Friday the 13th Part 2

(Originally posted Friday, February 13, 2009)

So remember how last time I said that I was going to try and avoid spoiling anything major in the movie? Yeah, well, I'd say it's safe to say that my last blog blew that theory right the hell out of the water. So let's just assume that I'm going to ruin the fuck out of this film, so if you're planning to see it you might want to do so before you read any further.

Now on to the second part of my review the Friday the 13th remake.

Last we left, crazy bitch was dead, and lil' Jason (sounds like a really shitty comic strip) has the machete that killed her. At this point I should mention that there is a voice-over of Crazy Bitch saying that Jason would have to kill for her from now on.

Way to fuck up a kid from beyond the grave lady. How the mother of the year awards overlooked you is anybody's guess.

Next we cut to a group of 5 barely (yeah right) legal kids backpacking in the woods. Also there is some text stating that it is 20 years later. Of these 5 "kids" there are two couples, and one nerd. (Note: It is impossible for me to remember all of these "character's" names, as such I will be referring to them as the stereotypes that they are meant to represent.) When it comes to the two couples you have the oversexed white couple, and on the other hand you have the ethnically neutral guy (so called because I don't know what he is) and the guilty looking white girl.

Anyway they're all following the nerd, because he's the only one who can read the GPS that they have. Trouble is that he doesn't seem to be very good at reading it. It seems these kids are looking for some huge field of pot that they intend to steal and resell thus making themselves rich.

Now maybe I'm just horribly naive to the way the whole drug game plays out, but I would think that if I had a field of pot in the middle of nowhere, I'd have someone guarding it. You know. Just in case some fuckhead extras from a slasher movie decided to come and try and steal my shit. But that's me. Maybe I'm just hypothetically paranoid.

Anyway, the nerd thinks they're close, so they decide to set up camp for the night. At this point I should mention that the nerd simply can't stop running his goddamn mouth about factoids, while relevant to the current situation, nobody cares about. Until they start roasting marshmallows around the campfire that is.

You see due to some extraordinarily bad luck it turns out they've set up camp right next to the remains of Camp Crystal Lake. For whatever the nerd knows the story of Jason drowning, Crazy Bitch turning into a crazy bitch and killing everyone, and how Jason came back and the police tried to catch him... HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE!!! CAME BACK?!! How the fuck did he come back?!!! Did he fucking die or not?!! And if he did die how the hell did he come back? Sadly the movie never tells you, because this is where the nerd's story, and subsequently all of the back story for this movie, ends.

Me? I'm blaming the Umbrella Corporation.

At this point guilty girl and ENG (Ethnically Neutral Guy) decide to take a walk. Nerd hangs out for a bit, but then also leaves when oversexed couple want to have sex.

Guilty girl tells ENG that she wants to leave early because she feels bad for leaving her mom. ENG says something comforting about puking (not making this up) until they come across a horribly run down house.

Pop quiz time again!!! You come across a run down house in the middle of the woods. Do you...

A) realize that it's the middle of the night, and think that maybe this isn't the best time to commit a B&E.

B) knock on the door to see if anyone is home.

C) have unprotected sex while smoking pot on the front porch.

D) make like Scrappy fucking Doo and bust right in looking for a mystery.

I had my money on "C", but once again they proved me wrong, and went with "D" again. Inside the house is very run down, but honestly rather well stocked. It's almost like a woman who had lived here 20 years ago died suddenly and never came back. In case you haven't figured it out yet, there's also a child's room with a bed that reads "Jason". ENG remembers that was the name of the kid in the campfire story. Guilty Girl says she want to leave. But of course they don't.

Next we cut back to the nerd walking in the woods. He stops to pee, and pees on the very pot field he was looking for. Nerd is happy as hell until he looks up and sees a shadowy figure looking down at him. Shadowy figure kills Nerd with some shaky camera work, and the Nerd slams against a tree.

Jason Kill Count: 1

Next we cut to oversexed couple having sex in their tent. At this point I've got to mention that this is some of the fakest movie sex I've ever seen. It's like watching the two least social drama geeks in your high school put together a sex scene using a couple of random pics from an old issue of Hustler as a reference. It's just bad. Anyway oversexed girl thinks nerd is watching them and sends oversexed guy out to shoo him off. So oversexed guy walks off into the woods looking for nerd. Really if nerd was watching wouldn't he be kinda nearby, but oversexed guy doesn't agree with me and decides to go for a fucking hike near as I can tell.

He's probably as let down with the sex scene as I was.

So we cut back to oversexed girl looking scared in her tent, as noises come from the exact opposite direction that her boyfriend just went. She might have said something... I could really care less as two seconds later a machete blade comes ripping through the tent. And...

Cut back to oversexed guy, who just happens to find the same pot field as nerd. Oh, he also finds nerd's ear attached to an ipod, and the rest of nerd attached to a tree. Suddenly he hears oversexed girl scream and runs full tilt back to the camp site.

Where he steps on a bear trap.

All he can do is watch as Jason has apparently tied up oversexed girl in her sleeping bag and hung her over the fire pit to burn to death.

Now while I don't really agree with Jason's rather hard line stance on killing naked women, I've got to admire the effort he put into this little production. I'm totally serious here. You see just last week I had to take my roommate's cat to the vet. That meant that I had to get said cat in the cat carrier. Seeing as the cat didn't really want to get in the carrier this took several minutes. Now think about what Jason had to do here. He had to grab a woman weighing somewhere over a 100 lbs, who was also naked therefore harder to grab. Shove her in a sleeping bag, which are usually pretty snug. Then tie her up and hang the whole mess from a tree, right over the fire. Also near as I can tell he did this whole job in 5 minutes or less. Less time than it took me to deal with the cat.

Like him or hate him you've got to admit he's damn good at what he does.

Eventually the bag burns enough for oversexed girl to fall, dead, out on to the ground.

Jason Kill Count: 2

Finally we get back to our Scooby Gang who are still investigating this house. Still?!! Jesus Christ!!! The things a fucking shack! It can't possibly have more than four rooms so what could be taking them so long?!!

I'd like to think they decided to change their answer for my earlier pop quiz, but in reality I think they're just mind numbingly stupid.

Anyway they finally make it to the bathroom where there are a bunch of candles surrounding a hole in the wall. ENG sees something in the wall.

Pop qui... Aw, fuck it. He reaches in and grabs the damn thing. Turns out Jason has been keeping Crazy Bitch's head in the wall for the last 20 years.

Which I guess that's kinda sweet in a fucked up kinda way, but the bathroom? Really? Personally I wouldn't want to spend all of my afterlife watching people drop a deuce. And that really can't be comfortable for Jason either. I know I wouldn't be able to go with my mom watching all the time.

So the door to the house slams shut, and when ENG goes to check it out, machette blades start stabbing up through the floor. Eventually the machete finds it's mark at which point Jason smashes through the floor and pulls ENG under. In an actually smart move Guilty Girl runs.

Jason Kill Count: 3

Guilty Girl runs back to their camp and finds oversexed guy still caught in the bear trap. She tries to help, but Jason shows up and stabs oversexed guy in the head.

Jason Kill Count: 4

Guilty Girl tries to run again, but Jason runs after her raises his blade, begins to attack, and...

We cut to the title, which tells us that we are, in fact, watching "Friday the 13th."

Remember in part one, when I mentioned that this movie had the longest opening ever. That was no bullshit. Here we are at least 20-25 minutes into the film and we just now get the opening title?!! We're at least 1/4 if not 1/3 of the way into the movie and it's just NOW officially starting?!!

HORSESHIT!!!!!

Sigh... I'm going to go drink a beer and calm down. Join me next time for the final chapter in my review of Friday the 13th.