Friday the 13th Part 3: The Final Chapter

(Originally posted Saturday, February 14, 2009)

By now it should be pretty apparent that I'm going to tell you every damn thing that happened in the movie. So if you keep reading, don't come crying to me saying that you felt that I ruined the movie for you. You've been warned. Repeatedly. Take some responsibility.

Now, on with the review.

Oh, something that I forgot to mention at the end of the last chapter. That second opening sequence was basically the remake of Friday the 13th Part 2. So following that logic, the rest of the film is a remake of Part 3. Sort of.

Once again we fade in on a bunch of "kids" driving a shiny new SUV in a rather rural looking area. This time we have text reading, "6 weeks later." The kids stop to get some gas and water from a country store, which gives the filmmakers a chance to introduce this new batch of murder set pieces.

Just as before labeling them by their appropriate stereotype is much easier than trying to remember any name. So as the car opens, and the future kill count spills out revealing: 2 white assholes, 2 blond twits, 1 stoned Asian guy, 1 black guy who knows he's a stereotype, and (you guessed it) 1 nice brunette with small boobs. Yeah, I'm putting my money on the brunette to pull through.

AH1 (asshole #1) and brunette go inside the store where we meet *gasp* another ridiculously well sculpted young man talking with the cashier. We'll call him Bro, because as luck would have it, it turns out this young man is Guilty Girl's sister. Turns out Bro is looking for Sis (Guilty Girl's new name for the purpose of the review) who went missing about 6 weeks ago. This prompts AH1 to tell Bro to get out of the way, because he wants to buy his bottled water, and of course Brunette has to apologize for him being a dick.

Everybody leaves the store, with Bro going his separate way via motorcycle. (Because he's a rebel.) After about a block Bro is pulled over by a cop who tells Bro to just go home. Apparently the police have already done their investigation and didn't find Sis or her friends.

At this point I'd make some snide comment about how the crack police force looked really, REALLY, hard (honest) for 6 whole weeks, and didn't find anything. So obviously she couldn't be anywhere around here. (Apparently they even conducted interviews.) But given some of the shit that happens in the movie it just isn't worth it.

Moving on.

So it seems AH1's family is rich, and has a lake house on (you know what's coming don't you) Crystal Lake. Also it seems that AH1 HATES all of his friends except for Brunette.

Back to Bro who's handing out fliers of Sis to the locals by going door to door. The first house he stops at belongs to a creepy old woman who says; Sis is dead, outsiders don't know where to walk, the locals want to be left alone, and "he" wants to be left alone. She then shuts the door and walks away.

Pop Quiz time again. Obviously this old bitch knows what's going on. If you were in this situation would you...

A) Continue to quiz the woman until she tells you exactly what she knows about what happened to your only sister.

B) Get the police and make them interview her. (Because they clearly missed her testimony during their thorough investigation.)

C) Maybe go to the library and see if maybe there is some sort of public record about the woman and missing people. (For those of you who like to think outside the box.)

D) Just leave, and never again question what this woman just told you.

You guessed it he just leaves, and goes to interview some dickhead with a wood chipper. (This dickhead shall be known as "Dickhead" for the rest of the review.) Turns out Dickhead hasn't seen Sis either, but he does have some weed to sell. Apparently he has also found this abandoned pot field.

This raises an interesting question for me. Who's growing this shit? Is Jason growing it? Maybe that's why he keeps killing people. It's not some twisted sense of justice for his mother. He just wants to keep these kids from stealing his shit. Sadly that actually makes a lot more sense to me, but unfortunately the filmmakers never explore this option.

Instead Bro declines Dickhead's offer. Back at the Lake house AH2 (Asshole #2) and BT1 (Blond Twit #1) borrow AH1's SUV to check out the other side of the lake.

We return to Dickhead who is starting to light up a joint and masturbate, when he hears a noise upstairs. So Dickhead goes upstairs, makes some lewd gestures toward a mannequin, and gets killed by Jason.

Jason Kill Count: 5

"So what, exactly, was the point of that?" you may ask. Well, you see, up until this point Jason has been wearing a burlap sack over his head. While killing Dickhead, Jason's sack came off. But luckily for Jason there just happens to be a old hockey mask that fits him, just right. Now that the icon is complete we go back to our kids acting like dumb fucks.

So Bro, still passing out fliers, shows up at AH1's house. AH1 tells him to get the fuck out. Brunette decides to go with Bro into the woods together. Why she does this is anybody's guess. I gave up trying to figure out how women think a LONG time ago.

On the other side of the lake AH2 and BT1 decide to go water skiing. Topless. Of course Jason kills them both.

Jason Kill Count: 7

While the kids at the lake house play drinking games, Bro and Brunette find themselves at the ruins of Camp Crystal Lake.

?

?!

?!!!

I'm sorry, but WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO PASS OUT FLIERS, WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, ARE YOU WANDERING IN THE WOODS AT NIGHT, TO A CAMP SITE THAT WAS ABANDONED OVER 20 FUCKING YEARS AGO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, does that leap in logic make sense to anybody? I'm going to make a wild leap here, but wouldn't it make more sense to go somewhere with, oh I don't know, people? Am I wrong here?

*sigh*

Well, guess what happens when you go to Camp Crystal Lake? That's right Jason shows up lugging a dead body. Luckily Bro and Brunette had the forethought to hide, and even more amazing once he's gone they decide to run. (Actual survival instinct in a slasher film? What is this world coming to?)

So we see Jason drag his kill into some kind of makeshift cellar. Seems Jason is a bit of a pack rat. He's got all kinds of shit down here including a chained up, but still breathing Sis. Yeahbutwhat?!!!

It seems that Sis looks a lot like Jason's mother, and so Jason wants to keep her. How do we know this? Well you see Jason has his mother's locket. Inside the locket is a portrait of Jason mom. And when you see the portrait you can see that Sis looks NOTHING AT ALL like Jason's mom.

Back to the lake house. SA (Stoned Asian) breaks a chair, and goes down to the tool shed to get a screwdriver to fix it. BG (Black Guy) continues to get stoned. AH1 and BT2 go off to have sex.

So SA gets to the shed breaks more shit, and Jason shows up and stabs him with a screwdriver. The really impressive thing here is how Jason keeps sneaking up on people. Think about it. The dude's, like, 7 feet tall, in a hockey mask, wearing heavy fucking work boots, and near as I can tell hasn't taken a bath since Crazy Bitch died 20 years ago. How the hell could that combination seek up on anyone. I guess he's just that good.

Jason Kill Count: 8

Remember during Part 2 when I said the sex scene was really, really, bad? Well the sex between AH1 and BT2 is way worse. These two have no chemistry. None. Hell, I'd go so far as to say they have negative chemistry. And while they may not be repelling each other, they sure as hell are repelling me. I think the biggest problem is that for some reason the director thought they should talk. So AH1 proceeds to talk about her tits, and her nipple placement. (I'm so not making this up.) Even worse is that after delivers these lines with all the confidence of that kid on the short bus who flings his poo at the chalk board. She actually seems charmed (?!!!) by these tender comments. (As a side note if I ever meet a girl who tells me that this is what she's looking for in a guy I'm giving up on pussy for good. Because I will NEVER be able to match that expectation.)

While they have sex Bro and Brunette come back, and call the cops. Really? No shit? Maybe I was too hard on these kids. Then the phone and power go dead. BG runs out to the tool shed to get SA.

...

I take back anything nice I said about these kids.

BG finds SA dead. Finds Jason alive. Tries to fight. Gives up. Runs... And gets a axe in the back. But he's not dead... Until Jason shoves the Axe through his chest.

Jason Kill Count: 9

Also somehow Jason gets inside and kills BT2. (We'll miss her tits and well placed nipples.)

Jason Kill Count: 10

Then the cop shows up. Jason kills him too.

Jason Kill Count: 11

Bro, AH1, and Brunette decide to run. Bro and Brunette go one way AH1 goes another. Running blindly through the woods AH1 busts out into the middle of an unmarked road where he almost gets hit by a tow truck. A hand from the driver's window beckons him closer. AH1 is cautious. Could that be Jason in the truck. Stupid Asshole, that's Jason behind you stabbing you with a machete and impaling you on the back of the tow truck as it speeds off.

Jason Kill Count: 12

As we bid adieu to Asshole #1 I'd like to share a thought I had earlier. The thing is we've seen AH1 before in another movie. You'd probably remember him playing Megan Fox's asshole (ex)boyfriend in the live action Transformers movie. In fact he seems to be playing the exact same character. Hell, I think he's even driving the same stupid SUV. Also both movie take place in the Michael Bayverse. So I'm thinking AH1 could be our gateway to seeing an incredible spectacle of stupid that would be called... Transformers vs. Jason.

You don't look convinced. Yes I know the concept is stupid. That's just it! It's SO stupid that it's flipped the gauges and become awesome. This is how I see the plot going.

Megan Fox learns of the death of her ex, and even though he was a dick she still feels kind of bad. She gets Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots to check out Crystal Lake where they find a crazed mutant named Jason going murderific on some teenagers who won't get off his fucking lawn. Well the Autobots stop and capture Jason, cause they don't kill humans. But little did they know what remains of the Decepticons are watching. Realizing Jason's potential for destruction, they free him, and use a small shard of the All-Spark (they just happened to find it you see) to change Jason into Ultravorhees. A mindless killing machine on par with anything the Autobots have to throw at him. I'm also thinking he should transform into a GIANT FUCKING ZAMBONI!!!!!

*crickets chirping*

You know a Zamboni... Cause he wears a hockey mask... Going with the whole hockey theme...

*yet more crickets*

Well I think it'd be awesome.

Fine. Back to the movie. So Bro and Brunette run to Jason's house. (These must be the smallest woods ever. I've been in playgrounds with more set pieces.) There they find Sis in the basement. They free her, but Jason shows up, so all three run off down a tunnel. Finally they find an exit. Bro goes through. Sis goes through. Brunette gets stabbed through the heart.

Jason Kill Count: 13

Actually this really surprised me. She didn't do drugs. She didn't have sex. I don't even think she ever cussed. She was just hot and friendly. Usually in horror movies being hot and friendly is how you survive. Though I have to admit with the return of Sis, Brunette really did become rather superfluous. Really do we really need two hot survivors?

The exit actually seems to come up next to Dickhead's wood chipper. Thanks to a heavy use of set pieces, and Jason thinking Sis is his mom, (I still don't see it) Bro and Sis are able to get a chain around Jason's neck, over a rafter, and into the wood chipper which acts like a wench hanging Jason. But of course Jason's too heavy and the rafter breaks. Now Jason's being pulled to the wood chipper. But he's too strong and is able to keep his head out of the chipper. Well, until Sis stabs him in the chest with his own machete. But even then only the very top of his tumorific head makes it to the chipper blades. Still he seems to be dead, so Bro and Sis drop his body in the lake.

If you've ever even heard of a horror movie before you know what's going to happen.

Undead Jason jumps out of the water for one last scare. And we go to the credits.

One last gripe and were done. But, why wouldn't you, oh I don't know, hack up the remains of his body and feed every inch of him into the wood chipper? Seriously if some giant mutant shows up, kills all of my friends, and I'm somehow able to take him down, you better believe I'm going to go all kinds of Fargo on his ass.

So that's it. That was the Friday the 13th remake. Was it worth all this effort? Probably not. But that's not the real question. The real question is was the movie worth your time? All I can say is, that depends. As I stated in the very beginning I love horror films. Despite all my (obvious) problems with the film I have to admit I was entertained.

Either you like these movies or you don't.

I for one, can't wait for Transformers vs. Jason.

Night all.