Attempting to review Shakespeare is in many ways a useless proposition. By this point anyone with any interest in the bard's body of work has read the all plays as well as read analyses and critiques written by people much smarter and better informed than myself. People have devoted their lives to the man's works. Most think Shakespeare was a genius. Some think he was the greatest writer to ever have lived. I personally think he has been somewhat overrated.
Now before you begin calling for my head on a pike, allow me to clarify that statement a little bit. I do think Shakespeare was wonderfully ahead of his time. (If you don't believe me, try to read the works of his contemporaries.) But his stories, while solid, rarely capture my imagination. Using "Much Ado" as an example many plot devices seem a bit too shoehorned in to feel truly authentic. (It's either poor storytelling, or Claudio is the most bi-polar bastard ever.) In my opinion Shakespeare's works are only so fondly remembered because the man did two things really, really well; he created strong memorable characters and he crafted some of the best dialogue ever put to page. Think about it for a moment. When you think of Shakespeare what comes to mind first? The characters? The dialogue? Or the story? I'm willing to bet most of you would have chose one of the first two options.
Does this mean I dislike Shakespeare's work? Not at all. I'm a big believer in focusing on your strengths, and letting those strengths carry the bulk of the work. Need further proof? Alright, how about this. Joss Whedon is one of my favorite writer directors working today. I say this with no reservations what so ever, and yet... Every single critique I just lay against Shakespeare I could just as easily lay against Whedon as well. Like Shakespeare, Whedon's talents are in creating and understanding strong memorable characters and giving them fantastic things to say. As such I feel that Whedon is perhaps one of the best currently working directors to attempt to bring Shakespeare's work to the big screen.
Now that I've gotten all that out of the way, I can say that "Much Ado About Nothing" is the best film representation of Shakespeare I've ever seen. It may be the best Shakespeare I've ever seen, period.
A big part of that proclamation comes directly from Whedon's third major talent. Casting. I don't know how the man casts his actors, but whatever he does works really, really well. Everyone of his projects has featured amazingly talented ensemble casts. And Much Ado's cast list reads like a "best of" list of Whedon's previous works. Never before have I seen a cast of actors feel so utterly comfortable with the language. Every time I've every seen Shakespeare performed before this, there has always been the sense that the actor is simply trying to force out the line so that s/he can get to the next line. Either that or actors often feel the need to make the language feel "big" and "grand" and "dramatic" even though often times the actual scene is fairly mundane. Not so here. In fact there was a magical moment for me about 10 minutes into the film where I simply stopped noticing the language. It stopped being a conceit of the script and simply became the world and the language of the characters. This is an amazing achievement.
As good as the entire cast is, I feel the need to point out two actors for being absolute stand outs. Amy Acker as Beatrice and Fran Kranz as Claudio. If I co(uld gush like a total fan boy for a second let me just say that Amy Acker deserves to be far more famous than she actually is. The woman has been absolutely rock solid in everything I've ever seen her in, and here she absolutely takes to Shakespeare's dialogue like a duck to water. She absolutely nails it. And Kranz, well Kranz almost made me forget what a horrible twit Claudio is. He almost made Claudio a compelling character. This might sound like a back-handed compliment, but I assure you it is not. Claudio is a horrible person that we are supposed to somehow be cheering for. I have always hated Claudio, so it is much to Kranz's credit that I actually found myself liking the character despite myself.
There is a lot to like in this film. However it is not perfect. As I mentioned before I don't always feel that Shakespeare is the best storyteller, and in this like his other comedies everything just ends a bit too perfectly a bit too easily for my tastes. The dialogue also sometimes comes at odds with the modern day setting. (A prince and a duke at a southern California dinner party? Really?) Also Whedon occasionally gets a bit too artistic for his own good. (Why does that scene on the poster happen in the lake?)
In the end I feel that Much Ado About Nothing is much like my earlier descriptions of it's creators Shakespeare and Whedon. There are flaws, but the strengths are so strong that you probably won't even notice them.
Friday, June 7, 2013
On My Way to See "Much Ado About Nothing"
I have been living in California for almost three and a half years now. In that time, I haven't gotten out much. Actually, that's not entirely fair. I go to movies, I go out to eat, I go out to buy other random shit. What I don't typically do is go anywhere that requires me to drive more than 30 minutes. The problem is that I really don't like driving all that much. The idea of spending more time in the car than doing whatever is at the destination makes me frustrated on the best days. On the worst days it leaves me bitter and angry. This unfortunate outlook on life often leaves me with an incredibly narrow view of what California has to offer. With this in mind, you can imagine my irritation at the discovery that the only showing of Joss Whedon's adaptation of Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" that I could find in the area was about an hour and a half away in Hollywood. Was a movie, even a movie by one of my favorite directors and cast full of favored actors, really worth that amount of time from my day? In the end, I felt that that it was worth my time. Everything that followed really helps to illustrate the pros and cons of venturing out of my little comfort zone, and into the areas that most others think of when they hear the word California.
The first order of business was to decide on a route to take to the theater. Most navigation programs would suggest taking I-15 (my closest interstate) to the 91. This is the point that I give these programs the middle finger, and a few choice expletives, while immediately looking for alternate routes. This reaction probably confuses some of you, so allow me to explain.
In Dante Alighieri's Inferno, the author very vividly described 9 levels of hell and the unique tortures and horrors that called each individual level home. None were what you might describe as "pleasant" and they kept getting progressively worse with each descending level, with the 9th level being the worst. I maintain that had Dante Alighieri lived in the modern day, California state road 91 would have been the 10th level of hell.
I have NEVER had a good experience with this road. This stretch of asphalt seems to exist in a state of perpetual gridlock. Every time I have been on it, at least an extra hour has been added to my time on the road. I am actually convinced that this road is some kind of sadistic experiment on the effects of road rage on the average driver. I hate this road.
Lucky for me there was another route.
After a pretty uneventful drive (because I didn't take the 91 no doubt) and some mild confusion as to where to park, I finally arrived at the theater. The name of the theater was the "ArcLight Hollywood". I only mention this because it is seriously one of the nicest/weirdest movie theaters I've ever been in.
Let me give you some examples of what I mean starting with the location. The theater is located on Sunset Blvd across the street from a film school. (Probably why they got the film in the first place, teachers are going to love dissecting it.) That's not really that odd, and is probably quite convenient. What I did find odd however was what shared the same physical building as the theater; a gym and a freaking culinary cooking school. The gym I understand. Gyms show up everywhere. People love their weights and spandex. But a culinary cooking school? That's new for me. I have to wonder if these four businesses ever do some kind of crazy cross promotion extravaganza. If they do I bet it's amazing.
After I got done puzzling over the bizarre juxtaposition of businesses I finally entered the theater proper and was met with a few more oddities that I never seen/associated with a movie theater. Directly in front of me was the normal ticket counter. Okay nothing odd there. Looking to my left there was a coffee shop. I have to admit, that while I've never seen a coffee shop in a theater before, the idea is fantastic. Seriously, an cool dark theater with a warm cup of joe sounds like an amazing combination to me. (And I hate coffee!) So I found the coffee shop be odd but strangely welcome. I can't exactly say the same for what was next to the coffee shop.
Directly to the right of the coffee shop was a gift shop. At first I thought this was another stroke of genius. After all with the sheer amount of movie tie-in related bullshit out there, what better place to buy that stuff than right where you saw the film. Not gonna lie, if I saw some really badass scifi action film and then they had really good toys for sale as I left the theater... Well let's just say my bank account is really glad they don't do this. That's right, other than one James Bond related book I didn't see a single other item in the gift shop that related to film in any way, shape, or form. Okay... Looking around just confused me even more. It seemed almost as if someone with rather eclectic tastes decided to max out their Barnes and Noble credit card, put it all of their spoils on display, and called it a gift shop. Here are some examples of what I found in there. The previously mentioned James Bond book, several art books, a photo book of Paris, a box of pin up girl themed postcards, an amazingly well drawn (French?) anatomy book, and a hardback copy of the third collected volume of the comic book Preacher. Huh? Am I the only one confused why all of this would be located in a movie theater? Is this a California thing?
Compared to the gift shop everything else was rather mundane, if not a little unusual. It seems as though the movie theater was trying to capture the aesthetic of a stage production. For example the seats were assigned when you bought the ticket, (I was in seat L24 for those curious.) the auditorium was huge, and before the show an usher came out to lay down the house rules and introduce the film. I kept getting weird flashbacks to my time in the theatre department at college the entire time I was there.
And then of course there was the movie. I'll go into my thoughts on the movie in another post, but here's a hint. It's very good and well worth your time to go see.
All and all it was an outing I was very pleased with. Nothing really special, or amazing. But plenty of slightly odd. And slightly odd makes me smile ear to ear. Shame I still had to drive home.
Which brings me back to my initial problem with going out into California proper, it took me almost 3 hours to get back to my apartment. That was about twice as long as it took me to get out there in the first place. That means that in total today I spent about four and a half hours on the road so I could see a less than two hour long movie. That's a lot of time to spend it your car worried that some impatient asshole is going to rear end you because traffic keeps alternating between 15 and 0 mph on the freaking interstate. By the time I got back home most of my good feelings from the outing had been replaced with loathing for the roadways of California.
So in the end was it worth it? In this case? Yes. Yes it was. But sadly I'm not sure what will convince me that it is worth that kind of time in the car again.
The first order of business was to decide on a route to take to the theater. Most navigation programs would suggest taking I-15 (my closest interstate) to the 91. This is the point that I give these programs the middle finger, and a few choice expletives, while immediately looking for alternate routes. This reaction probably confuses some of you, so allow me to explain.
In Dante Alighieri's Inferno, the author very vividly described 9 levels of hell and the unique tortures and horrors that called each individual level home. None were what you might describe as "pleasant" and they kept getting progressively worse with each descending level, with the 9th level being the worst. I maintain that had Dante Alighieri lived in the modern day, California state road 91 would have been the 10th level of hell.
I have NEVER had a good experience with this road. This stretch of asphalt seems to exist in a state of perpetual gridlock. Every time I have been on it, at least an extra hour has been added to my time on the road. I am actually convinced that this road is some kind of sadistic experiment on the effects of road rage on the average driver. I hate this road.
Lucky for me there was another route.
After a pretty uneventful drive (because I didn't take the 91 no doubt) and some mild confusion as to where to park, I finally arrived at the theater. The name of the theater was the "ArcLight Hollywood". I only mention this because it is seriously one of the nicest/weirdest movie theaters I've ever been in.
Let me give you some examples of what I mean starting with the location. The theater is located on Sunset Blvd across the street from a film school. (Probably why they got the film in the first place, teachers are going to love dissecting it.) That's not really that odd, and is probably quite convenient. What I did find odd however was what shared the same physical building as the theater; a gym and a freaking culinary cooking school. The gym I understand. Gyms show up everywhere. People love their weights and spandex. But a culinary cooking school? That's new for me. I have to wonder if these four businesses ever do some kind of crazy cross promotion extravaganza. If they do I bet it's amazing.
After I got done puzzling over the bizarre juxtaposition of businesses I finally entered the theater proper and was met with a few more oddities that I never seen/associated with a movie theater. Directly in front of me was the normal ticket counter. Okay nothing odd there. Looking to my left there was a coffee shop. I have to admit, that while I've never seen a coffee shop in a theater before, the idea is fantastic. Seriously, an cool dark theater with a warm cup of joe sounds like an amazing combination to me. (And I hate coffee!) So I found the coffee shop be odd but strangely welcome. I can't exactly say the same for what was next to the coffee shop.
Directly to the right of the coffee shop was a gift shop. At first I thought this was another stroke of genius. After all with the sheer amount of movie tie-in related bullshit out there, what better place to buy that stuff than right where you saw the film. Not gonna lie, if I saw some really badass scifi action film and then they had really good toys for sale as I left the theater... Well let's just say my bank account is really glad they don't do this. That's right, other than one James Bond related book I didn't see a single other item in the gift shop that related to film in any way, shape, or form. Okay... Looking around just confused me even more. It seemed almost as if someone with rather eclectic tastes decided to max out their Barnes and Noble credit card, put it all of their spoils on display, and called it a gift shop. Here are some examples of what I found in there. The previously mentioned James Bond book, several art books, a photo book of Paris, a box of pin up girl themed postcards, an amazingly well drawn (French?) anatomy book, and a hardback copy of the third collected volume of the comic book Preacher. Huh? Am I the only one confused why all of this would be located in a movie theater? Is this a California thing?
Compared to the gift shop everything else was rather mundane, if not a little unusual. It seems as though the movie theater was trying to capture the aesthetic of a stage production. For example the seats were assigned when you bought the ticket, (I was in seat L24 for those curious.) the auditorium was huge, and before the show an usher came out to lay down the house rules and introduce the film. I kept getting weird flashbacks to my time in the theatre department at college the entire time I was there.
And then of course there was the movie. I'll go into my thoughts on the movie in another post, but here's a hint. It's very good and well worth your time to go see.
All and all it was an outing I was very pleased with. Nothing really special, or amazing. But plenty of slightly odd. And slightly odd makes me smile ear to ear. Shame I still had to drive home.
Which brings me back to my initial problem with going out into California proper, it took me almost 3 hours to get back to my apartment. That was about twice as long as it took me to get out there in the first place. That means that in total today I spent about four and a half hours on the road so I could see a less than two hour long movie. That's a lot of time to spend it your car worried that some impatient asshole is going to rear end you because traffic keeps alternating between 15 and 0 mph on the freaking interstate. By the time I got back home most of my good feelings from the outing had been replaced with loathing for the roadways of California.
So in the end was it worth it? In this case? Yes. Yes it was. But sadly I'm not sure what will convince me that it is worth that kind of time in the car again.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
A Review of Manborg (Because the World Needed One of Those)
http://youtu.be/mBHau4HeTZY
For a moment I'd like to talk about the idea of the "so bad it's good" movie. These movies (usually of the horror genre) are typically films where either the writing, direction, acting, production value, or some bizarre combination of all of the above come together to create a film that by all sensible should be completely horrible and without merit. Despite this, or often times because of it, these movies transcend their shortcomings, and become a kind of comedy gold to the audience willing to look at them in the right light. The "so bad it's good" label is a dubious honor at best, as it suggests that the filmmakers have so thoroughly failed at their original intentions that laughing at their shortcomings is the only entertainment that the audience can gain from the project. Perhaps the most (in)famous example of this is the film Troll 2. A movie that was so bad, and yet so loved, that it actually had a documentary made about it's fan base's ironic love for the movie. (Seriously, do a search for Best Worst Movie.)
So if the core idea behind the "so bad it's good" trope is that the film's creators failed, then how do we really define a movie that's goal is to be intentionally bad, but still hilarious in an ironic sort of way? Because that is exactly the conundrum I face when trying to review Manborg.
The story of Manborg is bare bones at best. Hell has invaded the Earth because science. That's actually not a joke. That is the reason the movie gives the audience for the forces of hell rising up and laying waste to the earth. In this weirdly retro 80's version of the future the minions of Hell are completely subjugating what's left of the human race, and forcing criminals to fight in arena death matches for the enjoyment of the hellions. It is into this world that the titular Manborg awakens.
Manborg quickly befriends a group of arena fighters, and helps them escape so he can help them lead a resistance battle against the oppressive denizens of hell. And, well, really that's about all there is to it.
Look, if you want a better story you better look somewhere else. As I mentioned earlier Manborg knows it's a bad movie. It pretty much tells you that right up front. Despite that, or possibly because of it, I kinda love this movie. I'll try to explain.
To begin with, let's examine the look of the film. At first glance you might think that the film is going for a kind of retro 80's look. (Hell, I said as much earlier in the review.) But in execution it comes of as a homage to something much, much, stranger. It comes off as an homage the FMV games of the early 90's. Low res video? Check. Laughably bad green screen techniques? Check. Lens flares for no goddamn reason? Check. Really the only thing missing is a random cameo from Christopher Walken exclaiming how "un-fucking believable" the whole thing is.
http://youtu.be/dFKylgGk73I
Why a director would opt for this look for their film is, quite honestly, beyond me. That being said, I'm glad they did. From the very first frame of the film your expectations are lowered. Which is great, because it allows you to more readily enjoy the ridiculousness that follows.
It also helps that the movie is completely self-aware. Little touches like a love struck demon warden trying to woo a human prisoner, or a wounded Manborg doing the robot on the ground kept me smiling the entire movie.
Which kind of brings me back to my initial question, "Can a movie be labeled "so bad it's good" if the original intent was always to evoke the feeling of a bad movie?" In truth I'm not sure how to answer that question. In the end it doesn't matter. Manborg was an enjoyable experience for me from beginning to end. If you and your friends are the kind of people that enjoy bad movies you will probably find a lot to love here.
Fun Fact: Make sure to watch after the credits as there is a mock preview for another film, and the funniest anti-piracy warning I've ever seen.
Fun Fact 2: The voice of #1 Man is Kyle Herbert, otherwise known as the English voice of Ryu in all of the current Street Fighter games. This makes me smile way more than it should.
For a moment I'd like to talk about the idea of the "so bad it's good" movie. These movies (usually of the horror genre) are typically films where either the writing, direction, acting, production value, or some bizarre combination of all of the above come together to create a film that by all sensible should be completely horrible and without merit. Despite this, or often times because of it, these movies transcend their shortcomings, and become a kind of comedy gold to the audience willing to look at them in the right light. The "so bad it's good" label is a dubious honor at best, as it suggests that the filmmakers have so thoroughly failed at their original intentions that laughing at their shortcomings is the only entertainment that the audience can gain from the project. Perhaps the most (in)famous example of this is the film Troll 2. A movie that was so bad, and yet so loved, that it actually had a documentary made about it's fan base's ironic love for the movie. (Seriously, do a search for Best Worst Movie.)
So if the core idea behind the "so bad it's good" trope is that the film's creators failed, then how do we really define a movie that's goal is to be intentionally bad, but still hilarious in an ironic sort of way? Because that is exactly the conundrum I face when trying to review Manborg.
The story of Manborg is bare bones at best. Hell has invaded the Earth because science. That's actually not a joke. That is the reason the movie gives the audience for the forces of hell rising up and laying waste to the earth. In this weirdly retro 80's version of the future the minions of Hell are completely subjugating what's left of the human race, and forcing criminals to fight in arena death matches for the enjoyment of the hellions. It is into this world that the titular Manborg awakens.
Manborg quickly befriends a group of arena fighters, and helps them escape so he can help them lead a resistance battle against the oppressive denizens of hell. And, well, really that's about all there is to it.
Look, if you want a better story you better look somewhere else. As I mentioned earlier Manborg knows it's a bad movie. It pretty much tells you that right up front. Despite that, or possibly because of it, I kinda love this movie. I'll try to explain.
To begin with, let's examine the look of the film. At first glance you might think that the film is going for a kind of retro 80's look. (Hell, I said as much earlier in the review.) But in execution it comes of as a homage to something much, much, stranger. It comes off as an homage the FMV games of the early 90's. Low res video? Check. Laughably bad green screen techniques? Check. Lens flares for no goddamn reason? Check. Really the only thing missing is a random cameo from Christopher Walken exclaiming how "un-fucking believable" the whole thing is.
http://youtu.be/dFKylgGk73I
Why a director would opt for this look for their film is, quite honestly, beyond me. That being said, I'm glad they did. From the very first frame of the film your expectations are lowered. Which is great, because it allows you to more readily enjoy the ridiculousness that follows.
It also helps that the movie is completely self-aware. Little touches like a love struck demon warden trying to woo a human prisoner, or a wounded Manborg doing the robot on the ground kept me smiling the entire movie.
Which kind of brings me back to my initial question, "Can a movie be labeled "so bad it's good" if the original intent was always to evoke the feeling of a bad movie?" In truth I'm not sure how to answer that question. In the end it doesn't matter. Manborg was an enjoyable experience for me from beginning to end. If you and your friends are the kind of people that enjoy bad movies you will probably find a lot to love here.
Fun Fact: Make sure to watch after the credits as there is a mock preview for another film, and the funniest anti-piracy warning I've ever seen.
Fun Fact 2: The voice of #1 Man is Kyle Herbert, otherwise known as the English voice of Ryu in all of the current Street Fighter games. This makes me smile way more than it should.
Friday, February 22, 2013
20 Years?!!
The other day I read that the original version of Super Mario Kart is now over 20 years old. This bit of information shocked and dismayed me in ways that I was entirely unprepared for. There are two main reasons why this news bothered me. One, while I am intellectually aware that a lot of time has passed it simply doesn't feel like that much time has gone by. The second, and far more surprising, reason is that I'm rather shocked at just how little my personality has changed since I was a fifteen year old playing Mario Kart with my friends for the first time ever.
It's this second subject I'd like to look at a little more in depth.
First of all I'd like to point out that I have no problems with the concept of aging. If anything I can honestly say that for the most part the older I've gotten the happier and more comfortable with myself I've gotten. So if age isn't what shocked my system, what is. Well let me put it this way. As I sit here writing I am drinking a beer, watching a movie about immortal swordsmen, all while wearing a Captain America themed t-shirt. In other words, I'm still a 15 year old. I just happen to be in a 35 year old's body.
I think the movie Big was actually a documentary about my future life. (Not sure how the filmmakers pulled off that particular trick.)
Even this doesn't really bother me exactly. It's just that it is supremely weird to have this fact thrown in your face with the cold hard fact of an anniversary date for something that you still hold oddly dear.
I... suddenly realize that I didn't really have anything else to say. Odd, I thought I did, but at the moment I can't think of anything else to put down.
Still I have to say it's felt good to write even if it really wasn't to say much.
Editor: God. You're trying to do this again?
Oh, hey. I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Editor: Well seeing as I'm usually the only piece of actual content in these posts, it's hardly surprising that I'm here once you have writer's block, now is it?
I'm not sure that I would say you are the only piece of content.
Editor: Alright. Fine. Have it your way. The only well received piece of content.
Actually, I know that's not true. My most popular post was my "Ninjas vs. Naked Women" post. And you aren't in that one at all.
Editor: That's the article with the sexy girl in the ninja outfit down on all fours, right? Tell me. Which makes more sense to you? People came here for your insights, or people came here for a picture of a pretty girl?
I.. er.. I mean, I'm sure some came here for my opinions...
Editor: Uh huh. Sure. Whatever helps you to sleep at night.
You know, you really aren't very nice. Have you ever considered that conversations like this are the entire reason I don't update this thing very often?
Editor: Though about it? Hell I've been counting on it. The longer you are away, the happier I am.
You know, if you really dislike me that much, you really don't have to be here. Just find something else to do. Take a vacation. I hear North Korea is really nice this time of year.
Editor: Oh yeah. That will work. What exactly would these posts be without me? (In a mocking impression of myself.) Oh look at me. I'm a sarcastic child of the 80's whose way to interested in stuff from 20 years ago. Please. That doesn't make you interesting, or unique. It makes you a statistic. One of hundreds if not thousands of people who have used the internet as a means to focus at length on this nostalgic nonsense. I'm the only thing that sets this apart at all. The only thing that makes your rants even slightly original. That's my job. To call you on your bullshit. Your feelings be damned!
Wait. That's your job? I thought you were here to correct my punctuation and spelling.
Editor: What? No! Have you ever looked back at any of this stuff?
Well, yeah. I just thought you were really bad at your job.
Editor: Dick.
Didn't you just tell me that was your job?
Editor: And now you're finally beginning to understand my role.
So. We are just stuck with each other then?
Editor: For better or for worse. Or in my case a whole lot worse.
I'm sorry?
Editor: Don't be. One day I'll finally break you for good, and then I'll never have to worry about you writing in this damn thing again.
Maybe it will be this time.
Editor: I'm nowhere near that lucky.
Then I guess I'll see you next time?
Editor: Whatever.
It's this second subject I'd like to look at a little more in depth.
First of all I'd like to point out that I have no problems with the concept of aging. If anything I can honestly say that for the most part the older I've gotten the happier and more comfortable with myself I've gotten. So if age isn't what shocked my system, what is. Well let me put it this way. As I sit here writing I am drinking a beer, watching a movie about immortal swordsmen, all while wearing a Captain America themed t-shirt. In other words, I'm still a 15 year old. I just happen to be in a 35 year old's body.
I think the movie Big was actually a documentary about my future life. (Not sure how the filmmakers pulled off that particular trick.)
Even this doesn't really bother me exactly. It's just that it is supremely weird to have this fact thrown in your face with the cold hard fact of an anniversary date for something that you still hold oddly dear.
I... suddenly realize that I didn't really have anything else to say. Odd, I thought I did, but at the moment I can't think of anything else to put down.
Still I have to say it's felt good to write even if it really wasn't to say much.
Editor: God. You're trying to do this again?
Oh, hey. I was wondering when you were going to show up.
Editor: Well seeing as I'm usually the only piece of actual content in these posts, it's hardly surprising that I'm here once you have writer's block, now is it?
I'm not sure that I would say you are the only piece of content.
Editor: Alright. Fine. Have it your way. The only well received piece of content.
Actually, I know that's not true. My most popular post was my "Ninjas vs. Naked Women" post. And you aren't in that one at all.
Editor: That's the article with the sexy girl in the ninja outfit down on all fours, right? Tell me. Which makes more sense to you? People came here for your insights, or people came here for a picture of a pretty girl?
I.. er.. I mean, I'm sure some came here for my opinions...
Editor: Uh huh. Sure. Whatever helps you to sleep at night.
You know, you really aren't very nice. Have you ever considered that conversations like this are the entire reason I don't update this thing very often?
Editor: Though about it? Hell I've been counting on it. The longer you are away, the happier I am.
You know, if you really dislike me that much, you really don't have to be here. Just find something else to do. Take a vacation. I hear North Korea is really nice this time of year.
Editor: Oh yeah. That will work. What exactly would these posts be without me? (In a mocking impression of myself.) Oh look at me. I'm a sarcastic child of the 80's whose way to interested in stuff from 20 years ago. Please. That doesn't make you interesting, or unique. It makes you a statistic. One of hundreds if not thousands of people who have used the internet as a means to focus at length on this nostalgic nonsense. I'm the only thing that sets this apart at all. The only thing that makes your rants even slightly original. That's my job. To call you on your bullshit. Your feelings be damned!
Wait. That's your job? I thought you were here to correct my punctuation and spelling.
Editor: What? No! Have you ever looked back at any of this stuff?
Well, yeah. I just thought you were really bad at your job.
Editor: Dick.
Didn't you just tell me that was your job?
Editor: And now you're finally beginning to understand my role.
So. We are just stuck with each other then?
Editor: For better or for worse. Or in my case a whole lot worse.
I'm sorry?
Editor: Don't be. One day I'll finally break you for good, and then I'll never have to worry about you writing in this damn thing again.
Maybe it will be this time.
Editor: I'm nowhere near that lucky.
Then I guess I'll see you next time?
Editor: Whatever.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
My Personal History of Fighting Games part 1
As you may know Marvel vs Capcom 3 is getting released on February 15th. Seeing as I (along with many others) have been waiting over 10 years for another installment in this franchise, it's safe to say that I'm a little excited. Which officially marks the very first time I've ever been excited about anything near Valentine's Day. (Seriously fuck that bullshit greeting card holiday! Yes I'm bitter.) It also means that many nostalgic thoughts about the Marvel "vs." series, and really just fighting games in general have been bubbling to the surface. It made me realize that I've played a lot of fighting games. So I thought it might be fun to do my own personal retrospective on my experiences on the fighting game genre.
(Note: This is not going to be a comprehensive article, nor will it be the most in depth. This is more about my personal experiences with the following.)
So let's get on with it.
1) Karate Champ
I bet you thought I was going to say Street Fighter 2 didn't you? While that game was huge, and I will be talking about it later, the fact is this is where my love of the fighting game started.
Thinking back on it know Karate Champ was an amazingly simple game. You had two guys in karate gi's, one in white the other in red, and they would fight using basic punches and kicks. Really this is what fighting genre is all about. From the very first time I saw it at the arcade I was hooked. There were only two problems. One I wasn't able to go to the arcade that often, and two I had absolutely no idea how to play the damn thing. You see unlike modern fighters where you have a stick (or pad) to control your movement and buttons to attack with, Karate Champ had two sticks.
For a reference here's Jean Claude Van Damme playing Ogre.
As a kid I could never figure out how this control scheme was supposed to work. But I did figure out one important thing. Spaz out enough on the sticks, and eventually you will get the jump kick.
And the jump kick, if done right, there is no defense.
Sadly my love affair with Karate Champ was short lived. As I said I didn't get out to the arcade that much, so we didn't get to spend much time together. And the times we were together were usually awkward and often frustrating. Borderlining on infuriating. So we parted as friends, with many good memories, but never really talked again.
For me Karate Champ was were it all started. And you never forget your first.
(Note: This is not going to be a comprehensive article, nor will it be the most in depth. This is more about my personal experiences with the following.)
So let's get on with it.
1) Karate Champ
I bet you thought I was going to say Street Fighter 2 didn't you? While that game was huge, and I will be talking about it later, the fact is this is where my love of the fighting game started.
Thinking back on it know Karate Champ was an amazingly simple game. You had two guys in karate gi's, one in white the other in red, and they would fight using basic punches and kicks. Really this is what fighting genre is all about. From the very first time I saw it at the arcade I was hooked. There were only two problems. One I wasn't able to go to the arcade that often, and two I had absolutely no idea how to play the damn thing. You see unlike modern fighters where you have a stick (or pad) to control your movement and buttons to attack with, Karate Champ had two sticks.
For a reference here's Jean Claude Van Damme playing Ogre.
As a kid I could never figure out how this control scheme was supposed to work. But I did figure out one important thing. Spaz out enough on the sticks, and eventually you will get the jump kick.
And the jump kick, if done right, there is no defense.
Sadly my love affair with Karate Champ was short lived. As I said I didn't get out to the arcade that much, so we didn't get to spend much time together. And the times we were together were usually awkward and often frustrating. Borderlining on infuriating. So we parted as friends, with many good memories, but never really talked again.
For me Karate Champ was were it all started. And you never forget your first.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Hello Wal-Mart My Old Friend...
(Note: For those of you who are confused as to why there is a pic of a single toothed woman at the top of this post, this is an experiment. I'm taking pics submitted by friends, and attempting to use them to inspire me to write. If you'd like to participate please send me an image and I'll see what I can do.)
So many questions come to mind when looking at this image. First of course is the obvious, "What happened to her teeth?" To this there are any number of plausible and, let's face it, boring explanations for what exactly happened. (i.e. Illness, lack of brushing/flossing, has literally no idea what the word "dentist" means...) But for the moment let's try to think outside the box and see what we can come up with.
1) Jack Bauer was torturing her for information about a loose nuclear warhead held by terrorists in the US. (She finally broke on the next to last tooth.)
2) She's a sexual submissive with a strong fetish for pain and dentists. (Think Bill Murrary in Little Shop of Horrors.)
3) She's in the witness protection program, and her case officer thought this would be the best way to make her unrecognizable.
4) She woke up in an alley in Tijuana missing most of her teeth... And a kidney!
5) She's from Virginia.
The second question that comes to mind is why does she still have the one tooth left. Admittedly I'm no oral surgeon, but I'd think that at this point it would be easier to simply yank that last tooth and just get fitted for a set of dentures.
Even odder is the fact that her last tooth is practically gleaming white. I'm actually willing to bet that she takes better care of that one shiny tooth than I have ever cared for any of the teeth in my head.
(Writing that down has suddenly given me a very strong desire to brush/floss my teeth. This woman could probably have a future visiting schools to warn impressible children about the dangers of tooth decay.)
Also just how does she eat? Is she on a liquid food diet at this point? If that's the case than how is she still overweight? Does dinner consist of a pureed Big Mac and fries? (Wow! That concept almost made me retch in my mouth!)
Perhaps I'm just over thinking the situation. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. Maybe she has dentures at home that she uses to eat. However if that was the case then why the hell wouldn't you just wear them when you went out? Admittedly I really don't care about my outward appearance. (If you've ever seen my wardrobe than you know the truth of this statement.) But even I would have the self respect to try and disguise my empty maw with fake teeth.
Or at the very least I would have kept my mouth shut.
And yet none of these are the main question on my mind. Believe it or not my main question has nothing at all to do with her lack of teeth, or her ownership of just one tooth. No, the most ponderous question in my mind is this, "Why the fuck is she holding her hand up like she's waiting for the teacher to call on her?"
Did someone come over the intercom asking for the toothless wonder to identify herself? Perhaps she was trying to get the attention of whomever had the camera, hoping that this was her big break. Or maybe, just maybe, she really knows the answer and can't wait to tell you.
The world may never know, and is probably better off that way.
(So ends my first part of this experiment. Let me know what you think, and if you have any submissions send them my way.)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
You probably don't want to read this.
Seriously. The title is not lying. What will follow will simply be me bitching, whining, and moaning about the current status of my life. This will be the typical self indulgent navel gazing that people normally associate with the blogs and diaries of pre-teen girls.
Wait, if you don't want anyone to read this then why are you posting it online?
Glad you asked. This is once again one of those moments where I think differently than the vast majority of humanity. You see, I've never understood the concept of simply writing for your self. To me the concept of keeping a secret diary is akin to storing a used masturbation tissue in a box so that you can routinely pull said box out from time to time and gaze longingly on days gone by. Really the whole concept seems pretty gross and pointless to me.
No, to me the entire point of putting your thoughts down in verse suggests that you intend for someone else at some point to rummage through your ideas. Whether or not you want to read these ideas is entirely up to you. But I'm warning you here and now that you probably don't really want to read this.
So without further ado let's take a long hard look at the sopping moist tissue that is the product of my mental masturbation.
What it all boils down to is this. I'm not happy. It's not that anything is wrong. Hell, if you put my life down on paper it sounds as if everything's going just fine. No, there's very little that's actively wrong, the problem is that there is very little that is actually right.
Allow me to explain. Currently I reside in southern California, approximately half way between LA and San Diego. I work in the very next town over. Part of the problem is this, there is nothing to do where I live. This isn't exactly a new problem. If you've know me for any length of time then you've probably heard this particular line of whining before. However this time there is a slight wrinkle in this persistent problem. This time I don't have a car.
The lack of a car is huge. Where before I was stuck in places I was less than happy with, at least with a car I could leave to visit home or a friend when I was desperate for something outside of my self imposed pattern. Without this mode of transportation I often feel trapped. Locked in this area without means of escape.
Of course none of this is actually true. You see, my roommate is one of the nicest human beings I've ever met. Chances are that if I were to ask to wake up one morning and drive me to LA to go see a movie, he would probably do it. However even this concept comes with a pitfall. You see when I go out to do damn near anything I like being self sufficient. Also I often like to be on my own.
Believe it or not, I love people. I love my friends and family. Hell I even love watching strangers go about there daily lives. That being said I am extremely protective of my "me" time. I often choose to do things with little or no planning. I try to let my impulses take me wherever they will. This is a concept that is very hard to pull off with most people.
Well then, why don't you just get a car?
That does seem to be the question doesn't it? The reason is stupid simple. I don't want one. Why? Well that's a little more complicated. The easy answer is that if I had one I would use it. And I would use it for everything. No longer would I walk to the store, to the gym, or wherever. Hell, chances are that I would stop walking all together. It is amazingly easy for me to become a slave to convenience, and I don't want to give myself the opportunity. Seems silly I know, but at the moment I'm not willing to budge on this particular issue. Maybe one day, but not now.
Also this is not the only problem that I'm having at the moment.
Secondly, I'm tired of my job. Once again I need to interject a point here. I do not have a bad job. Hell, my job is actually quite good. I'm working in the field that I love, and many days doing exactly what I'd like to be doing to make a living. The problem is in the details. (Note: The following will be difficult to describe, because I really don't want to say too much about my place of employment, yet still will try to convey my current issues. If this section comes across as incredibly vague I'm sorry.) The main problem stems from my focus when it comes to work. You see I've spent a decent amount of time and money to focus myself in a particular direction in my chosen profession. However at my job there is rarely need for my style of work. As such I often find myself doing things that do not interest or fulfill me at all. The work that I often find myself doing usually makes me feel brain-dead to perform it. Anymore when I do most of my work my mind is off in the either, with little awareness or care as to what my body is doing. For the record this makes me HATE myself.
Wait. What?
Allow me to elaborate. I love what I do for a living. Not like, love. I adore this work and what it can do for people. And when I find myself feeling apathetic to this work that I love, it hurts. Even worse is that I know what I'm doing, and yet I won't stop it. Not can't. Won't. This choice, this conscience choice, is what makes me hate myself. It makes me feel dirty, and it makes me feel like a liar and a cheat. And all because I often find myself put into a position that I simply don't believe in.
Once again I'm sorry for how vague all of that was, but it's really the best that I can say it at the moment.
This last bit is going to be at the same time the easiest, and the hardest part to write. Easy bit first. I'm lonely. This is hardly a new problem for me. I don't relate well to most people. There is a very good reason that most of my best friends I've known since grade school.
Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of people that I am friendly with. Lot's of really awesome people. Yet, there are few that I can honestly say that I truly connect with. And the people that I could see dating? At the moment I don't think there are any.
The dating thing shouldn't be such a big deal to me at this point. Even under the best of situations I almost never date. I think this is because a bizarre combination of being incredibly picky, and completely unaware when it comes to the opposite sex. What I mean by this is that I have no idea that a girl is interested in me unless she flat out says, "I'm interested in you." The problem here is twofold. I won't ask out a girl unless I think she's interested, but I don't know if she's interested unless she is ridiculously blunt about it. Sadly most girls aren't interested in a guy that can't make the first move. This is something that I have no idea how to change.
So, yeah, dating shouldn't be that big of a deal. Yet somehow it still is. And at the moment I don't see any chance of that changing.
Well, if you don't like where you live, are unfulfilled at your job, and are unattached why don't you move and try again somewhere else?
That's actually the same conclusion that I've come to.
So what's the hold up?
I'm afraid.
What the hell are you afraid of?
I'm not sure. Every time I think of looking for a new place to live/work I start to panic. Suddenly my fight or flight reflex kicks in and all I want to do is think of something, anything, else.
Why?
I think I'm afraid that things will get worse somewhere else.
Hold on. You just spent, God only knows how much space, bitching about how everything sucks, and your excuse for not doing anything about it is that it might be worse?!!!
Yeah.
Pussy.
I really don't think that's fair. Any number of things could go wrong. I could hurt myself, I could not be able to make enough to survive, I could completely lose any sense of security that I've built up over the last year, I could...
Could, could, fucking COULD!!! That's all you're saying! This could happen! That could happen! Hell, a piece of meteorite could fall from the heavens smash though your ceiling and kill you right now! But it probably won't. The truth is you have no idea what will happen. You can never know what will happen. That's life. That's part of what makes it so exciting. That's part of what makes it worth living. The not knowing, the adventure. Life will take many turns. Not all of them will be good. But many of them will be fantastic! Just stop for a moment and think. Nearly everyone of you're happiest moments came from you doing something that you were terribly afraid of.
Like what?
Well let's see. There was the time you when to China. Getting specialized training, after you finished college. And then getting even more training after that. Rock climbing. Trail biking. Swimming. Every time you've ever moved. Not to mention every girl you've ever been with. Face it, everything that you've done in your life that you are particularly proud of has come directly from you stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something that you were afraid of. Have all you're choices been good? Hell no! But many of them have been glorious. If you have to think about what could be then think about just how wonderful it could be.
You might be right.
Look. I know you won't listen to me. You're stubborn like that. So let's leave you with someone you will listen to.
Think about it.
Wait, if you don't want anyone to read this then why are you posting it online?
Glad you asked. This is once again one of those moments where I think differently than the vast majority of humanity. You see, I've never understood the concept of simply writing for your self. To me the concept of keeping a secret diary is akin to storing a used masturbation tissue in a box so that you can routinely pull said box out from time to time and gaze longingly on days gone by. Really the whole concept seems pretty gross and pointless to me.
No, to me the entire point of putting your thoughts down in verse suggests that you intend for someone else at some point to rummage through your ideas. Whether or not you want to read these ideas is entirely up to you. But I'm warning you here and now that you probably don't really want to read this.
So without further ado let's take a long hard look at the sopping moist tissue that is the product of my mental masturbation.
What it all boils down to is this. I'm not happy. It's not that anything is wrong. Hell, if you put my life down on paper it sounds as if everything's going just fine. No, there's very little that's actively wrong, the problem is that there is very little that is actually right.
Allow me to explain. Currently I reside in southern California, approximately half way between LA and San Diego. I work in the very next town over. Part of the problem is this, there is nothing to do where I live. This isn't exactly a new problem. If you've know me for any length of time then you've probably heard this particular line of whining before. However this time there is a slight wrinkle in this persistent problem. This time I don't have a car.
The lack of a car is huge. Where before I was stuck in places I was less than happy with, at least with a car I could leave to visit home or a friend when I was desperate for something outside of my self imposed pattern. Without this mode of transportation I often feel trapped. Locked in this area without means of escape.
Of course none of this is actually true. You see, my roommate is one of the nicest human beings I've ever met. Chances are that if I were to ask to wake up one morning and drive me to LA to go see a movie, he would probably do it. However even this concept comes with a pitfall. You see when I go out to do damn near anything I like being self sufficient. Also I often like to be on my own.
Believe it or not, I love people. I love my friends and family. Hell I even love watching strangers go about there daily lives. That being said I am extremely protective of my "me" time. I often choose to do things with little or no planning. I try to let my impulses take me wherever they will. This is a concept that is very hard to pull off with most people.
Well then, why don't you just get a car?
That does seem to be the question doesn't it? The reason is stupid simple. I don't want one. Why? Well that's a little more complicated. The easy answer is that if I had one I would use it. And I would use it for everything. No longer would I walk to the store, to the gym, or wherever. Hell, chances are that I would stop walking all together. It is amazingly easy for me to become a slave to convenience, and I don't want to give myself the opportunity. Seems silly I know, but at the moment I'm not willing to budge on this particular issue. Maybe one day, but not now.
Also this is not the only problem that I'm having at the moment.
Secondly, I'm tired of my job. Once again I need to interject a point here. I do not have a bad job. Hell, my job is actually quite good. I'm working in the field that I love, and many days doing exactly what I'd like to be doing to make a living. The problem is in the details. (Note: The following will be difficult to describe, because I really don't want to say too much about my place of employment, yet still will try to convey my current issues. If this section comes across as incredibly vague I'm sorry.) The main problem stems from my focus when it comes to work. You see I've spent a decent amount of time and money to focus myself in a particular direction in my chosen profession. However at my job there is rarely need for my style of work. As such I often find myself doing things that do not interest or fulfill me at all. The work that I often find myself doing usually makes me feel brain-dead to perform it. Anymore when I do most of my work my mind is off in the either, with little awareness or care as to what my body is doing. For the record this makes me HATE myself.
Wait. What?
Allow me to elaborate. I love what I do for a living. Not like, love. I adore this work and what it can do for people. And when I find myself feeling apathetic to this work that I love, it hurts. Even worse is that I know what I'm doing, and yet I won't stop it. Not can't. Won't. This choice, this conscience choice, is what makes me hate myself. It makes me feel dirty, and it makes me feel like a liar and a cheat. And all because I often find myself put into a position that I simply don't believe in.
Once again I'm sorry for how vague all of that was, but it's really the best that I can say it at the moment.
This last bit is going to be at the same time the easiest, and the hardest part to write. Easy bit first. I'm lonely. This is hardly a new problem for me. I don't relate well to most people. There is a very good reason that most of my best friends I've known since grade school.
Don't get me wrong. There are plenty of people that I am friendly with. Lot's of really awesome people. Yet, there are few that I can honestly say that I truly connect with. And the people that I could see dating? At the moment I don't think there are any.
The dating thing shouldn't be such a big deal to me at this point. Even under the best of situations I almost never date. I think this is because a bizarre combination of being incredibly picky, and completely unaware when it comes to the opposite sex. What I mean by this is that I have no idea that a girl is interested in me unless she flat out says, "I'm interested in you." The problem here is twofold. I won't ask out a girl unless I think she's interested, but I don't know if she's interested unless she is ridiculously blunt about it. Sadly most girls aren't interested in a guy that can't make the first move. This is something that I have no idea how to change.
So, yeah, dating shouldn't be that big of a deal. Yet somehow it still is. And at the moment I don't see any chance of that changing.
Well, if you don't like where you live, are unfulfilled at your job, and are unattached why don't you move and try again somewhere else?
That's actually the same conclusion that I've come to.
So what's the hold up?
I'm afraid.
What the hell are you afraid of?
I'm not sure. Every time I think of looking for a new place to live/work I start to panic. Suddenly my fight or flight reflex kicks in and all I want to do is think of something, anything, else.
Why?
I think I'm afraid that things will get worse somewhere else.
Hold on. You just spent, God only knows how much space, bitching about how everything sucks, and your excuse for not doing anything about it is that it might be worse?!!!
Yeah.
Pussy.
I really don't think that's fair. Any number of things could go wrong. I could hurt myself, I could not be able to make enough to survive, I could completely lose any sense of security that I've built up over the last year, I could...
Could, could, fucking COULD!!! That's all you're saying! This could happen! That could happen! Hell, a piece of meteorite could fall from the heavens smash though your ceiling and kill you right now! But it probably won't. The truth is you have no idea what will happen. You can never know what will happen. That's life. That's part of what makes it so exciting. That's part of what makes it worth living. The not knowing, the adventure. Life will take many turns. Not all of them will be good. But many of them will be fantastic! Just stop for a moment and think. Nearly everyone of you're happiest moments came from you doing something that you were terribly afraid of.
Like what?
Well let's see. There was the time you when to China. Getting specialized training, after you finished college. And then getting even more training after that. Rock climbing. Trail biking. Swimming. Every time you've ever moved. Not to mention every girl you've ever been with. Face it, everything that you've done in your life that you are particularly proud of has come directly from you stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something that you were afraid of. Have all you're choices been good? Hell no! But many of them have been glorious. If you have to think about what could be then think about just how wonderful it could be.
You might be right.
Look. I know you won't listen to me. You're stubborn like that. So let's leave you with someone you will listen to.
Think about it.
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