee that I won't ruin some parts of the movie.
Might I suggest that you use the time that you would reading this blog doing something productive. Perhaps you could read a book. Build a birdhouse. Help your elderly neighbor with their groceries. Cover yourself in chocolate syrup and let the dog lick you clean. Whatever, I won't judge you. Don't worry you can come back after you've had a chance to see the movie. I'll still be here.
Now that that is out of the way I can hit you with the biggest spoiler in the movie. There is no story. Seriously, here's a one sentence description: Kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. Now you may think that I'm being a little harsh, but I'm not. Truthfully this bare bones approach actually works to the movie's benefit. Cause, let's face it. If you're going to see Friday the 13th, you want to see, kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. It's a formula that's worked for decades, why fuck with it now.
As you probably already know this film is a remake. However what you may not know is that this isn't a remake of the first film. It's a remake of the first three films. Which leads to the longest opening sequence in a movie EVER! Seriously.
The movie opens with text stating that we're at Camp Crystal Lake in 1980, on apparently a very rainy night. (Because rain is scary.) There we see a middle aged woman threatening a teenage girl with a knife next to the water. The woman apparently blames the girl and her friends for letting her son drown. (In case you haven't guessed the woman is Mrs. Vorhees, and her son was Jason.) Now there is one huge glaring problem with this scene. You see the girl is crying, begging for her life; which I'll admit seems somewhat rational, seeing as this crazy bitch killed all her friends before the movie even started. Or at least it would seem rational if it weren't for the fact that the girl in question is holding a FUCKING MACHETE IN HER HAND!!!
Pop quiz time boys and girls. If have a machete, and you are being chased by a crazy bitch with a knife, do you...
A) Beg for mercy.
B) Run through the woods at top speed in the middle of the night during a monsoon improving your chances of slipping and falling on your sharpened blade.
C) Cut the crazy bitch's head off.
D) All of the above.
While "C" would seem like the obvious answer to me, our nameless teenager actually decides to go with "D". That's right once crazy bitch decides to shut up and attack, teenager cuts her head off. Then teenager drops the machete and walks off.
However what she doesn't see is a childlike hand pick up the machete and his mother's necklace, and... WAIT JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE!!! Jason's still alive?!! Then why the fuck did mommy, flip the fuck out, and kill all the counselors?!! Seriously, if the kid is alive, then it seems to me the counselors didn't do all that bad of a job. Sure he probably could have been watched better, but doesn't murder seem like a little overkill. Really what the woman should have done was sue the fuck out of the camp, get a huge settlement, and get her retarded freak (did I mention that he mentally and physically deformed?) of a son some special schooling so that he might lead something that resembles a normal life.
But no, mommy goes kill crazy, and gets her head chopped off, and...
Sorry one more tangent, but who the hell is watching Jason while mommy's out killing teenagers. Wasn't her entire problem that people weren't watching her kid. And don't even try to suggest that she got a fucking babysitter. Here's what that interview would go like.
Crazy Bitch: Hello, I was wondering if I might be able to get a sitter to watch my son for the next week or so?
Operator: Are you leaving town for the week?
Crazy Bitch: Oh no. I'll be around. But I'm afraid that I'll be stepping out at all hours. You see I've got to kill all the people who watched Jason last time.
Operator: You've got to kill them? Why?
Crazy Bitch: Because they let my son drown.
Operator: Wait. Your son is dead?
Crazy Bitch: Oh no! He's very alive, though he is a little special.
Operatior: So he was left in the water too long and now has brain damage?
Crazy Bitch: No, no. He's been like that since birth.
Operator: Let me see if I've got this straight. You're going out, to kill a bunch of kids, because they pulled him out of the water and returned him back to you just the way he was before, and you want US to watch him while you do this?
Crazy Bitch: Exactly! How soon can you get here? I'm really eager to get started!
Operator: *click.*
Crazy Bitch: Hello? Hello? I guess she hung up. It's so hard to find a good sitter these days.
No one would take that job. It would be a death sentence. That's means Jason's home alone, NOT BEING TAKEN CARE OF. Which is exactly what she's killing people for. This woman is the biggest fucking hypocrite ever! She should be in politics.
So yeah, she kills kids before the movie starts. Gets her head chopped off. Her son takes her necklace and the machete. And... We fade to black.
This entire sequence was basically a remake of the entire first film, and it only took FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!
See what I mean about the story being irrelevant.
Anyway I'm going to take a short break.
See you soon for part 2.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Uhh... Devilman?
(Originally posted Sunday, January 25, 2009)
Fuck! I completely forgot about the Devilman review when I wrote my Devilman review.
It sucks.
Night everyone.
Fuck! I completely forgot about the Devilman review when I wrote my Devilman review.
It sucks.
Night everyone.
Thoughts on Devilman
(Originally posted Sunday, January 25, 2009)
So believe it or not I've actually received a request to update this blog on a more regular basis. This is my attempt, such as it is, to fulfill that request. In the spirit of this new start I thought I'd do this just a little bit differently today. So instead of porn I'm going to do a review of a live action adaptation of a Japanese anime. Today's subject is Devilman.
Now some of you are probably wondering at this very moment, just who the hell is Devilman?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devilman
There you go. Blog over. You can all go home now.
Your not going to let me go that easy are you.
Editor: You know they probably would. I, however, won't.
JESUS!!! Couldn't you knock or something when you come in. Fuck! You just scared 10 years off my life.
Editor: That just means that I'm 10 years closer to freedom.
You do realize that when I go, you go with me.
Editor: I embrace my oblivion with open arms. If it means being free of you.
Come on! I really can't be that bad, can I?
Editor: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED READING THOUGH THIS SHIT YOU POST?!!!! HAVE YOU?!!!! IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! I HATE IT AND I HATE YOU!!!! (Begins sobbing hysterically.)
Uhh... Look I'm sorry. Really. I think maybe you and I just got of on the wrong foot. Wow, you really are crying a lot aren't you? Do you want a hug or something?
Editor: Just go away. Miguel was the only one who ever understood me.
(Pondering.) Miguel?... Sorry, but, who the hell is Miguel?
Editor: YOU INSENSITIVE ASS!!!! Miguel was my Latin poet. A man with such depth and insight that to read his work was akin to looking into the face of God, and being comforted by his warmth and grace. He was a gift. The kind that only comes across once in a lifetime. And you took him from me. (Begins gently sobbing again.)
Wait a second... Are you talking about that day-laborer that you tried to replace me with? The one, who, correct me if I'm wrong here, was writing Pokemon bondage porn in Spanish. Is that who you're talking about?
Editor: You never understood his genius. You couldn't see past the mythical animals in fetish wear beating and penetrating each other. Your small brain couldn't see to the glory that resided within the pages.
Okaaaay... As I recall you couldn't even read anything he wrote. I mean it was all in Spanish after all.
Editor: WHY MUST YOU TEAR DOWN EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE?!!!! Why can't you let me have one bit of happiness?
Well, if it makes you feel better, last I heard the authorities hadn't managed to catch him yet. At this very moment he's probably running free across the plains like a wild chihuahua. The wind in his hair. The fleas on his ass.
Editor: You really think so?
Uh... Sure?
Editor: Do you think he'll ever come back to me?
If he's as special as you seem to think I'm sure he'll be back.
Editor: Then we can finally get rid of your worthless ass!!!
You know what?!!! Fuck you! I tried to be nice! I tried to make things easier for you! But you know what? Fuck that!
(Pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to the editor.)
Editor: What's this?
An arrest report. It seems your boy got caught at a local Toys R Us two weeks ago, compulsively force fucking the entire plush toy aisle. Within the hour his teddy bear fucking ass was on a plane back home. And as you know in his county they don't look to kindly on the sexual abuse of stuffed animals. I'd say Miguel is in for a rough homecoming, wouldn't you?
Editor: (Trembling uncontrollably.)
You like that?!!! That's the sweet chewy goodness of justice you're tasting right now!!! Go ahead suck on it for a while. This is proof that the system works. You do not fuck with freedom! I don't care how sexy his accent was.
Editor: Did he say anything before they took him?
"Que?"
So believe it or not I've actually received a request to update this blog on a more regular basis. This is my attempt, such as it is, to fulfill that request. In the spirit of this new start I thought I'd do this just a little bit differently today. So instead of porn I'm going to do a review of a live action adaptation of a Japanese anime. Today's subject is Devilman.
Now some of you are probably wondering at this very moment, just who the hell is Devilman?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devilman
There you go. Blog over. You can all go home now.
Your not going to let me go that easy are you.
Editor: You know they probably would. I, however, won't.
JESUS!!! Couldn't you knock or something when you come in. Fuck! You just scared 10 years off my life.
Editor: That just means that I'm 10 years closer to freedom.
You do realize that when I go, you go with me.
Editor: I embrace my oblivion with open arms. If it means being free of you.
Come on! I really can't be that bad, can I?
Editor: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED READING THOUGH THIS SHIT YOU POST?!!!! HAVE YOU?!!!! IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING SAME SHIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!! I HATE IT AND I HATE YOU!!!! (Begins sobbing hysterically.)
Uhh... Look I'm sorry. Really. I think maybe you and I just got of on the wrong foot. Wow, you really are crying a lot aren't you? Do you want a hug or something?
Editor: Just go away. Miguel was the only one who ever understood me.
(Pondering.) Miguel?... Sorry, but, who the hell is Miguel?
Editor: YOU INSENSITIVE ASS!!!! Miguel was my Latin poet. A man with such depth and insight that to read his work was akin to looking into the face of God, and being comforted by his warmth and grace. He was a gift. The kind that only comes across once in a lifetime. And you took him from me. (Begins gently sobbing again.)
Wait a second... Are you talking about that day-laborer that you tried to replace me with? The one, who, correct me if I'm wrong here, was writing Pokemon bondage porn in Spanish. Is that who you're talking about?
Editor: You never understood his genius. You couldn't see past the mythical animals in fetish wear beating and penetrating each other. Your small brain couldn't see to the glory that resided within the pages.
Okaaaay... As I recall you couldn't even read anything he wrote. I mean it was all in Spanish after all.
Editor: WHY MUST YOU TEAR DOWN EVERYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE?!!!! Why can't you let me have one bit of happiness?
Well, if it makes you feel better, last I heard the authorities hadn't managed to catch him yet. At this very moment he's probably running free across the plains like a wild chihuahua. The wind in his hair. The fleas on his ass.
Editor: You really think so?
Uh... Sure?
Editor: Do you think he'll ever come back to me?
If he's as special as you seem to think I'm sure he'll be back.
Editor: Then we can finally get rid of your worthless ass!!!
You know what?!!! Fuck you! I tried to be nice! I tried to make things easier for you! But you know what? Fuck that!
(Pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to the editor.)
Editor: What's this?
An arrest report. It seems your boy got caught at a local Toys R Us two weeks ago, compulsively force fucking the entire plush toy aisle. Within the hour his teddy bear fucking ass was on a plane back home. And as you know in his county they don't look to kindly on the sexual abuse of stuffed animals. I'd say Miguel is in for a rough homecoming, wouldn't you?
Editor: (Trembling uncontrollably.)
You like that?!!! That's the sweet chewy goodness of justice you're tasting right now!!! Go ahead suck on it for a while. This is proof that the system works. You do not fuck with freedom! I don't care how sexy his accent was.
Editor: Did he say anything before they took him?
"Que?"
Procurement of Pornography III: The Revenge
(Originally posted Sunday, July 13, 2008)
Sorry for that last little interlude. But I have to say that I think it's truly brought me and my editor closers as colleagues. And dare I say it, friends?
Editor: (Screaming from the back room.) WHEN I GET MYSELF UNTIED FROM THIS FUCKING CHAIR, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME YOU PANSY-ASS-SUCKER-PUNCHING-GOAT-FUCKING-CUM-GUZZLING-PUNK!!!!!
Jesus! How the fuck do you keep getting that fucking gag off?!!! What do I have to do?!!! Superglue it to your fucking tounge?!!!
Excuse me everyone. I'll be right back.
(From the back room is heard the sounds of a horrible beating followed by: screams, cursing, the sound of power tools, crying, the national anthem, more crying, and... Moo-ing?!!!)
Sorry about that. Emergency editorial conversation. I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. Besides that's not why you're here.
You're here for the porn.
That's right hot, sweaty, sticky, sexy porn.
Well I'd say that I've kept you waiting long enough.
...
...
...
...
...
You're going to have to keep waiting.
As I mentioned before this particular porn was bought at the local mall. Well guess what? It's censored. Basically any and all scenes of penetration have been removed from what should be a fairly ordinary series of pornographic films.
For most of you that's all the information you're going to require from this review. But I, on the other hand, have way too much time on my hands.
The amazing thing is that I didn't even know the movie was censored at first. The "plot" of the first film, was of a porn director whose getting too artsy for his own good, and he's starting to alienate his fans. So the first sex scene is supposed to be an example of his "artsy" porn. The scene featured lots of the backs of people's heads bobbing, and slow-motion close-ups of thighs rocking back and forth. I have to admit, for a minute, I thought the director was truly on to something. Namely making a statement that this kind of shit would really and truly frustrate and audience. Because I knew it was frustrating the ever-living fuck out of me.
However, after a moment, I came to my senses. Then I was just annoyed. After a while I started watching, way too intently, to see if the editor would fuck up and let slide an actual shot of the good stuff. It actually kinda reminded me of being a kid, watching scrambled skin flicks on cable just hoping to catch a glimpse of a warped nipple.
Just a random side thought, but why is it that only prepubescent boys and christian watch groups watch things like this with such an attention too detail?
Second random side thought: Priests like fucking prepubescent boys. Maybe there's a connection. Someone should do a study.
Third random side thought: I'd love to see someone apply for a grant for that study. I'd like to think that it goes something like this.
Man 1: So let me see if I've got this straight. You're trying to prove a connection between boys watching scrambled porn and priests wanting to fuck them?
Man 2: Yes.
Man 1: Shit. I've got to watch this train wreck. Approved.
Man 2: Awesome!!!
In my mind this is how the world works. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'm not to far off.
Anyway, back to the porn.
So I'm not saying that you have to see penetration for a sex scene to be good. Hell, the scenes in "300" and "History of Violence" got more than a few people turned on, and those movies were rated "R". But what makes scenes like that and the hundreds, if not thousands, of the soft-core porn out there work, is that these scenes are planned not to show anything. They usually attempt to imply the deed through camera angles, music, lighting, sound effects, and story.
Hard core porn has none of this. That's what makes these DVD's such a mystery to me. I can't figure out what audience they're trying to cater to. Is there really a large grouping of people who are thinking to themselves, "Jeez! You know, I love hard core porn. The stories, the acting, the locations. Really, I just can't get enough of that stuff. If only it wasn't for actually seeing the penis and vagina touch. That's just gross."
Somehow that's just a hard sell for me.
So there you have it. If you see hardcore porn for sale at the local mall, just keep walking. You'll be better served by going to an actual video store and renting some, or doing a google search for "college".
P.S. One awesome discovery I made from this little endeavor; Briana Banks sounds almost exactly like Fran Drescher from "The Nanny". Seriously I kept waiting for her to do that stupid fucking laugh. So if you've ever wondered what the nanny sounds like when she's fucking, well, here's your chance.
Sorry for that last little interlude. But I have to say that I think it's truly brought me and my editor closers as colleagues. And dare I say it, friends?
Editor: (Screaming from the back room.) WHEN I GET MYSELF UNTIED FROM THIS FUCKING CHAIR, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME YOU PANSY-ASS-SUCKER-PUNCHING-GOAT-FUCKING-CUM-GUZZLING-PUNK!!!!!
Jesus! How the fuck do you keep getting that fucking gag off?!!! What do I have to do?!!! Superglue it to your fucking tounge?!!!
Excuse me everyone. I'll be right back.
(From the back room is heard the sounds of a horrible beating followed by: screams, cursing, the sound of power tools, crying, the national anthem, more crying, and... Moo-ing?!!!)
Sorry about that. Emergency editorial conversation. I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. Besides that's not why you're here.
You're here for the porn.
That's right hot, sweaty, sticky, sexy porn.
Well I'd say that I've kept you waiting long enough.
...
...
...
...
...
You're going to have to keep waiting.
As I mentioned before this particular porn was bought at the local mall. Well guess what? It's censored. Basically any and all scenes of penetration have been removed from what should be a fairly ordinary series of pornographic films.
For most of you that's all the information you're going to require from this review. But I, on the other hand, have way too much time on my hands.
The amazing thing is that I didn't even know the movie was censored at first. The "plot" of the first film, was of a porn director whose getting too artsy for his own good, and he's starting to alienate his fans. So the first sex scene is supposed to be an example of his "artsy" porn. The scene featured lots of the backs of people's heads bobbing, and slow-motion close-ups of thighs rocking back and forth. I have to admit, for a minute, I thought the director was truly on to something. Namely making a statement that this kind of shit would really and truly frustrate and audience. Because I knew it was frustrating the ever-living fuck out of me.
However, after a moment, I came to my senses. Then I was just annoyed. After a while I started watching, way too intently, to see if the editor would fuck up and let slide an actual shot of the good stuff. It actually kinda reminded me of being a kid, watching scrambled skin flicks on cable just hoping to catch a glimpse of a warped nipple.
Just a random side thought, but why is it that only prepubescent boys and christian watch groups watch things like this with such an attention too detail?
Second random side thought: Priests like fucking prepubescent boys. Maybe there's a connection. Someone should do a study.
Third random side thought: I'd love to see someone apply for a grant for that study. I'd like to think that it goes something like this.
Man 1: So let me see if I've got this straight. You're trying to prove a connection between boys watching scrambled porn and priests wanting to fuck them?
Man 2: Yes.
Man 1: Shit. I've got to watch this train wreck. Approved.
Man 2: Awesome!!!
In my mind this is how the world works. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'm not to far off.
Anyway, back to the porn.
So I'm not saying that you have to see penetration for a sex scene to be good. Hell, the scenes in "300" and "History of Violence" got more than a few people turned on, and those movies were rated "R". But what makes scenes like that and the hundreds, if not thousands, of the soft-core porn out there work, is that these scenes are planned not to show anything. They usually attempt to imply the deed through camera angles, music, lighting, sound effects, and story.
Hard core porn has none of this. That's what makes these DVD's such a mystery to me. I can't figure out what audience they're trying to cater to. Is there really a large grouping of people who are thinking to themselves, "Jeez! You know, I love hard core porn. The stories, the acting, the locations. Really, I just can't get enough of that stuff. If only it wasn't for actually seeing the penis and vagina touch. That's just gross."
Somehow that's just a hard sell for me.
So there you have it. If you see hardcore porn for sale at the local mall, just keep walking. You'll be better served by going to an actual video store and renting some, or doing a google search for "college".
P.S. One awesome discovery I made from this little endeavor; Briana Banks sounds almost exactly like Fran Drescher from "The Nanny". Seriously I kept waiting for her to do that stupid fucking laugh. So if you've ever wondered what the nanny sounds like when she's fucking, well, here's your chance.
Procurement of Pornography Zwei
(Originally posted Sunday, July 13, 2008)
(Editor's note: Seeing as the author has been a lazy fuck; we, the powers that be, have replaced him with an illegal immigrant named Miguel. Say hello Miguel.)
Miguel: Hello.
Wait! I'm here!
Editor: You're way too late. You've been replaced.
You can't replace me. This is my blog. Without me it doesn't exist.
Editor: And yet we've replaced you. You can collect your things. Security will be up shortly to escort you out of the building.
This can't be happening. Look people read this blog to see what I have to say.
Editor: Don't flatter yourself kid. All you do is talk about things relatively sarcastically, and say, "fuck" a lot. Miguel can do that also. He also brings a much needed sex appeal to this blog that, let's face it, you couldn't muster on your best day.
That's... not... true...
Editor: Miguel show him.
Miguel: (With a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck.
Editor: See?
(In shock.) I... wow... um... Do you think he'd have my kids?
Editor: WHAT?!!!
Nothing. Didn't mean to say that out loud. But what about the subject matter. I mean, people are waiting for my review.
Editor: Oh please. It's not like you're writing Citizen Fucking Kane! You're doing a shitty porn review.
Yeah... but...
Editor: And you haven't even wrote anything yet. Miguel, on the other hand, has a fully prepared Pokemon fanfic story ready to go. Given your general maturity level and class I figure your audience should eat this shit up.
But that doesn't make any sense. I mean I was going to write about porn, and
Editor: (Cutting me off. That prick.) Oh don't worry there's plenty of sex in the story.
About Pokemon? Please tell me you're kidding.
Editor: Oh, no! In fact there is one particular S&M scene that I think people will find particularly exciting. It involves the Pokemon trainer being tied up, some jumper cables, pikachu, squirtel, and a roll of quarters.
(Attempting to close jaw. Failing horribly.)
Editor: Here. Look at the illustrations.
There are pictures? (looking at the page) Sweet Jesus!!!
Editor: We're calling it "Pokemon Mystery Dungeon." I think it's got a nice ring to it.
(Still looking at the pictures, not blinking.) I think... I just died a little on the inside.
Editor: Here I'll tell you what. Just to show you that there are no hard feelings I'll give you a copy of the blog for free.
(Begin to flip through the 134 page epic of Pokemon smut.) Um... You haven't actually read this yet have you?
Editor: Well... No. But Miguel assures me that it's of the highest quality.
Well that may be. But it's all in Spanish.
Editor: What!!! (Begins flipping through the blog frantically.) Bad Miguel!!! Bad!!!
Miguel: Que?
You do realize that I write in English for a reason, right? Most of the people I write for can only read English. Hell, I took years of Spanish classes and the only thing I remember how to say is, "Donde es el bano?"
Editor: What does that mean?
I'm not sure. I think it means something like, "May I molest your parrot."
Editor: Why would you ever want to say something like that.
Hey! You were just trying to force Pokemon bondage porn upon the world! Don't judge!
Editor: That's different...
Look, let's be rational. You want a blog posted that people can read. I want to write a blog that people can read. And Miguel wants to start running if he wants to stay in this country, because I've just texted the authorities to come pick up his illegal ass.
Miguel: (In a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck!!! (Runs out the door.)
Editor: Miguel! Noooooo!!!!!!!!! Come back to me! I'm so lonely.
Well you've still got me chief.
Editor: I hate you.
Same to you boss. Well time to get started on that blog.
Editor: About fucking time.
After a little while. Feeling a bit peckish right now.
Editor: I REALLY fucking hate you.
And so, all is right with the world.
(Editor's note: Seeing as the author has been a lazy fuck; we, the powers that be, have replaced him with an illegal immigrant named Miguel. Say hello Miguel.)
Miguel: Hello.
Wait! I'm here!
Editor: You're way too late. You've been replaced.
You can't replace me. This is my blog. Without me it doesn't exist.
Editor: And yet we've replaced you. You can collect your things. Security will be up shortly to escort you out of the building.
This can't be happening. Look people read this blog to see what I have to say.
Editor: Don't flatter yourself kid. All you do is talk about things relatively sarcastically, and say, "fuck" a lot. Miguel can do that also. He also brings a much needed sex appeal to this blog that, let's face it, you couldn't muster on your best day.
That's... not... true...
Editor: Miguel show him.
Miguel: (With a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck.
Editor: See?
(In shock.) I... wow... um... Do you think he'd have my kids?
Editor: WHAT?!!!
Nothing. Didn't mean to say that out loud. But what about the subject matter. I mean, people are waiting for my review.
Editor: Oh please. It's not like you're writing Citizen Fucking Kane! You're doing a shitty porn review.
Yeah... but...
Editor: And you haven't even wrote anything yet. Miguel, on the other hand, has a fully prepared Pokemon fanfic story ready to go. Given your general maturity level and class I figure your audience should eat this shit up.
But that doesn't make any sense. I mean I was going to write about porn, and
Editor: (Cutting me off. That prick.) Oh don't worry there's plenty of sex in the story.
About Pokemon? Please tell me you're kidding.
Editor: Oh, no! In fact there is one particular S&M scene that I think people will find particularly exciting. It involves the Pokemon trainer being tied up, some jumper cables, pikachu, squirtel, and a roll of quarters.
(Attempting to close jaw. Failing horribly.)
Editor: Here. Look at the illustrations.
There are pictures? (looking at the page) Sweet Jesus!!!
Editor: We're calling it "Pokemon Mystery Dungeon." I think it's got a nice ring to it.
(Still looking at the pictures, not blinking.) I think... I just died a little on the inside.
Editor: Here I'll tell you what. Just to show you that there are no hard feelings I'll give you a copy of the blog for free.
(Begin to flip through the 134 page epic of Pokemon smut.) Um... You haven't actually read this yet have you?
Editor: Well... No. But Miguel assures me that it's of the highest quality.
Well that may be. But it's all in Spanish.
Editor: What!!! (Begins flipping through the blog frantically.) Bad Miguel!!! Bad!!!
Miguel: Que?
You do realize that I write in English for a reason, right? Most of the people I write for can only read English. Hell, I took years of Spanish classes and the only thing I remember how to say is, "Donde es el bano?"
Editor: What does that mean?
I'm not sure. I think it means something like, "May I molest your parrot."
Editor: Why would you ever want to say something like that.
Hey! You were just trying to force Pokemon bondage porn upon the world! Don't judge!
Editor: That's different...
Look, let's be rational. You want a blog posted that people can read. I want to write a blog that people can read. And Miguel wants to start running if he wants to stay in this country, because I've just texted the authorities to come pick up his illegal ass.
Miguel: (In a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck!!! (Runs out the door.)
Editor: Miguel! Noooooo!!!!!!!!! Come back to me! I'm so lonely.
Well you've still got me chief.
Editor: I hate you.
Same to you boss. Well time to get started on that blog.
Editor: About fucking time.
After a little while. Feeling a bit peckish right now.
Editor: I REALLY fucking hate you.
And so, all is right with the world.
Procurement of Pornography
(Originally posted Monday, July 07, 2008)
So this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I have been know, from time to time, to watch porn. I know this may come as a bit of a shock, seeing as I come across as such a pure and upstanding citizen, but it's true. Me I see it as the natural result of 28 non-consecutive years of abstinence.
Of course it's entirely possible that I'm just a pervert.
I mention this because just recently I purchased some and the resulting experience is something that I feel the need to share with the world.
At some point each and every one of us has watched some form of porn. Hell, thanks to the internet, we live in a culture where it's increasingly more difficult to avoid. Think about it. Chances are a google search for "sandbox" is going to bring up at least a few hits for geriatric lesbian porn. (If the need to research this overcomes you feel free. I won't judge you... Freak.)
My point is porn is amazingly easy to come by, so why would anyone actually pay good money at a store for these carnal recordings. In this particular case it all comes down to location, and this location was the local mall.
Allow me to set the scene. It was about midday on my day off. Not really wanting to go home I stopped by the mall to kill some time. One of the stores in the mall was one of those ridiculously overpriced music/video stores. As I was perusing the shelves upon shelves of shit, that I had no intention of buying, I came upon their clearance section. This section was about three shelves of direct to video crap that even Dean Cain wouldn't star in. Until I got to the last half of the last shelf. And there, behind some horrid looking sci-fi movie, I found porn.
Now understand that I'm not talking about some general Playboy pin-up DVD, but rather several "films" from Vivid Video. (While I'm guessing that most of you know what Vivid Video is, I'm afraid that special agent Rick might be in the dark. Vivid is a large American video company well known for producing XXX rated pornography. Indeed chances are, that if you've watched a porn in the last 10 years, Vivid produced it.) Not only were they Vivid films, but they were only $7.00. Seriously that's about the same price as a rental and a box of tissues. For whatever reason this highly amused me and piqued my curiosity. However I did not make a purchase that day.
For the rest of the night I was plagued with the question, "Just what kind of porn can you buy at the mall for seven bucks?!!!"
In fact I believe my internal dialogue went something like this.
Me: Just what kind of porn can I buy for seven bucks?!!!
Other Me: Well buy it and then you'll know.
Me: Nah, it's probably going to suck.
Other Me: You don't know that. It might be amazing. It could be that no one else has dared to buy it. You could be the first. You could be the Indiana Mother Fucking Jones of mall porn. You know before the shitty CGI and stupid alien references.
Me: I did always want a fedora...
Other Me: That's it. Come to the Dark Side.
Me: Wow. A reference to Indy and Star Wars in less than a 100 words. All I need now is to figure out a way to slip in THX-1138 and I'll have Lucas's holy trinity.
Other Me: Uhh, dude, you just did.
Me: BOOYAH!!! I'm the mother fucking king. So... What do I win?
Other Me: Well seeing how you have this much stupid George Lucas related information shoved in your head, AND you know who Dean Cain is. I'd say you're never getting laid again. Therefore you're going to need all the porn you can get.
It's actually hard for me to argue with that kind of logic, so the next day I went back to the store. Now your average man-boy would have no problems picking up the videos paying for them and leaving, but never let it be said that I am average.
So I decided to pick up 3 videos thinking this would give me a decent sampling of what they were selling. This was not hard, because honestly you can't tell shit from the covers, so really it was a random sampling. The first hurdle, actually, was the cashier. This girl was young. Certainly underage, with braces. I'm guessing that this was her summer job while she's off from high school. Let me tell you, very few things will make you feel like a dirty old man like buying porn from a high school girl will. As if that wasn't enough, the girl couldn't figure out how to open the security case, and informed me that we'd have to wait for her manager to come back.
At this point any normal person would have declared this entire situation as too much goddamn trouble, and really kind of silly. But I was on a quest and I would not be stopped.
So I waited. While I waited the girl left my selection sitting on the counter in full view of all the other customers. I truly believe the populous could smell my need to purchase these videos, because there were more customers than normal that day. After about half a dozen people came up to the counter and saw what I was attempting to buy, the manager finally appeared.
And opened all the cases in about 2 seconds.
Now, really, this should be the end of it, but no. Next the girl couldn't figure out how to apply the sale price to the videos. So the manager had to come to the rescue again.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I had paid for my purchase. I thought I was done. I was wrong. First instead of just putting the videos in the normal store bag, she pulled out a brown paper bag. A brown fucking paper fucking bag! I'm truly amazed they didn't just give me a pin that said, "Hey!!! Everybody look!!! This guy is buying porn!!!" Then, after the longest bagging process ever, (I'm not kidding it took her like 3 minutes to put 3 DVDs in a brown bag.) my roommate sends me a text message. This make the girl look up at me smile and say, "I really like your ringtone."
This may not seem like a big deal but after everything I just went though, it took everything I had NOT to bust out laughing right there in the store.
So how was the porn? Was it worth the whole experience? Was it worth your time to read this crap? What's on tv right now?
Tomorrow I will answer all these questions.
(Except the "tv" one. However, I'm willing to wager a guest. I'm going with, "crap".)
So this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I have been know, from time to time, to watch porn. I know this may come as a bit of a shock, seeing as I come across as such a pure and upstanding citizen, but it's true. Me I see it as the natural result of 28 non-consecutive years of abstinence.
Of course it's entirely possible that I'm just a pervert.
I mention this because just recently I purchased some and the resulting experience is something that I feel the need to share with the world.
At some point each and every one of us has watched some form of porn. Hell, thanks to the internet, we live in a culture where it's increasingly more difficult to avoid. Think about it. Chances are a google search for "sandbox" is going to bring up at least a few hits for geriatric lesbian porn. (If the need to research this overcomes you feel free. I won't judge you... Freak.)
My point is porn is amazingly easy to come by, so why would anyone actually pay good money at a store for these carnal recordings. In this particular case it all comes down to location, and this location was the local mall.
Allow me to set the scene. It was about midday on my day off. Not really wanting to go home I stopped by the mall to kill some time. One of the stores in the mall was one of those ridiculously overpriced music/video stores. As I was perusing the shelves upon shelves of shit, that I had no intention of buying, I came upon their clearance section. This section was about three shelves of direct to video crap that even Dean Cain wouldn't star in. Until I got to the last half of the last shelf. And there, behind some horrid looking sci-fi movie, I found porn.
Now understand that I'm not talking about some general Playboy pin-up DVD, but rather several "films" from Vivid Video. (While I'm guessing that most of you know what Vivid Video is, I'm afraid that special agent Rick might be in the dark. Vivid is a large American video company well known for producing XXX rated pornography. Indeed chances are, that if you've watched a porn in the last 10 years, Vivid produced it.) Not only were they Vivid films, but they were only $7.00. Seriously that's about the same price as a rental and a box of tissues. For whatever reason this highly amused me and piqued my curiosity. However I did not make a purchase that day.
For the rest of the night I was plagued with the question, "Just what kind of porn can you buy at the mall for seven bucks?!!!"
In fact I believe my internal dialogue went something like this.
Me: Just what kind of porn can I buy for seven bucks?!!!
Other Me: Well buy it and then you'll know.
Me: Nah, it's probably going to suck.
Other Me: You don't know that. It might be amazing. It could be that no one else has dared to buy it. You could be the first. You could be the Indiana Mother Fucking Jones of mall porn. You know before the shitty CGI and stupid alien references.
Me: I did always want a fedora...
Other Me: That's it. Come to the Dark Side.
Me: Wow. A reference to Indy and Star Wars in less than a 100 words. All I need now is to figure out a way to slip in THX-1138 and I'll have Lucas's holy trinity.
Other Me: Uhh, dude, you just did.
Me: BOOYAH!!! I'm the mother fucking king. So... What do I win?
Other Me: Well seeing how you have this much stupid George Lucas related information shoved in your head, AND you know who Dean Cain is. I'd say you're never getting laid again. Therefore you're going to need all the porn you can get.
It's actually hard for me to argue with that kind of logic, so the next day I went back to the store. Now your average man-boy would have no problems picking up the videos paying for them and leaving, but never let it be said that I am average.
So I decided to pick up 3 videos thinking this would give me a decent sampling of what they were selling. This was not hard, because honestly you can't tell shit from the covers, so really it was a random sampling. The first hurdle, actually, was the cashier. This girl was young. Certainly underage, with braces. I'm guessing that this was her summer job while she's off from high school. Let me tell you, very few things will make you feel like a dirty old man like buying porn from a high school girl will. As if that wasn't enough, the girl couldn't figure out how to open the security case, and informed me that we'd have to wait for her manager to come back.
At this point any normal person would have declared this entire situation as too much goddamn trouble, and really kind of silly. But I was on a quest and I would not be stopped.
So I waited. While I waited the girl left my selection sitting on the counter in full view of all the other customers. I truly believe the populous could smell my need to purchase these videos, because there were more customers than normal that day. After about half a dozen people came up to the counter and saw what I was attempting to buy, the manager finally appeared.
And opened all the cases in about 2 seconds.
Now, really, this should be the end of it, but no. Next the girl couldn't figure out how to apply the sale price to the videos. So the manager had to come to the rescue again.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I had paid for my purchase. I thought I was done. I was wrong. First instead of just putting the videos in the normal store bag, she pulled out a brown paper bag. A brown fucking paper fucking bag! I'm truly amazed they didn't just give me a pin that said, "Hey!!! Everybody look!!! This guy is buying porn!!!" Then, after the longest bagging process ever, (I'm not kidding it took her like 3 minutes to put 3 DVDs in a brown bag.) my roommate sends me a text message. This make the girl look up at me smile and say, "I really like your ringtone."
This may not seem like a big deal but after everything I just went though, it took everything I had NOT to bust out laughing right there in the store.
So how was the porn? Was it worth the whole experience? Was it worth your time to read this crap? What's on tv right now?
Tomorrow I will answer all these questions.
(Except the "tv" one. However, I'm willing to wager a guest. I'm going with, "crap".)
Telephone
(Originally posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008)
We've all done it at least once. I am of course talking about taking the winding path through youtube. You know, when you do one search and then about two hours later you realize you're watching something completely different than what you started with because you keep clicking on the "related videos". Really I think of this like that old game telephone, where the statement is completely different by the time it makes it's way through the room.
Totally innocent and mildly amusing.
However this is what happens when I do it.
It all started with me doing a google search on my name. Turns out there's an Irish comedian with the same fucking name. So I thought I look up some of his act.
Not my favorite, but all in all not horrible. Then I moved on to the following clip.
Now I have to admit this made me laugh my ass off. Richard Simmons gaying it up to 11. (For the record I don't mean "gay" as a negative phrase here. I mean that he wants to fuck the shit out of all the other guys, while on stage. Just so we're clear.)
So we've seen a couple of comedy acts. Makes sense. About now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Why the fuck did this guy bother writing all this shit? Is there a point? Doesn't he have anything better to do with his time? I could be watching porn right now." After that last thought I would imagine that half of you have left to watch porn. I don't blame you. I wish I had done the same. Instead I witnessed this.
So... Yeah... WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING TO OUR KIDS?!!!!
This is the point when any sane person would have given up on the human race and gone to bed. Instead I wound up here.
Just to recap I started with a comedian, moved to a comedy act, then wound up on some sort of acid trip induced children's programing, and then we end here. A video of two people talking about how their love of getting fucked by a horse brought them together.
At this very moment I'm struggling not to curl up in a fetal position.
So the question is, "What does all this shit have in common?"
After much deliberation, and cursing of the human race, I think I have an answer. Drum roll please.
Bad Hair.
Good night. Sleep tight. And for the love of god, if you ever meet and marry someone because of your shared love of horse cock, do not, under any circumstances attempt to breed.
Fisto Aborto is always watching.
We've all done it at least once. I am of course talking about taking the winding path through youtube. You know, when you do one search and then about two hours later you realize you're watching something completely different than what you started with because you keep clicking on the "related videos". Really I think of this like that old game telephone, where the statement is completely different by the time it makes it's way through the room.
Totally innocent and mildly amusing.
However this is what happens when I do it.
It all started with me doing a google search on my name. Turns out there's an Irish comedian with the same fucking name. So I thought I look up some of his act.
Not my favorite, but all in all not horrible. Then I moved on to the following clip.
Now I have to admit this made me laugh my ass off. Richard Simmons gaying it up to 11. (For the record I don't mean "gay" as a negative phrase here. I mean that he wants to fuck the shit out of all the other guys, while on stage. Just so we're clear.)
So we've seen a couple of comedy acts. Makes sense. About now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Why the fuck did this guy bother writing all this shit? Is there a point? Doesn't he have anything better to do with his time? I could be watching porn right now." After that last thought I would imagine that half of you have left to watch porn. I don't blame you. I wish I had done the same. Instead I witnessed this.
So... Yeah... WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING TO OUR KIDS?!!!!
This is the point when any sane person would have given up on the human race and gone to bed. Instead I wound up here.
Just to recap I started with a comedian, moved to a comedy act, then wound up on some sort of acid trip induced children's programing, and then we end here. A video of two people talking about how their love of getting fucked by a horse brought them together.
At this very moment I'm struggling not to curl up in a fetal position.
So the question is, "What does all this shit have in common?"
After much deliberation, and cursing of the human race, I think I have an answer. Drum roll please.
Bad Hair.
Good night. Sleep tight. And for the love of god, if you ever meet and marry someone because of your shared love of horse cock, do not, under any circumstances attempt to breed.
Fisto Aborto is always watching.
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