Friday the 13th Part 1

(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)

As you could probably guess, I love horror movies. Good, bad, odd, hell, the only horror movie that I don't like is one that's boring. So seeing as the fates arranged for, me to have the day off the same day that the Friday the 13th remake opened, on Friday the fucking 13th, I was clearly predestined to see this film. And, let me tell you it wasn't boring.

Before I continue, I feel the need to warn you that I will be discussing the movie. While I will be doing my best to keep the majority of the post spoiler free, I really can't guarantee that I won't ruin some parts of the movie.

Might I suggest that you use the time that you would reading this blog doing something productive. Perhaps you could read a book. Build a birdhouse. Help your elderly neighbor with their groceries. Cover yourself in chocolate syrup and let the dog lick you clean. Whatever, I won't judge you. Don't worry you can come back after you've had a chance to see the movie. I'll still be here.

Now that that is out of the way I can hit you with the biggest spoiler in the movie. There is no story. Seriously, here's a one sentence description: Kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. Now you may think that I'm being a little harsh, but I'm not. Truthfully this bare bones approach actually works to the movie's benefit. Cause, let's face it. If you're going to see Friday the 13th, you want to see, kids of barely (yeah right) legal age, go to the woods to have fun, and get killed by a big guy in a hockey mask. It's a formula that's worked for decades, why fuck with it now.

As you probably already know this film is a remake. However what you may not know is that this isn't a remake of the first film. It's a remake of the first three films. Which leads to the longest opening sequence in a movie EVER! Seriously.

The movie opens with text stating that we're at Camp Crystal Lake in 1980, on apparently a very rainy night. (Because rain is scary.) There we see a middle aged woman threatening a teenage girl with a knife next to the water. The woman apparently blames the girl and her friends for letting her son drown. (In case you haven't guessed the woman is Mrs. Vorhees, and her son was Jason.) Now there is one huge glaring problem with this scene. You see the girl is crying, begging for her life; which I'll admit seems somewhat rational, seeing as this crazy bitch killed all her friends before the movie even started. Or at least it would seem rational if it weren't for the fact that the girl in question is holding a FUCKING MACHETE IN HER HAND!!!

Pop quiz time boys and girls. If have a machete, and you are being chased by a crazy bitch with a knife, do you...

A) Beg for mercy.

B) Run through the woods at top speed in the middle of the night during a monsoon improving your chances of slipping and falling on your sharpened blade.

C) Cut the crazy bitch's head off.

D) All of the above.

While "C" would seem like the obvious answer to me, our nameless teenager actually decides to go with "D". That's right once crazy bitch decides to shut up and attack, teenager cuts her head off. Then teenager drops the machete and walks off.

However what she doesn't see is a childlike hand pick up the machete and his mother's necklace, and... WAIT JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE!!! Jason's still alive?!! Then why the fuck did mommy, flip the fuck out, and kill all the counselors?!! Seriously, if the kid is alive, then it seems to me the counselors didn't do all that bad of a job. Sure he probably could have been watched better, but doesn't murder seem like a little overkill. Really what the woman should have done was sue the fuck out of the camp, get a huge settlement, and get her retarded freak (did I mention that he mentally and physically deformed?) of a son some special schooling so that he might lead something that resembles a normal life.

But no, mommy goes kill crazy, and gets her head chopped off, and...

Sorry one more tangent, but who the hell is watching Jason while mommy's out killing teenagers. Wasn't her entire problem that people weren't watching her kid. And don't even try to suggest that she got a fucking babysitter. Here's what that interview would go like.

Crazy Bitch: Hello, I was wondering if I might be able to get a sitter to watch my son for the next week or so?

Operator: Are you leaving town for the week?

Crazy Bitch: Oh no. I'll be around. But I'm afraid that I'll be stepping out at all hours. You see I've got to kill all the people who watched Jason last time.

Operator: You've got to kill them? Why?

Crazy Bitch: Because they let my son drown.

Operator: Wait. Your son is dead?

Crazy Bitch: Oh no! He's very alive, though he is a little special.

Operatior: So he was left in the water too long and now has brain damage?

Crazy Bitch: No, no. He's been like that since birth.

Operator: Let me see if I've got this straight. You're going out, to kill a bunch of kids, because they pulled him out of the water and returned him back to you just the way he was before, and you want US to watch him while you do this?

Crazy Bitch: Exactly! How soon can you get here? I'm really eager to get started!

Operator: *click.*

Crazy Bitch: Hello? Hello? I guess she hung up. It's so hard to find a good sitter these days.

No one would take that job. It would be a death sentence. That's means Jason's home alone, NOT BEING TAKEN CARE OF. Which is exactly what she's killing people for. This woman is the biggest fucking hypocrite ever! She should be in politics.

So yeah, she kills kids before the movie starts. Gets her head chopped off. Her son takes her necklace and the machete. And... We fade to black.

This entire sequence was basically a remake of the entire first film, and it only took FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!

See what I mean about the story being irrelevant.

Anyway I'm going to take a short break.

See you soon for part 2.