(Originally posted Sunday, July 13, 2008)
Sorry for that last little interlude. But I have to say that I think it's truly brought me and my editor closers as colleagues. And dare I say it, friends?
Editor: (Screaming from the back room.) WHEN I GET MYSELF UNTIED FROM THIS FUCKING CHAIR, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME YOU PANSY-ASS-SUCKER-PUNCHING-GOAT-FUCKING-CUM-GUZZLING-PUNK!!!!!
Jesus! How the fuck do you keep getting that fucking gag off?!!! What do I have to do?!!! Superglue it to your fucking tounge?!!!
Excuse me everyone. I'll be right back.
(From the back room is heard the sounds of a horrible beating followed by: screams, cursing, the sound of power tools, crying, the national anthem, more crying, and... Moo-ing?!!!)
Sorry about that. Emergency editorial conversation. I wouldn't want to bore you with the details. Besides that's not why you're here.
You're here for the porn.
That's right hot, sweaty, sticky, sexy porn.
Well I'd say that I've kept you waiting long enough.
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You're going to have to keep waiting.
As I mentioned before this particular porn was bought at the local mall. Well guess what? It's censored. Basically any and all scenes of penetration have been removed from what should be a fairly ordinary series of pornographic films.
For most of you that's all the information you're going to require from this review. But I, on the other hand, have way too much time on my hands.
The amazing thing is that I didn't even know the movie was censored at first. The "plot" of the first film, was of a porn director whose getting too artsy for his own good, and he's starting to alienate his fans. So the first sex scene is supposed to be an example of his "artsy" porn. The scene featured lots of the backs of people's heads bobbing, and slow-motion close-ups of thighs rocking back and forth. I have to admit, for a minute, I thought the director was truly on to something. Namely making a statement that this kind of shit would really and truly frustrate and audience. Because I knew it was frustrating the ever-living fuck out of me.
However, after a moment, I came to my senses. Then I was just annoyed. After a while I started watching, way too intently, to see if the editor would fuck up and let slide an actual shot of the good stuff. It actually kinda reminded me of being a kid, watching scrambled skin flicks on cable just hoping to catch a glimpse of a warped nipple.
Just a random side thought, but why is it that only prepubescent boys and christian watch groups watch things like this with such an attention too detail?
Second random side thought: Priests like fucking prepubescent boys. Maybe there's a connection. Someone should do a study.
Third random side thought: I'd love to see someone apply for a grant for that study. I'd like to think that it goes something like this.
Man 1: So let me see if I've got this straight. You're trying to prove a connection between boys watching scrambled porn and priests wanting to fuck them?
Man 2: Yes.
Man 1: Shit. I've got to watch this train wreck. Approved.
Man 2: Awesome!!!
In my mind this is how the world works. Sometimes I'm terrified that I'm not to far off.
Anyway, back to the porn.
So I'm not saying that you have to see penetration for a sex scene to be good. Hell, the scenes in "300" and "History of Violence" got more than a few people turned on, and those movies were rated "R". But what makes scenes like that and the hundreds, if not thousands, of the soft-core porn out there work, is that these scenes are planned not to show anything. They usually attempt to imply the deed through camera angles, music, lighting, sound effects, and story.
Hard core porn has none of this. That's what makes these DVD's such a mystery to me. I can't figure out what audience they're trying to cater to. Is there really a large grouping of people who are thinking to themselves, "Jeez! You know, I love hard core porn. The stories, the acting, the locations. Really, I just can't get enough of that stuff. If only it wasn't for actually seeing the penis and vagina touch. That's just gross."
Somehow that's just a hard sell for me.
So there you have it. If you see hardcore porn for sale at the local mall, just keep walking. You'll be better served by going to an actual video store and renting some, or doing a google search for "college".
P.S. One awesome discovery I made from this little endeavor; Briana Banks sounds almost exactly like Fran Drescher from "The Nanny". Seriously I kept waiting for her to do that stupid fucking laugh. So if you've ever wondered what the nanny sounds like when she's fucking, well, here's your chance.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
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