Procurement of Pornography Zwei

(Originally posted Sunday, July 13, 2008)

(Editor's note: Seeing as the author has been a lazy fuck; we, the powers that be, have replaced him with an illegal immigrant named Miguel. Say hello Miguel.)

Miguel: Hello.

Wait! I'm here!

Editor: You're way too late. You've been replaced.

You can't replace me. This is my blog. Without me it doesn't exist.

Editor: And yet we've replaced you. You can collect your things. Security will be up shortly to escort you out of the building.

This can't be happening. Look people read this blog to see what I have to say.

Editor: Don't flatter yourself kid. All you do is talk about things relatively sarcastically, and say, "fuck" a lot. Miguel can do that also. He also brings a much needed sex appeal to this blog that, let's face it, you couldn't muster on your best day.

That's... not... true...

Editor: Miguel show him.

Miguel: (With a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck.

Editor: See?

(In shock.) I... wow... um... Do you think he'd have my kids?

Editor: WHAT?!!!

Nothing. Didn't mean to say that out loud. But what about the subject matter. I mean, people are waiting for my review.

Editor: Oh please. It's not like you're writing Citizen Fucking Kane! You're doing a shitty porn review.

Yeah... but...

Editor: And you haven't even wrote anything yet. Miguel, on the other hand, has a fully prepared Pokemon fanfic story ready to go. Given your general maturity level and class I figure your audience should eat this shit up.

But that doesn't make any sense. I mean I was going to write about porn, and

Editor: (Cutting me off. That prick.) Oh don't worry there's plenty of sex in the story.

About Pokemon? Please tell me you're kidding.

Editor: Oh, no! In fact there is one particular S&M scene that I think people will find particularly exciting. It involves the Pokemon trainer being tied up, some jumper cables, pikachu, squirtel, and a roll of quarters.

(Attempting to close jaw. Failing horribly.)

Editor: Here. Look at the illustrations.

There are pictures? (looking at the page) Sweet Jesus!!!

Editor: We're calling it "Pokemon Mystery Dungeon." I think it's got a nice ring to it.

(Still looking at the pictures, not blinking.) I think... I just died a little on the inside.

Editor: Here I'll tell you what. Just to show you that there are no hard feelings I'll give you a copy of the blog for free.

(Begin to flip through the 134 page epic of Pokemon smut.) Um... You haven't actually read this yet have you?

Editor: Well... No. But Miguel assures me that it's of the highest quality.

Well that may be. But it's all in Spanish.

Editor: What!!! (Begins flipping through the blog frantically.) Bad Miguel!!! Bad!!!

Miguel: Que?

You do realize that I write in English for a reason, right? Most of the people I write for can only read English. Hell, I took years of Spanish classes and the only thing I remember how to say is, "Donde es el bano?"

Editor: What does that mean?

I'm not sure. I think it means something like, "May I molest your parrot."

Editor: Why would you ever want to say something like that.

Hey! You were just trying to force Pokemon bondage porn upon the world! Don't judge!

Editor: That's different...

Look, let's be rational. You want a blog posted that people can read. I want to write a blog that people can read. And Miguel wants to start running if he wants to stay in this country, because I've just texted the authorities to come pick up his illegal ass.

Miguel: (In a sultry Spanish accent.) Fuck!!! (Runs out the door.)

Editor: Miguel! Noooooo!!!!!!!!! Come back to me! I'm so lonely.

Well you've still got me chief.

Editor: I hate you.

Same to you boss. Well time to get started on that blog.

Editor: About fucking time.

After a little while. Feeling a bit peckish right now.

Editor: I REALLY fucking hate you.

And so, all is right with the world.